Wow... working on a blog for the first time in almost six months. In some ways, it feels foreign and in others it's like I just posted my last one. Remember when I would post at least once a month? For a full year I was that devoted. Where did that go?
So let me give you a little update. For those of you who read what I post pretty much the SECOND I do... first of all, my mind is still blown that you're interested and I appreciate it :-)... you probably already know what's going on in my world. But for those of you who follow my posts randomly, I'll go ahead and fill you in.
If you recall, one of my earlier posts discussed my fear of losing weight and meeting guys... Guys who would only be interested in me because I was thinner or not accept me for all that I am and have been through. I talked about how I really just wanted to meet someone BEFORE I lost the weight because then I'd know they were really interested in me. They care about me for the person I am and think I'm beautiful in any situation.
Well... by God's grace and life's crazy turning of events... that actually happened. I have the world's most wonderful boyfriend who does indeed love me completely for myself. All of my faults, insecurities, eccentricities, goofiness, etc... He loves it. And he has for a long time now! We've only been together for about three months but we've been friends for almost a year. So as I had hoped, he knew me before California. He knew me after California. He knew me when I lost motivation. And now he gets to see me pick up the pieces and start where I left off. He's been there for a huge chunk of my journey and is completely supportive of every decision I make. And he's PROUD of me when I fight for my dreams. I never knew how incredibly helpful it was to have someone right by your side to constantly cheer you on. It makes a world of difference.
While in so many ways my life is so much better than when I last updated... the truth is that something has been missing. It was like I got tired and stressed in keeping up with this lifestyle. I got very depressed when I left the BLR... I call it "losing my mountain", which is both metaphorical and literal... I relied on the wrong people for support. People who were more interested in themselves when they offered to help me. People who tore me down more than built me up. I didn't have what I had in California and it was an absolute nightmare.
So I gave up. I got tired. I quit.
And every person that DID genuinely care and reached out to help me became an annoyance. I was rude to people who asked about my progress. I pushed out people who tried to give me advice. Trainers from the BLR even called to check up on me... and I never called back. I shut myself away into my own little hole of depression and just hid from what I felt like were nothing but eyes watching me... judging me. When really it was me judging myself... ashamed that I stopped fighting.
Then Max happened. I can't even explain how... it was a definite work of God that he showed up when he did in the way that he did. I finally hit a rock bottom of sorts and needed comfort. At the time there were only two people that came to mind so I called one to vent and cry and just get everything out and then... once I'd purged my system of all of that frustration... I reached out to Max, just as one of my closest friends, and he was there for me. He stayed up and talked to me until I fell asleep. He checked on me the next morning. He stayed close by me for the next few days. And the rest is history. It was the light into my darkness that I needed. It was the wakeup call that got me back on my feet.
So now, after working on breaking down those walls that I built up to hide from this world and this journey... I'm finally ready to get back out. To open myself up again. To be what I was and grow to be even better than that. I want to take that potential and make it a permanent part of who I am.
This morning, I looked through some of my pictures from my month in California. I looked at myself and the physical evidence of the things I'm capable of. I looked at my face and the progression from the beginning of the month to the end. And I found this one picture.... probably the most important picture that was taken out there. It's of myself, my friend and partner-in-crime Axa, and our favorite hiking guide Dorothy. It's of the last Friday that we were all together at the BLR when we took a private hike up to the highest peak in the Santa Monica mountains. It's the moment that we reached the very top, which for me was conquering every last fear I had. And it's us just smiling... exhausted, sweaty, dirty... and absolutely gorgeous.
I was alive in that photo. I was glowing. I was completely myself with no inhibitions and no hiding. That was the real me. It shines inspiration right back into me.
So I'm bringing that version of myself back. And this time I will NOT stop until that is who I am every second of every day. Because it's what I deserve... it's who I want Max to have... and it's how I want my friends and family to know me.
Day One of my next chapter starts now.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Snap Back to Reality... There Goes Gravity
Being home is hard. No... excuse me... being home is REALLY hard!
