Who Stole My Map???

Well... I think it's pretty apparent what's been going on in my life since I last updated. It's been almost two months since I've written anything. There were several times that I've sat down and made attempts but all of the words that came out felt fake. I know that I've always preached honesty. "Be real about it when you falter, don't hide that it's a struggle, this journey is a tough one, it's okay to have a few setbacks as long as you keep getting back up, etc, etc." What I wasn't completely honest about was when I sunk so low that I had no willpower to get back up. So instead of facing it, holding myself accountable, and asking for help like I'd done earlier on... I just hid. I ignored this blog, my page, my support groups, and friends who'd been pushing me onward and I turned my back on what was best for me. Why? Because I allowed myself to lose sight of what I need. What I deserve.

Back towards the beginning of this Year of You process, I wrote about the primary reason I struggled with weight which is the emotional aspect. I've always had a hard time believing that I deserve good things. It didn't click in my head until someone came right out and said it but it's absolutely true. Somewhere along the line of my life, I decided that I wasn't worthy. That maybe God gave me this body because it was my cross to bear. People do treat you differently when you're overweight. I wish that weren't the case but it just is. So I decided that I deserved exactly what I got. But that couldn't be farther from the truth!

I'll never know why God gave me the specific struggles that He did. I suspect that it was to form my personality into what it has become. Because one thing that I've come to appreciate about my weight issues is that I can acknowledge what I've got to offer as a person. There are so many things that I love about myself that I don't know if I'd have the opportunity to if I'd looked different. I love that I have a sense of humor, that I'm not afraid to try things, that I don't walk into a room with arrogance, that I know who my real friends are, that I'm resilient, that I'm a fighter, and most importantly... that I'm strong. You can't fight your way out of being overweight and NOT be strong.

Whenever I go through phases, like the two month slump I just dragged myself through, it's rarely because I couldn't do it. It's because I lose focus. I let myself get caught up in wanting what makes me feel good in that moment and forget what's best for me in the grand scheme of my life. My focus has been on other things that I look back on and wonder why I let myself get distracted. How could I have been so silly as to give up the greatest opportunity of my life for something that felt right for a minute? Because now I'm kicking myself, thinking of where I'd be if I'd just kept my mind on track. Two months is a split second in the story of my life. It's something that I gave up on and I can't believe that I didn't find a way out of it.

HOWEVER, it's never too late. I don't regret that time that I fell. Regrets are mistakes that you don't learn from. What I learned from my faltered steps is that things don't always go as planned. Life will beat me down time and time again but if I shut down and give up... what's my purpose here? The only way to do good in the world and live your life to its fullest is to continue to get back up. Look your fears and failures in the face, say "nice try", and keep moving forward. Have the courage and the commitment to want what's best for yourself and go out and FIGHT for it. Fight like hell!

I leave for the Biggest Loser Resort in approximately 16 days. This experience has been almost a year in the making and it's finally here! I'm not going to lie... I'm terrified... but I cannot wait to see who I become through this incredible opportunity. I can't wait to see all that I can achieve. I know that I can do this. I will do this and show everyone who stood in my way that I'm so much stronger than they ever realized. Never underestimate what I'm capable of. That's what I've learned. That's what matters.

I've found my worth again. I deserve this. I'm going to get it.