A Few Steps Forward...

Maybe this is only in the female mind but have you ever noticed that the way you see your reflection changes from day to day? Everything is the same as the day before, your body, your face, your skin, your clothes, your mirror itself. The only difference is your eyes. What you're seeing can be distorted based on how you're feeling or what you think you're supposed to look like.

For many women, this plays a huge part in eating disorders. Our eyes see something different than what's actually there so it causes us to go to extremes to change it. Then, even when we've put our bodies through abuse to get our image to match our minds, we're still unsatisfied. Most people assume that this only happens to very thin girls who've lost a grip on reality. I know I did. What I didn't realize, until recently, is that I struggle with this issue.

My mirror is not my friend. There are days that I look at myself and think 'Hey... it's a great day'. The hair is doing good things, my eyes are looking more defined, my smile is brighter, my waist looks smaller, my jeans fit better, etc. But then something happens and a switch gets flipped. All of the sudden, I see nothing but flaws. My hair is waving where I don't want it to, my eyes look tired, my smile isn't white enough, my jeans are way too tight, and my entire body just looks... huge. Disproportionate. Disgraceful.

So what happens between Point A- looking great and Point B- feeling awful? I'm still the same person between those two areas. I don't physically change in the time that I'm away from the mirror. So why do I see two completely different people whenever I decide to look?

It's because my emotion has changed. My mental clarity has morphed. Dealing with the stresses and issues of everyday life alters my perception in ways that I have a difficult time controlling. When I'm happy and well-rested I see the beautiful woman that I know is there. When I'm tired and emotional, that beautiful woman is replaced by a facade that I put in front of me instead. Then I get to begin tearing her down, piece by piece, until all that's left is a broken girl who relives every bad decision that's ever led her to this weight.

Lately, unfortunately, I've been seeing a whole lot more of the distorted image than the real one. Maybe it's because I'm still reeling from the changes I've made. I haven't really had a second to slow down and process what my new life is like. Maybe it's because I'm lonely. All of the fantastic new friends in the world can't keep me from missing the ones I left behind. All of the male attention can't make up for the one I lost. Maybe it's because I'm doing what I swore that I wouldn't and am not putting myself first.

In all honesty, I think it comes down to the latter. When I was chosen for the Biggest Loser Resort back in January, I made a pact with myself that this year was going to be all about me. It was titled Year of You for a reason, wasn't it? Because it's my time to focus on what I need to do to be better in all aspects. So I vowed that no matter what happened, I'd finally take the time to stop worrying about everyone else and take care of myself for a change. For six months it was working just fine! I lost those 55 pounds and felt better than ever. Then I just lost sight of it. I fell... hard... and now it's a huge struggle to get back up.

What I need is to force myself back to the forefront of my thoughts. Forget about everything else that's holding me down. Let go of the baggage that's causing me to be distracted. Drop it all and just rise up. This is MY year. No one else can tell me any differently. No one has the power to alter my reality but me. My reality is this: I am a beautiful woman at any weight. In any reflection. I want to be a healthy one to match. In order to get that back I have to be willing to force myself out into the unknown and just trust that whatever I need is waiting to catch me. Step out onto the water and know that my strength is there to guide me.

I did it once... I'll do it again.

Mile Marker 7

Pressure. It can make you or break you. At the beginning of this journey (exactly 7 months ago) I was using the pressure as a constant motivator. I knew people had high expectations of me, the Biggest Loser had higher expectations, and most importantly I had the highest expectations of myself. Just having come off the contest, knowing how many people were rallying for me to do well at this journey made it unbelievably easy for me to change my habits completely. If you look back at my earliest blog posts, you can see the determination in my writing. I quit eating sugar altogether, focused on my water intake, put more fruits and veggies into my daily diet, and spent lots of time preparing my weekly meals. I woke up at 5am before work every day to get my exercise in early. I made sure and had dinner before 6pm every night and did an evening exercise to keep my metabolism going throughout the night. With dedication like that, it’s no wonder I lost 55 pounds! I was riding high and feeling fantastic.

I miss that.

At some point along the way, the pressure changed. I started to feel guilty for not updating my blog or facebook page enough. My eating began to change as I added sugar back into my lifestyle. Exercise became a chore so I slowed it down. Life got in the way and I decided that I was tired. Tired of constantly pushing myself. Though it had been the best time of my life in feeling healthy, the numbers began to come off more slowly than they had at the beginning. I knew that would happen and mentally prepared myself for it! But when it came down to it, I was still so frustrated that I just wanted to give up. Eating whatever I want may not make me feel better but it’s easier. I wanted easy.

The thing about that though… I’m not a quitter. Not now when I’ve come so far.

A year from now when I look back at the months of July and August and see how lazy I let myself get, I’m going to remember it as the only dark time in my weight loss journey. If I allow myself to crumble under this pressure, then I haven’t really changed myself. The woman that began this journey is still here. She just got tired.

I try to think of this process as a long walk. It starts out fast and forceful, leaving everyone behind in the dust. Old ways are forgotten because you’re excited to get where you’re going. As you go on you begin to slow down. Hills pop up and the climb makes you tired. You reach the peak of a hill and are thrilled by how far you’ve come but you’re exhausted. You just want to take a moment of rest. Once you sit, it’s hard to get back up. But you sit and know that if you don’t get back up, you’ll never get where you’re going. You’ll stay stuck in that holding place until you force yourself to stand.

Well… I’m standing. From this moment until I reach my goal, I will not let anything overtake me. The rest was nice and sure, maybe even necessary but my time is up. I NEED to be near my goal weight by January. I have a life to live and it can’t really start until I make this happen! So here’s the new goal. Between now, September 3^rd and when I leave for the Biggest Loser on December 2^nd, I WILL lose 30 more pounds. That averages to about 10 pounds a month. Prior to my break, I was losing about 8 a month. It’s completely doable if I’m diligent. If I fight. I often complain about lack of time and energy. Well, it’s time to suck it up and stop making excuses for myself. If I don’t ever make time, I will never have the time.

One of the things that stressed me the most about my “rest” was that I was terrified of gaining weight back. After all my hard work, I knew that I may have just blown it and taken steps backwards. Thank the Lord, He knew I needed help. By some miracle, when I weighed myself for the first time in a month, I hadn’t gained! I hadn’t lost either but the important thing is that I didn’t move backward. I was just stalled. So I’m happy to report these stats for you all:

August 2^nd: 255 lbs

September 2^nd: 255 lbs

NO GAIN!!! That’s something to celebrate! For a girl who started at over 300, that’s pretty incredible actually.

So with this new goal in mind, instead of setting a certain number to hit for the month I’m just going to take each monthly loss away from my total of 30 pounds between now and December.

Goal:

September 2^nd: 255 lbs

December 2^nd: 225 lbs

Lets do this thing.