More Than Just a Pretty Face

     Alright, y'all... It's been awhile, I know. Part of that is because I haven't been actually trying to lose weight in a long time while the other part is that I was out of things to say. However, within the last few weeks I've really gotten some motivation going. No guarantees that this will last but since the feeling is so fleeting, the best thing I can do is capitalize on it when it's here! So yes, I am exercising and working on my eating habits. Not always easy but every step is one closer than where I was before.
     While that's all dandy, the real reason I'm writing today is because I've heard something recently that just... frustrates me. If there's one thing I've become most passionate about during my journey it's the discrimination that people who struggle with their weight face on a daily basis. The standard of beauty is so prevalent in our society that no matter what group you're in, there is going to be at least one who's bothered by the overweight person in the room. Honestly, generally more. Now, I know you thin people who've never struggled with substantial weight issues will say that I'm overreacting... Maybe you think I'm paranoid. But let me share some experience. Trust me, in this subject I have a lot of it.
     Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend about my weight and how I felt about it. Not self-deprecating, not complaining, not feeling sorry for myself, just simply saying 'these are the things I'm working towards and this is how it's going'. This friend, a man by the way, was talking about some pictures that were taken of me right when I returned from the Biggest Loser by my friend Kali. He commented on how gorgeous they looked and the word "wow" was used a couple of times.
     Yes, those photos are AMAZING and I'm so proud of myself for the body I had in those. I'm also super proud of being a subject of Kali's because I adore her talent so anyone that compliments those photos, I love. But based on the conversation we had been having and upon mention of those photos, it sparked me to say "I feel like people judge me since I've gained all of my weight back since then. I used to hear compliments on my looks all the time and that doesn't happen anymore. It seems like people only feel the need to say it when I'm thin. Like I'm not considered pretty anymore since I'm overweight again".
    To this, he responded with one sentence that, though meant with good intentions, completely sucker-punched me....

"Well, you have a very pretty face."

...... Huh.... Okay... Well, there you have it. When I'm thin and within a certain socially acceptable size, I'm gorgeous. Wow. Damn.... But when I'm overweight I just have a pretty face. Am I the only one who feels how degrading that is?

    Going back even further, when I was in high school my sister and I were only one grade apart. She was always this skinny, gorgeous, unattainable thing that so many guys wanted to be with. There was some kind of air about her that when she walked into a room, people looked. Me? I was socially awkward and made people laugh. I knew that she was the most beautiful person EVER and I wouldn't measure up but it always hurt when we were compared in that way. One of our teachers even said what now has become the family joke... "Tracy has the looks but Kelly has the voice". Of course at that moment both Tracy and I looked at each other, her thinking 'what do you mean I don't have the voice?' and me thinking 'what do you mean I don't have the looks?'. This is the kind of backhanded compliment that we got all the time.

     Fast forward to last year at my healthy weight. The first thing that came out of people's mouths when they saw me was "Wow, you look like your sister!" All of the sudden, she and I were both gorgeous. We shared features that were more easily noticeable since my face had lost its roundness and my cheekbones were standing out. It was like we were finally considered sisters because we actually looked so similar. Then I gained everything back. Those comparisons stopped and the contrasts were back in play.

     Obviously, I love my sister more than anything in the world. She's my hero and honestly is my biggest supporter on this journey to health and happiness. She encourages me 100% and loves me even when I'm completely unmotivated and lazy. I WANT her to be considered the beautiful one. In some ways, she's a far more beautiful person than I could ever be just because of who she is. But at the same time... why is it that I'm only comparable to her when I'm thin?

     Now, I'm sure at least some of you are wondering why this is a big deal. What's so wrong with people telling you that you have a pretty face? It's a compliment, just take it! Don't complain! Yes, I totally get it and I very much appreciate that people think I'm pretty... in some ways. But let me break it down for you. The phrase "You have a pretty face" focuses only on my head. It has every implication that my face is acceptable but my body is not. Complimenting someone in this way is the same as me saying to a black person "You're good-looking and all but I don't like black guys" (obviously not something I would actually say if you know my boyfriend but it's just an example). There's an underlying tone of judgment and discrimination. In that racial situation, it's noticeable. It's apparent. In my case, it's only hinted at but it's very much there.

