Being home is hard. No... excuse me... being home is REALLY hard!
When you're at the Biggest Loser Resort, you're secluded. You have everything provided for you, a very regimented schedule, and no temptation. You can just shut your brain down and do what you need to do. It's the most incredible place to forget the world, let your cares fall away, and live from moment to moment. Or, for me, from workout to workout. All that matters is getting the sweat and pushing through each exercise. It's easy to maintain a focus in that environment.
Home is not that easy. Home is wonderful and I love being with friends and family but at the same time, with that comes reality. I have responsibilities to think about and that affects my new life. What do I want most? To be healthy. What does it take to be healthy? The right foods, time for exercise, proper sleep, etc. How do you get all of those things? You need money for food, a job that allows time for exercise, and a good place to rest. Not all of those are panning out for me right now.
I'm fighting as hard as I can to continue what I started. Since I began this blog a year ago, I have successfully lost 70 lbs and have done everything I can think of to push through the difficult times. I can't lie... there have been several months where I was lucky that I maintained my weight and didn't gain any of it back. When I'm motivated, there is nothing stopping me. If I keep my focus in check it's like I'm a superhero. My body has no limits and I always feel incredible! But when I fall, I fall hard. In California, I was on an extreme high and thought that nothing could ever slow me down. Then I got back into the real world and maintaining that high has been one of the biggest challenges I've ever faced.
Something that I'm realizing more than I ever have before is how crucial it is to surround yourself with the right people. Believe it or not, even those that support you will still be upset when they realize that you're changing. My personality has been different since I came back from California and there are many friendships that have had to adjust because of that. Before I left, my friends were my everything. I was the kind of person who'd do anything for anyone... no matter what it cost me. I've been known to put myself on the line at a moment's notice in defense of those I care about, no questions asked, because I believe it's the right thing to do. This is something that gets me into trouble quite frequently but is a quality I'm actually very proud to say that I possess. I've never wanted to change that about myself.
However, when I was at the BLR, I learned just how much this was affecting my health. In putting everyone else before myself, I was shouldering a lot of additional burden that wasn't my own. For an emotional eater, that is definitely not helpful. So when I was there in December, I had nothing but myself. I learned how to focus just on what was best for me and forget everything else. It was the first time in my life that I lived every day to take care of my needs and it changed my outlook. That's not to say that I stopped loving and caring for my friends... that's not the case at all. But for the first time, their happiness didn't matter to me more than my own. I discovered exactly what I'm worth and how much I want to fight for the things that I deserve.
Maintaining that mindset has been the most difficult thing. In coming home, many of the people in my life expected me to stop or just continue what I'd been doing before. They thought 'Hey, she lost 20 lbs in a month... she looks better than she did... she's feeling good... she's done, right?'.... NO! Not right! Now, more than any other time, is when I have to buckle down and focus! Now is when I have to make sure I'm truly changed because if I'm not... what's going to keep me from putting all 70 lbs back on and going back to being completely miserable? Nothing. And those that don't truly understand what it means to support me will be completely fine with that.
It is an unfortunate truth that in this kind of journey... even though you could have thousands of people rooting for you... you really are the only one who can determine your success. YOU set the pace, YOU take the steps, YOU jump the hurdles, and YOU reach the top. Or... you fall. People may be there to help you up but this is not one of the times in life where they can carry you. It is entirely up to you what happens. It is another unfortunate truth that more often than not, people will be the main stumbling blocks in your path.
So... my new motto... Get on board or get out of the way. In order to continue what I've started and be the person I've fought SO hard to become, I have to maintain the changes I made no matter what. All of them: physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental. If my new lifestyle conflicts with something, that something has to go. It just does. I can balance as best I can to make things work but in the end, my health comes first. Nothing can stand in the way of that. This has already cost me several relationships which does make me sad but at the same time... why would I want people in my life that support me with empty words? I'd like to say that I feel apologetic for being selfish but I know that I'm not being selfish! I'm proving my self-worth.
Reality is hard. It'll bring lots of challenges that get in the way of things you know are good for you. And sometimes we don't want to let go of what makes us comfortable. Well... I'm telling you that it's worth it to let go. Trust yourself. Believe that you deserve only the best. Learn to love yourself first. That's when the change will happen and that's when it'll stick.
So make it stick :-)
