While that's all dandy, the real reason I'm writing today is because I've heard something recently that just... frustrates me. If there's one thing I've become most passionate about during my journey it's the discrimination that people who struggle with their weight face on a daily basis. The standard of beauty is so prevalent in our society that no matter what group you're in, there is going to be at least one who's bothered by the overweight person in the room. Honestly, generally more. Now, I know you thin people who've never struggled with substantial weight issues will say that I'm overreacting... Maybe you think I'm paranoid. But let me share some experience. Trust me, in this subject I have a lot of it.
Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend about my weight and how I felt about it. Not self-deprecating, not complaining, not feeling sorry for myself, just simply saying 'these are the things I'm working towards and this is how it's going'. This friend, a man by the way, was talking about some pictures that were taken of me right when I returned from the Biggest Loser by my friend Kali. He commented on how gorgeous they looked and the word "wow" was used a couple of times.
Yes, those photos are AMAZING and I'm so proud of myself for the body I had in those. I'm also super proud of being a subject of Kali's because I adore her talent so anyone that compliments those photos, I love. But based on the conversation we had been having and upon mention of those photos, it sparked me to say "I feel like people judge me since I've gained all of my weight back since then. I used to hear compliments on my looks all the time and that doesn't happen anymore. It seems like people only feel the need to say it when I'm thin. Like I'm not considered pretty anymore since I'm overweight again".
To this, he responded with one sentence that, though meant with good intentions, completely sucker-punched me....
"Well, you have a very pretty face."
...... Huh.... Okay... Well, there you have it. When I'm thin and within a certain socially acceptable size, I'm gorgeous. Wow. Damn.... But when I'm overweight I just have a pretty face. Am I the only one who feels how degrading that is?
Going back even further, when I was in high school my sister and I were only one grade apart. She was always this skinny, gorgeous, unattainable thing that so many guys wanted to be with. There was some kind of air about her that when she walked into a room, people looked. Me? I was socially awkward and made people laugh. I knew that she was the most beautiful person EVER and I wouldn't measure up but it always hurt when we were compared in that way. One of our teachers even said what now has become the family joke... "Tracy has the looks but Kelly has the voice". Of course at that moment both Tracy and I looked at each other, her thinking 'what do you mean I don't have the voice?' and me thinking 'what do you mean I don't have the looks?'. This is the kind of backhanded compliment that we got all the time.
Fast forward to last year at my healthy weight. The first thing that came out of people's mouths when they saw me was "Wow, you look like your sister!" All of the sudden, she and I were both gorgeous. We shared features that were more easily noticeable since my face had lost its roundness and my cheekbones were standing out. It was like we were finally considered sisters because we actually looked so similar. Then I gained everything back. Those comparisons stopped and the contrasts were back in play.
Obviously, I love my sister more than anything in the world. She's my hero and honestly is my biggest supporter on this journey to health and happiness. She encourages me 100% and loves me even when I'm completely unmotivated and lazy. I WANT her to be considered the beautiful one. In some ways, she's a far more beautiful person than I could ever be just because of who she is. But at the same time... why is it that I'm only comparable to her when I'm thin?
Now, I'm sure at least some of you are wondering why this is a big deal. What's so wrong with people telling you that you have a pretty face? It's a compliment, just take it! Don't complain! Yes, I totally get it and I very much appreciate that people think I'm pretty... in some ways. But let me break it down for you. The phrase "You have a pretty face" focuses only on my head. It has every implication that my face is acceptable but my body is not. Complimenting someone in this way is the same as me saying to a black person "You're good-looking and all but I don't like black guys" (obviously not something I would actually say if you know my boyfriend but it's just an example). There's an underlying tone of judgment and discrimination. In that racial situation, it's noticeable. It's apparent. In my case, it's only hinted at but it's very much there.
'So what?', you may be thinking... 'People can't help what they're attracted to. You should be confident in your personality'. Well, I am! While, yes, that may be true that people can't help it, why is it that so many more guys were willing to flirt with me when I was thin? Why is it that so many more girls were telling me that they loved my clothes when I was thin? Why is it that I can have the exact same face and personality in both settings but I'm certainly not considered as beautiful when I'm overweight? Why is it that people treat me differently based on what size I am?
I'm not writing this blog to fish for compliments. I don't want anyone to finish reading this and feel the need to comment and say that they think I'm beautiful either way. That's not what this is about. The fact is that I love myself. I love who I am. I love many things about the way that I look. Some days, yes, I even love my body. I'm confident in what I've got going on and I do value my personality more than my looks! I don't need anyone else's opinion to make me feel good about myself.
My purpose in writing is to bring attention to the fact that this kind of thing happens all the time. Most of the time in ways that are fifty times worse and more demeaning. It happens to just about every woman I know that deals with an unhealthy weight. We talk about it. It hurts us. If people are going to preach acceptance and inner-beauty, it'd be great if that included no judgment of our bodies.... If the compliments that came to mind weren't about the parts that we happen to have going for us. Either give us a compliment or don't but don't make it conditional. You don't have to like our bodies but if you are trying to make us feel good about the way we look... consider what you're saying and how you're saying it. Because we're more than just pretty faces.
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