     'So what?', you may be thinking... 'People can't help what they're attracted to. You should be confident in your personality'. Well, I am! While, yes, that may be true that people can't help it, why is it that so many more guys were willing to flirt with me when I was thin? Why is it that so many more girls were telling me that they loved my clothes when I was thin? Why is it that I can have the exact same face and personality in both settings but I'm certainly not considered as beautiful when I'm overweight? Why is it that people treat me differently based on what size I am?

    I'm not writing this blog to fish for compliments. I don't want anyone to finish reading this and feel the need to comment and say that they think I'm beautiful either way. That's not what this is about. The fact is that I love myself. I love who I am. I love many things about the way that I look. Some days, yes, I even love my body. I'm confident in what I've got going on and I do value my personality more than my looks! I don't need anyone else's opinion to make me feel good about myself.

    My purpose in writing is to bring attention to the fact that this kind of thing happens all the time. Most of the time in ways that are fifty times worse and more demeaning. It happens to just about every woman I know that deals with an unhealthy weight. We talk about it. It hurts us. If people are going to preach acceptance and inner-beauty, it'd be great if that included no judgment of our bodies.... If the compliments that came to mind weren't about the parts that we happen to have going for us. Either give us a compliment or don't but don't make it conditional. You don't have to like our bodies but if you are trying to make us feel good about the way we look... consider what you're saying and how you're saying it. Because we're more than just pretty faces.

A New Dawn... A New Day

Wow... working on a blog for the first time in almost six months. In some ways, it feels foreign and in others it's like I just posted my last one. Remember when I would post at least once a month? For a full year I was that devoted. Where did that go?

So let me give you a little update. For those of you who read what I post pretty much the SECOND I do... first of all, my mind is still blown that you're interested and I appreciate it :-)... you probably already know what's going on in my world. But for those of you who follow my posts randomly, I'll go ahead and fill you in.

If you recall, one of my earlier posts discussed my fear of losing weight and meeting guys... Guys who would only be interested in me because I was thinner or not accept me for all that I am and have been through. I talked about how I really just wanted to meet someone BEFORE I lost the weight because then I'd know they were really interested in me. They care about me for the person I am and think I'm beautiful in any situation.

Well... by God's grace and life's crazy turning of events... that actually happened. I have the world's most wonderful boyfriend who does indeed love me completely for myself. All of my faults, insecurities, eccentricities, goofiness, etc... He loves it. And he has for a long time now! We've only been together for about three months but we've been friends for almost a year. So as I had hoped, he knew me before California. He knew me after California. He knew me when I lost motivation. And now he gets to see me pick up the pieces and start where I left off. He's been there for a huge chunk of my journey and is completely supportive of every decision I make. And he's PROUD of me when I fight for my dreams. I never knew how incredibly helpful it was to have someone right by your side to constantly cheer you on. It makes a world of difference.

While in so many ways my life is so much better than when I last updated... the truth is that something has been missing. It was like I got tired and stressed in keeping up with this lifestyle. I got very depressed when I left the BLR... I call it "losing my mountain", which is both metaphorical and literal... I relied on the wrong people for support. People who were more interested in themselves when they offered to help me. People who tore me down more than built me up. I didn't have what I had in California and it was an absolute nightmare.

So I gave up. I got tired. I quit.

And every person that DID genuinely care and reached out to help me became an annoyance. I was rude to people who asked about my progress. I pushed out people who tried to give me advice. Trainers from the BLR even called to check up on me... and I never called back. I shut myself away into my own little hole of depression and just hid from what I felt like were nothing but eyes watching me... judging me. When really it was me judging myself... ashamed that I stopped fighting.

Then Max happened. I can't even explain how... it was a definite work of God that he showed up when he did in the way that he did. I finally hit a rock bottom of sorts and needed comfort. At the time there were only two people that came to mind so I called one to vent and cry and just get everything out and then... once I'd purged my system of all of that frustration... I reached out to Max, just as one of my closest friends, and he was there for me. He stayed up and talked to me until I fell asleep. He checked on me the next morning. He stayed close by me for the next few days. And the rest is history. It was the light into my darkness that I needed. It was the wakeup call that got me back on my feet.

So now, after working on breaking down those walls that I built up to hide from this world and this journey... I'm finally ready to get back out. To open myself up again. To be what I was and grow to be even better than that. I want to take that potential and make it a permanent part of who I am.

