I don't know what's been going on lately but I just cannot seem to keep this motivation going at full power! The good news is that when I cheat, I don't throw away the rest of my day. I continue to make my decisions as they come and conquer cravings as best I can. The bad news is that my energy for exercise and ability to power through when I'm feeling the need to stress-eat is lacking. No matter what I try, I can't seem to pick up that steam to full speed again from where it was.
I need help.
When I first started this journey and was doing SO well, I would frequently look to certain things for support. One of the best was the list I kept of people who voted for me during the Biggest Loser contest. In the span of two weeks, over 300 of my personal friends took the time to vote for me to change my life. Many of them even went beyond that and got tons of their friends to vote, most of whom having no idea who I was. Then there were the random acts of kind voters who just stumbled across my story and decided to support me. It's those votes that pushed me to start this process and kept me going! Knowing people were cheering for me not only provided motivation, it provided accountability. Something I desperately need.
So here's what I'd like to step out on a limb and ask of you who have been so encouraging. Wherever you read this from (whether you know me and are on my facebook pages or twitter, or if you just stumbled upon this blog by happenstance) I'd greatly appreciate this favor. If you could take a quick second and help remind me why I'm fighting for this, I think it'd really give me a boost. It's kind of awkward to ask for this kind of help from people and its taking me another step out of my comfort zone to admit that I need that extra shove but... here we are. So whatever you feel like doing- posting a smiley face in the comments, liking a status, tweeting something, or leaving an uplifting message- please go for it!
The greatest blessing I could've ever asked for has been having such wonderful people in my life to ensure that I succeed in this goal. Thank you all so much for following my journey and being such an integral part of it. This year is not just for me but for all of you. Love you guys :-)
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
I Remember This Road...
Something that people may not know about me is that I'm a dancer. A few months ago I would've said that I WAS a dancer but now, I'm beginning to say it again. I AM a dancer. When I first auditioned for the Biggest Loser, they asked me what my reason was for wanting to lose weight. I listed off several important reasons why but got choked up when I got to the point where I said, "I just want to dance again".
I took my first ballet class when I was three and instantly fell in love. I can still remember the day I got my first recital costume. I was a little mouse with a pink, sequined tutu and it was my favorite outfit of all time. I think I knew even then that dance was my chosen form of expression and that it'd be a huge part of my life. As I continued to grow and take more and more classes, I became obsessed. By the time I was 13 I was spending so much time in rehearsals and competitions that it was pretty much the only thing I did. I lived, breathed, ate, and slept dance. At one point my mom even found me sleep-walking in the living room, practicing the night before a competition. So when I'd say that I could do the dance routines in my sleep, it was a completely true statement!
When I was 14, I tried out for the high school dance team. I'd grown up in our town watching them perform, knowing that I wanted to be out there with them someday. The first morning of tryouts, I went to the coach and sat down with her to talk. At that point I'd already been struggling with my weight for about six years and though I was in shape, I was bigger than the other girls. I asked her if I even stood a chance at making the squad because I wasn't sure I'd fit the uniforms. She smiled at me, so kindly, and said "If you're good enough to make this team, we'll order the right size for you. Don't worry about the uniforms, just dance."
That's exactly what I did and a few days later when the list was posted, I was shocked and thrilled to find out that I had made the team. I was one of only three incoming freshmen to make it. It's been over 10 years and I can still remember how I felt at that moment. It was one of the best of my life, knowing that the coaches believed in me and thought that I was good enough and worth the extra effort they'd have to put into working with me. It was and still is an incredible gift. I danced on the team with so much joy that first year and loved every second of it. The girls became like sisters and though we didn't always agree, we stuck together and supported each other through everything. It was the best year.
Unfortunately, for me, things changed. The second year, my coach had to move away and leave us. I was crushed. This woman who'd given me so much and helped me grow was no longer there to keep us together. We got a new coach and all of the sudden things were completely different. She wanted a top-notch, competitive team that she could take to nationals and began training us with that mindset. We switched from afternoon practices to mornings where the primary focus became about conditioning and whipping us all into shape. If we were going to be at the level she expected us to get to, there could be no slacking. Girls began dropping left and right. People cracked under the pressure. But the one who cracked the most... was me.
