Wow... working on a blog for the first time in almost six months. In some ways, it feels foreign and in others it's like I just posted my last one. Remember when I would post at least once a month? For a full year I was that devoted. Where did that go?
So let me give you a little update. For those of you who read what I post pretty much the SECOND I do... first of all, my mind is still blown that you're interested and I appreciate it :-)... you probably already know what's going on in my world. But for those of you who follow my posts randomly, I'll go ahead and fill you in.
If you recall, one of my earlier posts discussed my fear of losing weight and meeting guys... Guys who would only be interested in me because I was thinner or not accept me for all that I am and have been through. I talked about how I really just wanted to meet someone BEFORE I lost the weight because then I'd know they were really interested in me. They care about me for the person I am and think I'm beautiful in any situation.
Well... by God's grace and life's crazy turning of events... that actually happened. I have the world's most wonderful boyfriend who does indeed love me completely for myself. All of my faults, insecurities, eccentricities, goofiness, etc... He loves it. And he has for a long time now! We've only been together for about three months but we've been friends for almost a year. So as I had hoped, he knew me before California. He knew me after California. He knew me when I lost motivation. And now he gets to see me pick up the pieces and start where I left off. He's been there for a huge chunk of my journey and is completely supportive of every decision I make. And he's PROUD of me when I fight for my dreams. I never knew how incredibly helpful it was to have someone right by your side to constantly cheer you on. It makes a world of difference.
While in so many ways my life is so much better than when I last updated... the truth is that something has been missing. It was like I got tired and stressed in keeping up with this lifestyle. I got very depressed when I left the BLR... I call it "losing my mountain", which is both metaphorical and literal... I relied on the wrong people for support. People who were more interested in themselves when they offered to help me. People who tore me down more than built me up. I didn't have what I had in California and it was an absolute nightmare.
So I gave up. I got tired. I quit.
And every person that DID genuinely care and reached out to help me became an annoyance. I was rude to people who asked about my progress. I pushed out people who tried to give me advice. Trainers from the BLR even called to check up on me... and I never called back. I shut myself away into my own little hole of depression and just hid from what I felt like were nothing but eyes watching me... judging me. When really it was me judging myself... ashamed that I stopped fighting.
Then Max happened. I can't even explain how... it was a definite work of God that he showed up when he did in the way that he did. I finally hit a rock bottom of sorts and needed comfort. At the time there were only two people that came to mind so I called one to vent and cry and just get everything out and then... once I'd purged my system of all of that frustration... I reached out to Max, just as one of my closest friends, and he was there for me. He stayed up and talked to me until I fell asleep. He checked on me the next morning. He stayed close by me for the next few days. And the rest is history. It was the light into my darkness that I needed. It was the wakeup call that got me back on my feet.
So now, after working on breaking down those walls that I built up to hide from this world and this journey... I'm finally ready to get back out. To open myself up again. To be what I was and grow to be even better than that. I want to take that potential and make it a permanent part of who I am.
This morning, I looked through some of my pictures from my month in California. I looked at myself and the physical evidence of the things I'm capable of. I looked at my face and the progression from the beginning of the month to the end. And I found this one picture.... probably the most important picture that was taken out there. It's of myself, my friend and partner-in-crime Axa, and our favorite hiking guide Dorothy. It's of the last Friday that we were all together at the BLR when we took a private hike up to the highest peak in the Santa Monica mountains. It's the moment that we reached the very top, which for me was conquering every last fear I had. And it's us just smiling... exhausted, sweaty, dirty... and absolutely gorgeous.
I was alive in that photo. I was glowing. I was completely myself with no inhibitions and no hiding. That was the real me. It shines inspiration right back into me.
So I'm bringing that version of myself back. And this time I will NOT stop until that is who I am every second of every day. Because it's what I deserve... it's who I want Max to have... and it's how I want my friends and family to know me.
Day One of my next chapter starts now.