This morning, I looked through some of my pictures from my month in California. I looked at myself and the physical evidence of the things I'm capable of. I looked at my face and the progression from the beginning of the month to the end. And I found this one picture.... probably the most important picture that was taken out there. It's of myself, my friend and partner-in-crime Axa, and our favorite hiking guide Dorothy. It's of the last Friday that we were all together at the BLR when we took a private hike up to the highest peak in the Santa Monica mountains. It's the moment that we reached the very top, which for me was conquering every last fear I had. And it's us just smiling... exhausted, sweaty, dirty... and absolutely gorgeous.

I was alive in that photo. I was glowing. I was completely myself with no inhibitions and no hiding. That was the real me. It shines inspiration right back into me.

So I'm bringing that version of myself back. And this time I will NOT stop until that is who I am every second of every day. Because it's what I deserve... it's who I want Max to have... and it's how I want my friends and family to know me.

Day One of my next chapter starts now.

Snap Back to Reality... There Goes Gravity

Being home is hard. No... excuse me... being home is REALLY hard!

When you're at the Biggest Loser Resort, you're secluded. You have everything provided for you, a very regimented schedule, and no temptation. You can just shut your brain down and do what you need to do. It's the most incredible place to forget the world, let your cares fall away, and live from moment to moment. Or, for me, from workout to workout. All that matters is getting the sweat and pushing through each exercise. It's easy to maintain a focus in that environment.

Home is not that easy. Home is wonderful and I love being with friends and family but at the same time, with that comes reality. I have responsibilities to think about and that affects my new life. What do I want most? To be healthy. What does it take to be healthy? The right foods, time for exercise, proper sleep, etc. How do you get all of those things? You need money for food, a job that allows time for exercise, and a good place to rest. Not all of those are panning out for me right now.

I'm fighting as hard as I can to continue what I started. Since I began this blog a year ago, I have successfully lost 70 lbs and have done everything I can think of to push through the difficult times. I can't lie... there have been several months where I was lucky that I maintained my weight and didn't gain any of it back. When I'm motivated, there is nothing stopping me. If I keep my focus in check it's like I'm a superhero. My body has no limits and I always feel incredible! But when I fall, I fall hard. In California, I was on an extreme high and thought that nothing could ever slow me down. Then I got back into the real world and maintaining that high has been one of the biggest challenges I've ever faced.

Something that I'm realizing more than I ever have before is how crucial it is to surround yourself with the right people. Believe it or not, even those that support you will still be upset when they realize that you're changing. My personality has been different since I came back from California and there are many friendships that have had to adjust because of that. Before I left, my friends were my everything. I was the kind of person who'd do anything for anyone... no matter what it cost me. I've been known to put myself on the line at a moment's notice in defense of those I care about, no questions asked, because I believe it's the right thing to do. This is something that gets me into trouble quite frequently but is a quality I'm actually very proud to say that I possess. I've never wanted to change that about myself.

However, when I was at the BLR, I learned just how much this was affecting my health. In putting everyone else before myself, I was shouldering a lot of additional burden that wasn't my own. For an emotional eater, that is definitely not helpful. So when I was there in December, I had nothing but myself. I learned how to focus just on what was best for me and forget everything else. It was the first time in my life that I lived every day to take care of my needs and it changed my outlook. That's not to say that I stopped loving and caring for my friends... that's not the case at all. But for the first time, their happiness didn't matter to me more than my own. I discovered exactly what I'm worth and how much I want to fight for the things that I deserve.

Maintaining that mindset has been the most difficult thing. In coming home, many of the people in my life expected me to stop or just continue what I'd been doing before. They thought 'Hey, she lost 20 lbs in a month... she looks better than she did... she's feeling good... she's done, right?'.... NO! Not right! Now, more than any other time, is when I have to buckle down and focus! Now is when I have to make sure I'm truly changed because if I'm not... what's going to keep me from putting all 70 lbs back on and going back to being completely miserable? Nothing. And those that don't truly understand what it means to support me will be completely fine with that.

It is an unfortunate truth that in this kind of journey... even though you could have thousands of people rooting for you... you really are the only one who can determine your success. YOU set the pace, YOU take the steps, YOU jump the hurdles, and YOU reach the top. Or... you fall. People may be there to help you up but this is not one of the times in life where they can carry you. It is entirely up to you what happens. It is another unfortunate truth that more often than not, people will be the main stumbling blocks in your path.