See, although our new coach was great at what she did, for me it was no longer fun. All of a sudden, I was hyper-aware of my weight and how it affected my dancing. I looked around at the new team and felt out of place and unwanted. The dancing became less like expression and more like work. I had to sacrifice other school commitments because I was so focused on trying to keep up. I slipped into depression and had no idea, at 15 years old, what was going on around me. I started blacking out at practices, stopped eating because I was stressed out over my weight, and couldn't concentrate at school so I began failing classes. Things were just not okay and I didn't understand why. So I did something that I wish I hadn't but at the time made the most sense. I walked away. I took a "sick leave" of sorts from the team and sat out of competition season. I thought that if I stayed, I'd bring the team down and make them look bad so I chose to sit and watch. That's when the binge and emotional eating really began.
By the time I came back to the team, I'd done a lot of damage to my body and it was very apparent that they were all at higher levels than I was. So when tryouts for my third year came around, I was cut. I was no longer a part of the team. That stung.... hard. The morning after the list went up and I learned that my time was done, I had to go to practice and teach a routine for our spring show. I remember fighting tears through the entire rehearsal, knowing that my teammates were disappointed in me. Knowing that I was disappointed in myself. One of the assistant coaches, who'd been there for both years and seen me at my best and worse, pulled me aside afterwards and told me exactly how she felt about the situation. She said that she understood what I'd been going through and she was proud of me. In spite of poor choices that I'd made, she still believed in me. I remember her begging me to not give up and let my passion fade but I was so upset that I didn't listen. My spirit felt a little broken.
After that, the weight gain became a serious problem. I continued to dance but only when it was for theatre and choir, never competitively again and never for self-expression as I had. In college, I had a similar experience happen again where I had to audition for the dancing ensemble in the musical every year. Each year I was kept until the end of the auditions, never cut, but was never put in the dancing ensemble. That too was something that just killed. It kept the pain of what I'd done to myself fresh in my mind. I felt completely lost with no way of getting back to where I'd been. At that point my weight had gotten so out of control that it was just torture watching others do what I so desperately wanted to but couldn't.
Now, fast forward to today. Over the past few years I've realized that I cannot go on living without dance in my life. It is truly one of my strongest passions so I found ways to get it back. I began to teach. Though it's not exactly as it was before, it's slowly worked its way back into my life and now is something I do regularly. I'm even blessed enough to have dancers who let me choreograph for them which is my greatest form of therapy. Though I'm making all of this progress... I'm still not quite there yet.
This journey to health is about so much more than my weight. It's about physical strength, absolutely, but it's also about emotional strength. The fact is that I need to be dancing again to be truly healthy. At the end of this process, I want to be so strong that I can begin auditioning as a dancer. I want to continue to choreograph but FINALLY be able to dance in my own pieces! That's something that's been missing for far too long and as I continue to move forward to a brighter future, that goal is another that I'm striving towards. Each day that I get stronger is another step closer to being a better version of the girl I once was and have been trying to find for so long. I feel it coming back.
I've got a dance that will be 6 months in the making. But it's the dance of my life and I can't wait to share it.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Mile Marker 5
There's no avoiding the total honesty this month guys. I screwed up. I had no idea when I relapsed a few weeks ago just how hard it was going to hit my progress. I thought that I could do whatever I wanted for a couple of days and it wouldn't affect me. I thought, and people kept telling me, that I'd earned it. What I didn't know when I went off the rails on a crazy train was that not only was I putting a few pounds back on and counteracting my success, I was also losing all of that progress I'd made in my exercise stamina. I became a big ol' blob of laziness and didn't care anymore. I lost my motivation and was standing at the edge, ready to jump. Why was that?
