Maybe this is only in the female mind but have you ever noticed that the way you see your reflection changes from day to day? Everything is the same as the day before, your body, your face, your skin, your clothes, your mirror itself. The only difference is your eyes. What you're seeing can be distorted based on how you're feeling or what you think you're supposed to look like.
For many women, this plays a huge part in eating disorders. Our eyes see something different than what's actually there so it causes us to go to extremes to change it. Then, even when we've put our bodies through abuse to get our image to match our minds, we're still unsatisfied. Most people assume that this only happens to very thin girls who've lost a grip on reality. I know I did. What I didn't realize, until recently, is that I struggle with this issue.
My mirror is not my friend. There are days that I look at myself and think 'Hey... it's a great day'. The hair is doing good things, my eyes are looking more defined, my smile is brighter, my waist looks smaller, my jeans fit better, etc. But then something happens and a switch gets flipped. All of the sudden, I see nothing but flaws. My hair is waving where I don't want it to, my eyes look tired, my smile isn't white enough, my jeans are way too tight, and my entire body just looks... huge. Disproportionate. Disgraceful.
So what happens between Point A- looking great and Point B- feeling awful? I'm still the same person between those two areas. I don't physically change in the time that I'm away from the mirror. So why do I see two completely different people whenever I decide to look?
It's because my emotion has changed. My mental clarity has morphed. Dealing with the stresses and issues of everyday life alters my perception in ways that I have a difficult time controlling. When I'm happy and well-rested I see the beautiful woman that I know is there. When I'm tired and emotional, that beautiful woman is replaced by a facade that I put in front of me instead. Then I get to begin tearing her down, piece by piece, until all that's left is a broken girl who relives every bad decision that's ever led her to this weight.
Lately, unfortunately, I've been seeing a whole lot more of the distorted image than the real one. Maybe it's because I'm still reeling from the changes I've made. I haven't really had a second to slow down and process what my new life is like. Maybe it's because I'm lonely. All of the fantastic new friends in the world can't keep me from missing the ones I left behind. All of the male attention can't make up for the one I lost. Maybe it's because I'm doing what I swore that I wouldn't and am not putting myself first.
In all honesty, I think it comes down to the latter. When I was chosen for the Biggest Loser Resort back in January, I made a pact with myself that this year was going to be all about me. It was titled Year of You for a reason, wasn't it? Because it's my time to focus on what I need to do to be better in all aspects. So I vowed that no matter what happened, I'd finally take the time to stop worrying about everyone else and take care of myself for a change. For six months it was working just fine! I lost those 55 pounds and felt better than ever. Then I just lost sight of it. I fell... hard... and now it's a huge struggle to get back up.
What I need is to force myself back to the forefront of my thoughts. Forget about everything else that's holding me down. Let go of the baggage that's causing me to be distracted. Drop it all and just rise up. This is MY year. No one else can tell me any differently. No one has the power to alter my reality but me. My reality is this: I am a beautiful woman at any weight. In any reflection. I want to be a healthy one to match. In order to get that back I have to be willing to force myself out into the unknown and just trust that whatever I need is waiting to catch me. Step out onto the water and know that my strength is there to guide me.
I did it once... I'll do it again.
You my dear can do it. Everyday you look at yourself in the morning... you are the one that sets the tone. So before you jump in front of that mirror in the morning tell yourself what you love about yourself. Give yourself a little pep talk. Say today is going to be a great day and then make that happen. You are the only person in control of you. I know you can do this. You know you are beautiful, smart and all around wonderful so make sure you tell yourself what we all know to be true!!
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