So... my new motto... Get on board or get out of the way. In order to continue what I've started and be the person I've fought SO hard to become, I have to maintain the changes I made no matter what. All of them: physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental. If my new lifestyle conflicts with something, that something has to go. It just does. I can balance as best I can to make things work but in the end, my health comes first. Nothing can stand in the way of that. This has already cost me several relationships which does make me sad but at the same time... why would I want people in my life that support me with empty words? I'd like to say that I feel apologetic for being selfish but I know that I'm not being selfish! I'm proving my self-worth.

Reality is hard. It'll bring lots of challenges that get in the way of things you know are good for you. And sometimes we don't want to let go of what makes us comfortable. Well... I'm telling you that it's worth it to let go. Trust yourself. Believe that you deserve only the best. Learn to love yourself first. That's when the change will happen and that's when it'll stick.

So make it stick :-)

Left Kansas to find Dorothy...

I know, I know... of all people to crack a Wizard of Oz joke, I'm the last person most of you would expect. They're so cliche and, being from Kansas, I've heard them my entire life. But in this case it's the truth! Throughout my three weeks here at the Biggest Loser Resort, I've met several amazingly wonderful people who inspire me every day to fight harder and push myself to the limit. Each of them has taught me something new about myself and made me recognize my capabilities but there is one person that stands out above them all as the greatest influence... Dorothy.

Let me tell you a little bit about this incredible woman. She is a hike guide for the BLR... one of the best and most respected in the little army of yellow-jackets we have out here leading us on the trails. She is a former Marine and is basically the most hardcore girl I've ever met. I'm fairly certain she's hiding a Superwoman emblem under her clothes. I've seen her run trails that would make even the strongest men want to cry and push to the top of hills I'd rather die than climb without even breaking a sweat. But she's more than just the baddest chick in existence, she's also the most caring... in the tough love sense of the word.

From day one, Dorothy has been MY hike guide. I know she has a bunch of other people to look after and there are several that she reaches out to the same as she does to me but I think of her as someone sent specifically to help me. On my very first assessment hike, she was by my side the whole way. When I hurt my hip and felt like I couldn't take another step without doubling over in pain, she taught me how to push through. Usually you get different hike guides each day, depending on the trail and your level of experience. TJ, our hike coordinator, makes sure to rotate the guides so that you get to know more of them and they don't get stuck doing the same things over and over. I've hiked with just about all of them at some point or other but for some reason, I've gotten to stay with Dorothy almost every day.

Through the weeks, I've gotten to know her and vice versa. She knows my personality and how hard I'm willing to fight. She's seen me take on each mountain and been there with me, step for step, getting to the top. She's helped me move up from a low level experience van to an upper-intermediate level. On days when I haven't been in her group, I'm always excited to get back to the Resort and tell her how it went because I know that she's genuinely excited for me in becoming stronger. It's a blessing to have someone like that by my side. She makes me better. Always.

Earlier this week, we were out on a trail and I was kind of hanging towards the back of the group. It's not that I was intentionally being slow or taking it easy, I just wasn't in the mood to push as hard as I had been. As we reached the first rest point, she gave me this look... and I knew I was about to be in for it. We took a short break and then headed back out to the trail. As I hung back again to be at the back and take it slow, she stopped and looked around, asking everyone "Where's Kelly? Someone get Kelly". She saw me in the pack and locked in on me. The way a lion does on something it's about to devour. I cringed... knowing she was about to come after me. We met in the middle and she asked if my backpack was secure. I said yes very tentatively. Then she asked the question I'd been dreading... "Are you ready to run?"

NO! I don't RUN... are you crazy?! The only time I run is to chase down the ice-cream truck and I don't hear those magical bells anywhere out here in this valley of death you call a canyon. No ma'am, I will not do it. No... well... maybe... okay, fine... just this once!

Just like that, we started jogging. She kept me going all the way to the top of the hill by saying things like "You're a gazelle!" to make me laugh and having me chase Sarah, one of the other guides. I struggled through it because this was a hill I'd only ever walked before but we passed all the other people in the group and made our way to the front where I stayed for the rest of the hike. From that point on, every hill we hit... we ran. By the third hill, she didn't even have to push me or say anything. I started jogging of my own free will. Now, I can't lie and say that I loved it. Running is not my favorite thing. I'll walk all day long but run? Eh... not so much. But I did feel fantastic after. I knew that I'd just stepped it up even higher than I ever thought possible and I pushed farther than I would have on my own. It was Dorothy's motivation that got me to that point.