When you're at the Biggest Loser Resort, you're secluded. You have everything provided for you, a very regimented schedule, and no temptation. You can just shut your brain down and do what you need to do. It's the most incredible place to forget the world, let your cares fall away, and live from moment to moment. Or, for me, from workout to workout. All that matters is getting the sweat and pushing through each exercise. It's easy to maintain a focus in that environment.
Home is not that easy. Home is wonderful and I love being with friends and family but at the same time, with that comes reality. I have responsibilities to think about and that affects my new life. What do I want most? To be healthy. What does it take to be healthy? The right foods, time for exercise, proper sleep, etc. How do you get all of those things? You need money for food, a job that allows time for exercise, and a good place to rest. Not all of those are panning out for me right now.
I'm fighting as hard as I can to continue what I started. Since I began this blog a year ago, I have successfully lost 70 lbs and have done everything I can think of to push through the difficult times. I can't lie... there have been several months where I was lucky that I maintained my weight and didn't gain any of it back. When I'm motivated, there is nothing stopping me. If I keep my focus in check it's like I'm a superhero. My body has no limits and I always feel incredible! But when I fall, I fall hard. In California, I was on an extreme high and thought that nothing could ever slow me down. Then I got back into the real world and maintaining that high has been one of the biggest challenges I've ever faced.
Something that I'm realizing more than I ever have before is how crucial it is to surround yourself with the right people. Believe it or not, even those that support you will still be upset when they realize that you're changing. My personality has been different since I came back from California and there are many friendships that have had to adjust because of that. Before I left, my friends were my everything. I was the kind of person who'd do anything for anyone... no matter what it cost me. I've been known to put myself on the line at a moment's notice in defense of those I care about, no questions asked, because I believe it's the right thing to do. This is something that gets me into trouble quite frequently but is a quality I'm actually very proud to say that I possess. I've never wanted to change that about myself.
However, when I was at the BLR, I learned just how much this was affecting my health. In putting everyone else before myself, I was shouldering a lot of additional burden that wasn't my own. For an emotional eater, that is definitely not helpful. So when I was there in December, I had nothing but myself. I learned how to focus just on what was best for me and forget everything else. It was the first time in my life that I lived every day to take care of my needs and it changed my outlook. That's not to say that I stopped loving and caring for my friends... that's not the case at all. But for the first time, their happiness didn't matter to me more than my own. I discovered exactly what I'm worth and how much I want to fight for the things that I deserve.
Maintaining that mindset has been the most difficult thing. In coming home, many of the people in my life expected me to stop or just continue what I'd been doing before. They thought 'Hey, she lost 20 lbs in a month... she looks better than she did... she's feeling good... she's done, right?'.... NO! Not right! Now, more than any other time, is when I have to buckle down and focus! Now is when I have to make sure I'm truly changed because if I'm not... what's going to keep me from putting all 70 lbs back on and going back to being completely miserable? Nothing. And those that don't truly understand what it means to support me will be completely fine with that.
It is an unfortunate truth that in this kind of journey... even though you could have thousands of people rooting for you... you really are the only one who can determine your success. YOU set the pace, YOU take the steps, YOU jump the hurdles, and YOU reach the top. Or... you fall. People may be there to help you up but this is not one of the times in life where they can carry you. It is entirely up to you what happens. It is another unfortunate truth that more often than not, people will be the main stumbling blocks in your path.
So... my new motto... Get on board or get out of the way. In order to continue what I've started and be the person I've fought SO hard to become, I have to maintain the changes I made no matter what. All of them: physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental. If my new lifestyle conflicts with something, that something has to go. It just does. I can balance as best I can to make things work but in the end, my health comes first. Nothing can stand in the way of that. This has already cost me several relationships which does make me sad but at the same time... why would I want people in my life that support me with empty words? I'd like to say that I feel apologetic for being selfish but I know that I'm not being selfish! I'm proving my self-worth.
Reality is hard. It'll bring lots of challenges that get in the way of things you know are good for you. And sometimes we don't want to let go of what makes us comfortable. Well... I'm telling you that it's worth it to let go. Trust yourself. Believe that you deserve only the best. Learn to love yourself first. That's when the change will happen and that's when it'll stick.
