Mile Marker 5

There's no avoiding the total honesty this month guys. I screwed up. I had no idea when I relapsed a few weeks ago just how hard it was going to hit my progress. I thought that I could do whatever I wanted for a couple of days and it wouldn't affect me. I thought, and people kept telling me, that I'd earned it. What I didn't know when I went off the rails on a crazy train was that not only was I putting a few pounds back on and counteracting my success, I was also losing all of that progress I'd made in my exercise stamina. I became a big ol' blob of laziness and didn't care anymore. I lost my motivation and was standing at the edge, ready to jump. Why was that?


In keeping with my honesty, I guess it's time to admit something else that I struggle with. Something I'm sure most addicts struggle with. Anxiety. It's something I inherited and have dealt with it since I was a teenager. It's hard to describe how it affects me except that it comes out of nowhere and knocks me out with a full force. Most of the time, I can handle it and it doesn't generally affect my day to day life or personality which is a huge step up from where I used to be. In fact, I've gotten such a grip on it over time that it only really gets me maybe once or twice a year. But when something triggers that anxiety, it hits me like a tidal wave. It surges through my brain and there's no escaping the inner-destruction that inevitably follows. Then there's no telling when I'll get back to being myself again.


So around the end of May, the trigger was pulled. I don't know for sure what caused it but my best guess is all of the change, which I've mentioned before in previous blogs. All at once it seemed that every constant around me completely changed. I didn't know how to handle it and I was thrown into some kind of crazy tail spin that I couldn't control. Instead of trusting that everything would work out, I did what I do best. I ran.


Obviously, I'm not talking about physical running. If I were, we'd be having a very different conversation about my progress this month. What I mean is that I mentally checked out. Was I still able to laugh and pretend that everything was normal? Sure! Sometimes even better than normal. I'm very well-rehearsed in pretending. I even have a degree in theatre to prove it! By masking all of that anxiety, I was able to retreat into the deepest parts of my brain where I could stop caring. I didn't care what I ate, how it affected me, how it made me feel, or the consequences I'd have to face for those actions. I chose to shut myself away and hold on to whatever made me feel good. Which, of course, was food.


So then came the rollercoaster. Gain, drop, gain, drop, happy, sad, motivated, unmotivated, hopeful, doubtful, brave, terrified. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach the ejector button to get myself off the dang ride! I could feel myself falling deeper into the dive but everything I did to get myself turned around would just result in more anxiety because I didn't have control. And that, if you know me well, is what scares me most. On the few times a year that I experience this, I usually find that it's because I'm lacking something. This time it was trust. Trust in myself that I can be strong in what I'm doing and trust in God that He has got everything taken care of for me.


As I was realizing this, two things clicked into place. The first was a text from my friend Allison that read "Not once in the Bible does it say 'Figure it out'. But over and over it says 'Trust God'. He's already got it figured out". Well... little did Allison know when she sent me that, that it was exactly what I needed a reminder of. I'd been praying so much about the next steps in my life and thinking I'd allowed God to lead but in actuality I was still fighting to have some control. I'm not good at letting go. I'm not good at turning my brain off and believing that what's supposed to happen will come in its own time. I needed confirmation and I wasn't fully getting it. And that all comes back to trust.


The second thing that happened came when I was introduced to a new song. It's strange because at first I was just listening to hear the vocals. But then, something about the lyrics struck a chord with me. They said, "You are peace when my fear is crippling. You are true even in my wandering. You are joy. You're the reason that I sing. You are life. Even death has lost its sting. And oh, I'm running to Your arms. The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace. Light of the world, forever reign. You are more than my words will ever say. You are Lord, all creation will proclaim. You are here. In your presence I'm made whole. You are God, of all else I'm letting go."


Those words really pierced through the fear and brought me back. I'll be honest that my faith isn't always what I wish it would be. I always love God and know that I owe my blessings to Him but I'm one of those people that has a hard time finding the connection. My way of relating to God is when I sing or dance to worship and I've been missing that connection. I needed to find it again. As I listened to that song, I felt that bond re-form and it seemed like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I went to sleep repeating those words to myself and woke up SO refreshed! Seriously, this morning felt like my slate had been wiped clean. I was back to that moment on January 31st, on the phone with the Biggest Loser Resort, hearing that I'd been given a second chance at life! It reminded me of how truly motivated I am and dug it out from within. Now I feel ready to attack and continue chasing this dream. Chase it until I've poured everything I have into it!


At this point, you may be wondering what any of this has to do with my weight loss. Friends, it has EVERYTHING to do with it! Like I've talked about before, I needed the reminder that I deserve good things. I deserve this chance to change my life. How can I be physically healthy if I'm not healthy in all other aspects? The reason I write these blogs is to chronicle my journey and recovery from addiction. Last month was a major relapse in all senses of the word and I had to crawl my way back out. I'd slipped so far down that I truly needed some divine intervention to get up to the top again. And thankfully I've gotten there!


The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was work out because I actually wanted to! I had a healthy breakfast because I craved something nourishing. Then I prayed. And prayed. And continued praying because I needed replenishing. I know not all of my friends or readers believe in God and that's okay! I'm not trying to gush or slam anyone in the face with my spirituality. I'm simply being honest about what works for me and what's best to maintain this progress. My faith is one of the biggest factors of who I am and what keeps me going. I need to have it in place in order to be successful. Today I finally feel complete. I feel like the girl who started this thing and is absolutely determined to finish strong!


So all of that back story for the month of June leads me to the overall purpose of the blog. The update. Now don't get crazy on me y'all... but here's how it turned out.
June 2nd: 260 lbs
July 1st: 259 lbs


But before you get bummed for me, lemme break this down real quick! It may look like I only lost a pound this month, yes. You don't have to be a rocket scientist, math wiz, or rainman to see that those are the actual stats. But when I went off course, I gained all the way back to 267 pounds! YIKES BIKES! With the weight I kept putting back on and taking off, I actually lost a total of 8 pounds this month, which IS average for me on this journey. And you know what? I'm so proud of that! The fact that I went through all of that craziness and STILL managed to come out of the month with any kind of loss is a medical miracle! That's the moment when you drop to your knees, kiss the ground, and eat a big old slice of (healthy) humble pie.


However... July is going to be different. I can feel it! Just call me Stella because I've got my groove back and I'm ready to fight for this. So here's what's going to happen. This month I'm going to defy the odds. I'm going to stay dedicated, keep my head down, and focus so that I can reach this next goal. I want to see if I can get myself back on schedule so I'm shooting for.... 12 pounds!


Goal:
July 1st: 259 lbs
August 1st: 247 lbs


Can I do it? Is it possible? Will I defy all the odds and achieve this goal? Well... guess you'll have to stay tuned and find out :-)