In keeping with my honesty, I guess it's time to admit something else that I struggle with. Something I'm sure most addicts struggle with. Anxiety. It's something I inherited and have dealt with it since I was a teenager. It's hard to describe how it affects me except that it comes out of nowhere and knocks me out with a full force. Most of the time, I can handle it and it doesn't generally affect my day to day life or personality which is a huge step up from where I used to be. In fact, I've gotten such a grip on it over time that it only really gets me maybe once or twice a year. But when something triggers that anxiety, it hits me like a tidal wave. It surges through my brain and there's no escaping the inner-destruction that inevitably follows. Then there's no telling when I'll get back to being myself again.
So around the end of May, the trigger was pulled. I don't know for sure what caused it but my best guess is all of the change, which I've mentioned before in previous blogs. All at once it seemed that every constant around me completely changed. I didn't know how to handle it and I was thrown into some kind of crazy tail spin that I couldn't control. Instead of trusting that everything would work out, I did what I do best. I ran.
Obviously, I'm not talking about physical running. If I were, we'd be having a very different conversation about my progress this month. What I mean is that I mentally checked out. Was I still able to laugh and pretend that everything was normal? Sure! Sometimes even better than normal. I'm very well-rehearsed in pretending. I even have a degree in theatre to prove it! By masking all of that anxiety, I was able to retreat into the deepest parts of my brain where I could stop caring. I didn't care what I ate, how it affected me, how it made me feel, or the consequences I'd have to face for those actions. I chose to shut myself away and hold on to whatever made me feel good. Which, of course, was food.
So then came the rollercoaster. Gain, drop, gain, drop, happy, sad, motivated, unmotivated, hopeful, doubtful, brave, terrified. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach the ejector button to get myself off the dang ride! I could feel myself falling deeper into the dive but everything I did to get myself turned around would just result in more anxiety because I didn't have control. And that, if you know me well, is what scares me most. On the few times a year that I experience this, I usually find that it's because I'm lacking something. This time it was trust. Trust in myself that I can be strong in what I'm doing and trust in God that He has got everything taken care of for me.
As I was realizing this, two things clicked into place. The first was a text from my friend Allison that read "Not once in the Bible does it say 'Figure it out'. But over and over it says 'Trust God'. He's already got it figured out". Well... little did Allison know when she sent me that, that it was exactly what I needed a reminder of. I'd been praying so much about the next steps in my life and thinking I'd allowed God to lead but in actuality I was still fighting to have some control. I'm not good at letting go. I'm not good at turning my brain off and believing that what's supposed to happen will come in its own time. I needed confirmation and I wasn't fully getting it. And that all comes back to trust.
The second thing that happened came when I was introduced to a new song. It's strange because at first I was just listening to hear the vocals. But then, something about the lyrics struck a chord with me. They said, "You are peace when my fear is crippling. You are true even in my wandering. You are joy. You're the reason that I sing. You are life. Even death has lost its sting. And oh, I'm running to Your arms. The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace. Light of the world, forever reign. You are more than my words will ever say. You are Lord, all creation will proclaim. You are here. In your presence I'm made whole. You are God, of all else I'm letting go."
Those words really pierced through the fear and brought me back. I'll be honest that my faith isn't always what I wish it would be. I always love God and know that I owe my blessings to Him but I'm one of those people that has a hard time finding the connection. My way of relating to God is when I sing or dance to worship and I've been missing that connection. I needed to find it again. As I listened to that song, I felt that bond re-form and it seemed like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I went to sleep repeating those words to myself and woke up SO refreshed! Seriously, this morning felt like my slate had been wiped clean. I was back to that moment on January 31st, on the phone with the Biggest Loser Resort, hearing that I'd been given a second chance at life! It reminded me of how truly motivated I am and dug it out from within. Now I feel ready to attack and continue chasing this dream. Chase it until I've poured everything I have into it!
At this point, you may be wondering what any of this has to do with my weight loss. Friends, it has EVERYTHING to do with it! Like I've talked about before, I needed the reminder that I deserve good things. I deserve this chance to change my life. How can I be physically healthy if I'm not healthy in all other aspects? The reason I write these blogs is to chronicle my journey and recovery from addiction. Last month was a major relapse in all senses of the word and I had to crawl my way back out. I'd slipped so far down that I truly needed some divine intervention to get up to the top again. And thankfully I've gotten there!
