Lightening the Load

As I've said several times in these blogs, I'm an emotional eater. The damage I've done to my body wasn't done overnight and it wasn't done for fun. Food has been my comfort in times when I felt I had nowhere else to turn. If you don't struggle with addiction, you really won't understand this particular topic but if you do, I know you'll be able to relate. When you find true comfort in something and you have an addictive personality, you will hold onto that feeling for as long as you possibly can. Sometimes it's good comfort. You enjoy singing so you go out every Friday, rain, sleet, or snow so that you can do karaoke. Or better yet, you find solace in working out so you exercise several times a day (if only that were my addiction). But sometimes, more often than not, the comfort is bad. Drugs make you feel good. Alcohol takes away your stress. Food tastes so delicious that in that moment, nothing could be better. That has been my true comfort from an early age and my attachment to it only grew stronger as I grew older. There was no emotional stress too big that food couldn't comfort, if only for a few seconds. That's how you push your body to 304 pounds. Then you look in the mirror and hate yourself for what you've done but the only solution to your pain is to find comfort! See the cycle?

Now, if you watched my Biggest Loser video back in January, you might have noticed something that I mentioned very quickly. Something that I kind of skated over between discussing emotional eating and addiction. The reason I did that was because it's very difficult for me to talk about. Even now as I'm thinking of writing about it, I'm not quite sure it's the best decision. But I promised honesty through this quest and if I left this part of my life out of the equation, that'd be a huge chunk of information missing from the solution. So please only continue reading this if you are willing to keep an open-mind and kind heart because this is the hardest thing I'll have to do in putting my life out there for everyone to see.

As I quickly spat out in the video, I have had to deal with some fairly serious abuse in the past. The details I will not share because that is a little too personal but for about two years, I was in way over my head. Unless you've been in the situation, it's very hard to understand why people "allow themselves" to be abused. I hate that phrase... allow themselves. Never at any point did I say "Yes please, I'd like you to treat me this way". Of course I didn't! To be honest, for many types of abuse you don't necessarily know it's happening! It creeps its way into your life from someone you trust and slowly becomes normal. As it progresses, you don't notice because it's been steadily growing. Then one day something drastic happens and you finally realize that you're in way too deep. And at that point you've grown so accustomed to it that you think you can handle it. You're strong enough to get through it. Or you convince yourself that it was good once... it can be good again. He's just going through a phase. I have to help him. He needs me. I need him. We just bring out the worst in each other. I make him too angry. I should be better. I should try harder. I should be prettier. I should be smarter. I'm not good enough. Why am I not good enough?

Then it's your fault. All your fault. You want out but now you've forgotten what else is out there. Everything around you is in chaos and the only constant is the place you run for comfort. It's your addiction. For 30 seconds, this will take my attention away from pain. For 30 seconds, my problem does not exist. For 30 seconds, I'm finally happy. I want 30 more seconds of happiness.

In my case, the abuse eventually did end. I had a few bad experiences after that in trying to find myself again but I did kick my way back to the surface and into daylight. Then I had to figure out who I was without all that. What is Kelly Jo without all the craziness? How do I handle a life that's calm? Who will accept me when they know what I've done? Then you decide that no one will understand or accept you so you shut it all out. Shut out the people you love who might know too much. Shut out the people who ask too many questions. Shut out the people who can see through your facade. Shut out the world. Except... your addiction. That can stay. Because next comes the bitterness and anger over everything. You're mad at the person but you're more mad at yourself. You'll need your comfort in order to deal with that part. So you sit... and grow more bitter... with your addiction by your side. Your only companion. That is how I got to my heaviest weight. It took another drastic event like seeing 304 flash on the scale, three years after the intense emotional eating began, to realize I was slowly killing myself. That was no one's work but mine. Only I could change it. And now... over a year since that realization, I'm finally doing it.

Now all of that background is to say that recently I decided that I was still holding on to SO MUCH of the past. I hadn't fully let go of all the baggage that's weighed me down and caused me to continue the cycle of emotional eating. In order for this journey to move forward, I had to lighten the load. I had to face my inner demons and release it all, fully forgiving everyone I've harbored resentment towards but mostly fully forgiving myself. So I began that process and God put a few things in my path that surprised me. I had some incredibly excellent conversations with people I swore I'd never speak to again. I found closure on situations that needed it. I even got a chance to say everything I need to, to several people! For the first time, I stepped outside of what was comfortable or even what was expected of me because I knew that it was finally time. I was finally ready to let it go. Everything. I'd already gotten control of my addiction and found new comfort in this journey to health and happiness so now it was time to kick the last bit of excess out and move on. Full speed ahead.

I'm very pleased to say that after a weekend of handling all of this and some even calling ME out of the blue just to say they felt the need to talk (how crazy is God's timing sometimes?) I'm feeling a million times better. I could begin to feel the layers falling away and the walls beginning to crumble. Today I felt a door swing wide open, ready for me to cross through to the next and best chapter of my life. They say that God waits until you're ready and only then will He allow things to happen. I haven't been fully ready for this journey until recently which is why I failed at it until recently. I wanted it for all the wrong reasons but now, I finally got it. That's why I'm moving forward with consistent success. It's because it's finally my time. And now, with this happy closure, I have nothing tying me down. Nothing stopping me from finishing this thing strong. I'm happy and completely content in my life... just as I am right now. And that makes all the difference.

I do want to say before I go that if you struggle with abuse (in any form... it comes in many) I'd be happy to talk to you more about it. I'm no expert, by any means, but I have been there. Sometimes you just need a friend who listens and understands. I held my issues inside for the longest time, which is why it's taken me so many years to get to this wonderful place of pure happiness and hope. I pray that every woman who struggles with it finds the love for themselves and promise of a better future to reach that point as well. It's a new feeling for me... not being angry with anyone... but I'm the happiest I've ever been because of it. And my weight on the scale reflects it. Thank the Lord for His perfect timing!