So make it stick :-)
When you're at the Biggest Loser Resort, you're secluded. You have everything provided for you, a very regimented schedule, and no temptation. You can just shut your brain down and do what you need to do. It's the most incredible place to forget the world, let your cares fall away, and live from moment to moment. Or, for me, from workout to workout. All that matters is getting the sweat and pushing through each exercise. It's easy to maintain a focus in that environment.
Home is not that easy. Home is wonderful and I love being with friends and family but at the same time, with that comes reality. I have responsibilities to think about and that affects my new life. What do I want most? To be healthy. What does it take to be healthy? The right foods, time for exercise, proper sleep, etc. How do you get all of those things? You need money for food, a job that allows time for exercise, and a good place to rest. Not all of those are panning out for me right now.
I'm fighting as hard as I can to continue what I started. Since I began this blog a year ago, I have successfully lost 70 lbs and have done everything I can think of to push through the difficult times. I can't lie... there have been several months where I was lucky that I maintained my weight and didn't gain any of it back. When I'm motivated, there is nothing stopping me. If I keep my focus in check it's like I'm a superhero. My body has no limits and I always feel incredible! But when I fall, I fall hard. In California, I was on an extreme high and thought that nothing could ever slow me down. Then I got back into the real world and maintaining that high has been one of the biggest challenges I've ever faced.
Something that I'm realizing more than I ever have before is how crucial it is to surround yourself with the right people. Believe it or not, even those that support you will still be upset when they realize that you're changing. My personality has been different since I came back from California and there are many friendships that have had to adjust because of that. Before I left, my friends were my everything. I was the kind of person who'd do anything for anyone... no matter what it cost me. I've been known to put myself on the line at a moment's notice in defense of those I care about, no questions asked, because I believe it's the right thing to do. This is something that gets me into trouble quite frequently but is a quality I'm actually very proud to say that I possess. I've never wanted to change that about myself.
However, when I was at the BLR, I learned just how much this was affecting my health. In putting everyone else before myself, I was shouldering a lot of additional burden that wasn't my own. For an emotional eater, that is definitely not helpful. So when I was there in December, I had nothing but myself. I learned how to focus just on what was best for me and forget everything else. It was the first time in my life that I lived every day to take care of my needs and it changed my outlook. That's not to say that I stopped loving and caring for my friends... that's not the case at all. But for the first time, their happiness didn't matter to me more than my own. I discovered exactly what I'm worth and how much I want to fight for the things that I deserve.
Maintaining that mindset has been the most difficult thing. In coming home, many of the people in my life expected me to stop or just continue what I'd been doing before. They thought 'Hey, she lost 20 lbs in a month... she looks better than she did... she's feeling good... she's done, right?'.... NO! Not right! Now, more than any other time, is when I have to buckle down and focus! Now is when I have to make sure I'm truly changed because if I'm not... what's going to keep me from putting all 70 lbs back on and going back to being completely miserable? Nothing. And those that don't truly understand what it means to support me will be completely fine with that.
It is an unfortunate truth that in this kind of journey... even though you could have thousands of people rooting for you... you really are the only one who can determine your success. YOU set the pace, YOU take the steps, YOU jump the hurdles, and YOU reach the top. Or... you fall. People may be there to help you up but this is not one of the times in life where they can carry you. It is entirely up to you what happens. It is another unfortunate truth that more often than not, people will be the main stumbling blocks in your path.
So... my new motto... Get on board or get out of the way. In order to continue what I've started and be the person I've fought SO hard to become, I have to maintain the changes I made no matter what. All of them: physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental. If my new lifestyle conflicts with something, that something has to go. It just does. I can balance as best I can to make things work but in the end, my health comes first. Nothing can stand in the way of that. This has already cost me several relationships which does make me sad but at the same time... why would I want people in my life that support me with empty words? I'd like to say that I feel apologetic for being selfish but I know that I'm not being selfish! I'm proving my self-worth.
Reality is hard. It'll bring lots of challenges that get in the way of things you know are good for you. And sometimes we don't want to let go of what makes us comfortable. Well... I'm telling you that it's worth it to let go. Trust yourself. Believe that you deserve only the best. Learn to love yourself first. That's when the change will happen and that's when it'll stick.
So make it stick :-)
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