The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was work out because I actually wanted to! I had a healthy breakfast because I craved something nourishing. Then I prayed. And prayed. And continued praying because I needed replenishing. I know not all of my friends or readers believe in God and that's okay! I'm not trying to gush or slam anyone in the face with my spirituality. I'm simply being honest about what works for me and what's best to maintain this progress. My faith is one of the biggest factors of who I am and what keeps me going. I need to have it in place in order to be successful. Today I finally feel complete. I feel like the girl who started this thing and is absolutely determined to finish strong!
So all of that back story for the month of June leads me to the overall purpose of the blog. The update. Now don't get crazy on me y'all... but here's how it turned out.
June 2nd: 260 lbs
July 1st: 259 lbs
But before you get bummed for me, lemme break this down real quick! It may look like I only lost a pound this month, yes. You don't have to be a rocket scientist, math wiz, or rainman to see that those are the actual stats. But when I went off course, I gained all the way back to 267 pounds! YIKES BIKES! With the weight I kept putting back on and taking off, I actually lost a total of 8 pounds this month, which IS average for me on this journey. And you know what? I'm so proud of that! The fact that I went through all of that craziness and STILL managed to come out of the month with any kind of loss is a medical miracle! That's the moment when you drop to your knees, kiss the ground, and eat a big old slice of (healthy) humble pie.
However... July is going to be different. I can feel it! Just call me Stella because I've got my groove back and I'm ready to fight for this. So here's what's going to happen. This month I'm going to defy the odds. I'm going to stay dedicated, keep my head down, and focus so that I can reach this next goal. I want to see if I can get myself back on schedule so I'm shooting for.... 12 pounds!
Goal:
July 1st: 259 lbs
August 1st: 247 lbs
Can I do it? Is it possible? Will I defy all the odds and achieve this goal? Well... guess you'll have to stay tuned and find out :-)
In keeping with my honesty, I guess it's time to admit something else that I struggle with. Something I'm sure most addicts struggle with. Anxiety. It's something I inherited and have dealt with it since I was a teenager. It's hard to describe how it affects me except that it comes out of nowhere and knocks me out with a full force. Most of the time, I can handle it and it doesn't generally affect my day to day life or personality which is a huge step up from where I used to be. In fact, I've gotten such a grip on it over time that it only really gets me maybe once or twice a year. But when something triggers that anxiety, it hits me like a tidal wave. It surges through my brain and there's no escaping the inner-destruction that inevitably follows. Then there's no telling when I'll get back to being myself again.
So around the end of May, the trigger was pulled. I don't know for sure what caused it but my best guess is all of the change, which I've mentioned before in previous blogs. All at once it seemed that every constant around me completely changed. I didn't know how to handle it and I was thrown into some kind of crazy tail spin that I couldn't control. Instead of trusting that everything would work out, I did what I do best. I ran.
Obviously, I'm not talking about physical running. If I were, we'd be having a very different conversation about my progress this month. What I mean is that I mentally checked out. Was I still able to laugh and pretend that everything was normal? Sure! Sometimes even better than normal. I'm very well-rehearsed in pretending. I even have a degree in theatre to prove it! By masking all of that anxiety, I was able to retreat into the deepest parts of my brain where I could stop caring. I didn't care what I ate, how it affected me, how it made me feel, or the consequences I'd have to face for those actions. I chose to shut myself away and hold on to whatever made me feel good. Which, of course, was food.
So then came the rollercoaster. Gain, drop, gain, drop, happy, sad, motivated, unmotivated, hopeful, doubtful, brave, terrified. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach the ejector button to get myself off the dang ride! I could feel myself falling deeper into the dive but everything I did to get myself turned around would just result in more anxiety because I didn't have control. And that, if you know me well, is what scares me most. On the few times a year that I experience this, I usually find that it's because I'm lacking something. This time it was trust. Trust in myself that I can be strong in what I'm doing and trust in God that He has got everything taken care of for me.
As I was realizing this, two things clicked into place. The first was a text from my friend Allison that read "Not once in the Bible does it say 'Figure it out'. But over and over it says 'Trust God'. He's already got it figured out". Well... little did Allison know when she sent me that, that it was exactly what I needed a reminder of. I'd been praying so much about the next steps in my life and thinking I'd allowed God to lead but in actuality I was still fighting to have some control. I'm not good at letting go. I'm not good at turning my brain off and believing that what's supposed to happen will come in its own time. I needed confirmation and I wasn't fully getting it. And that all comes back to trust.
The second thing that happened came when I was introduced to a new song. It's strange because at first I was just listening to hear the vocals. But then, something about the lyrics struck a chord with me. They said, "You are peace when my fear is crippling. You are true even in my wandering. You are joy. You're the reason that I sing. You are life. Even death has lost its sting. And oh, I'm running to Your arms. The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace. Light of the world, forever reign. You are more than my words will ever say. You are Lord, all creation will proclaim. You are here. In your presence I'm made whole. You are God, of all else I'm letting go."
Those words really pierced through the fear and brought me back. I'll be honest that my faith isn't always what I wish it would be. I always love God and know that I owe my blessings to Him but I'm one of those people that has a hard time finding the connection. My way of relating to God is when I sing or dance to worship and I've been missing that connection. I needed to find it again. As I listened to that song, I felt that bond re-form and it seemed like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I went to sleep repeating those words to myself and woke up SO refreshed! Seriously, this morning felt like my slate had been wiped clean. I was back to that moment on January 31st, on the phone with the Biggest Loser Resort, hearing that I'd been given a second chance at life! It reminded me of how truly motivated I am and dug it out from within. Now I feel ready to attack and continue chasing this dream. Chase it until I've poured everything I have into it!
At this point, you may be wondering what any of this has to do with my weight loss. Friends, it has EVERYTHING to do with it! Like I've talked about before, I needed the reminder that I deserve good things. I deserve this chance to change my life. How can I be physically healthy if I'm not healthy in all other aspects? The reason I write these blogs is to chronicle my journey and recovery from addiction. Last month was a major relapse in all senses of the word and I had to crawl my way back out. I'd slipped so far down that I truly needed some divine intervention to get up to the top again. And thankfully I've gotten there!
The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was work out because I actually wanted to! I had a healthy breakfast because I craved something nourishing. Then I prayed. And prayed. And continued praying because I needed replenishing. I know not all of my friends or readers believe in God and that's okay! I'm not trying to gush or slam anyone in the face with my spirituality. I'm simply being honest about what works for me and what's best to maintain this progress. My faith is one of the biggest factors of who I am and what keeps me going. I need to have it in place in order to be successful. Today I finally feel complete. I feel like the girl who started this thing and is absolutely determined to finish strong!
So all of that back story for the month of June leads me to the overall purpose of the blog. The update. Now don't get crazy on me y'all... but here's how it turned out.
June 2nd: 260 lbs
July 1st: 259 lbs
But before you get bummed for me, lemme break this down real quick! It may look like I only lost a pound this month, yes. You don't have to be a rocket scientist, math wiz, or rainman to see that those are the actual stats. But when I went off course, I gained all the way back to 267 pounds! YIKES BIKES! With the weight I kept putting back on and taking off, I actually lost a total of 8 pounds this month, which IS average for me on this journey. And you know what? I'm so proud of that! The fact that I went through all of that craziness and STILL managed to come out of the month with any kind of loss is a medical miracle! That's the moment when you drop to your knees, kiss the ground, and eat a big old slice of (healthy) humble pie.
However... July is going to be different. I can feel it! Just call me Stella because I've got my groove back and I'm ready to fight for this. So here's what's going to happen. This month I'm going to defy the odds. I'm going to stay dedicated, keep my head down, and focus so that I can reach this next goal. I want to see if I can get myself back on schedule so I'm shooting for.... 12 pounds!
Goal:
July 1st: 259 lbs
August 1st: 247 lbs
Can I do it? Is it possible? Will I defy all the odds and achieve this goal? Well... guess you'll have to stay tuned and find out :-)
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