On another hike this past week, we went on a trail that I'd done before. I knew exactly how long it would take and I, unfortunately, knew exactly how steep and long the BIG hill would be. It's a killer... a real killer. The first time I did it, I was the last one up. I didn't stop on the incline but I definitely was trudging through so I anticipated it being a similar level of difficulty for the second round. We wound our way through the canyon and with each step that we took towards the main hill, I got more nervous. Finally, we reached the base. I looked up at what felt like was the stairway to my doom and then looked at Dorothy. I shook my head in a way that she knew exactly what I was thinking, which was 'Dear Lord, I'm about to die'. She laughed and said "Did you finish it once?"... I nodded... "Then you can finish it again. Come on, drama"... and she started up the hill. At that point there were a few people in front of me. I knew if I looked at them I'd freak myself out so I put my head down and just focused on the rocks directly ahead of me. I remembered everything Dorothy had taught me up to that point: Get deep breaths, pick a steady pace and you can make it all the way up, look up every ten seconds, take a sip of water everytime the path curves, etc. I focused on the things she always drills into my brain and you know what? Before I knew it, I was at the top. I'd passed everyone else on the hill without knowing it because I was only paying attention to each step. I was the first one up there. I did it.

And that was the last hill of the day... or so I thought. We took a few minutes to rest where Dorothy told me how well she thought I was doing. As we took off towards the end of the hike, I was right next to her at the front. She smiled at me and said "It's like you LIKE hiking now". I laughed, about to tell her otherwise but then I realized, I don't just like hiking. I LOVE hiking. Maybe not so much when I'm hitting those crazy inclines but every hill that I conquer is another mountain moved. It means that I just did what I thought was impossible and that is the best feeling in the world. So I agreed with her... yeah, I really do like hiking now. She smiled at me again, in her sly, Dorothy way, and asked how much energy I had left. Every last bit of me wanted to scream "NONE... I have zero energy left... take me back to the van and let me die!"... but I decided to be honest. I told her I still had some to spare, to which she instantly veered to the left, towards a trail I'd never gone on before.

I looked at where we were headed and it was directly up a rocky bluff. Definitely higher up than I'd ever been on any of my hikes thus far. I wanted to stop and turn around but at that point, an entire group was following me. Dorothy had something in mind for all of us and she was gauging whether or not the rest of the group was ready based on my energy level. She wanted to push me and in turn push everyone else which kind of inspired me. All of a sudden, I'm a leader too. Who knew I'd get to that point? Certainly not me! We climbed all the way up to the top of that cliff and it was just the two of us for a few minutes. She told me how proud she was of me. My response was "It's all you"... because she was absolutely the reason I pushed as hard as I did. To that she said "No. I'm not doing the work. You could stop at any point but you didn't. It's all YOU."

As I looked down at the trail I'd just come up and then around at the vastness of my surroundings, I felt like I was on top of the world. Like I'd just conquered everything. And I knew why she wanted me to get up there. I've never felt stronger. In this picture I took from the top, you can see a little bit of how far we came. If you look in the center of the valley, there's a little stream. That was the halfway point of our hike. Then, to the left of that, you can see the deadly hill we hiked up that I thought was going to kill me. There's a little white tepee that we rested at before she asked about my energy level. As high up as we were when I took this picture was all my extra climb. A view I never would've seen if she hadn't motivated me to get up there. It's breathtaking.

So... with one week left to go on this incredible journey, I can now say that I am at my strongest. It's because of people like Dorothy here that helped me find myself. Helped me fully realize and comprehend exactly what I'm capable of achieving and they make sure that I do. There is no failure when you have that kind of support.

I don't know if I'll get to be with her on my last few hikes that are assigned to me but I did ask her to take me on a private hike up to Sandstone Peak... the highest point in the Santa Monica mountains. This will be my true test of how hard I can push myself and how high I can climb. I've learned so far that I have no limits as long as I trust myself and believe that I can do it. I'm nervous to take on that kind of challenge but I'm ready... so ready!

With Dorothy there to get me through and motivate me to the top... I'm going to move yet another mountain this week. I can't wait!

Don't Flash the Trainers, Kelly Jo...

Don't worry everyone... the title is misleading. I didn't intentionally do anything unsavory out here in California. I'm still the sweet little midwestern girl! So for all of my friends and readers who may be offended by the idea of what this blog topic will entail... it's not what it seems... but maybe you should skip this particular entry. Because only those of you with as goofy a sense of humor as I will find this story amusing. So ponder that... and if you do not have an inappropriate sense of humor like me, please exit to the right because this rollercoaster is taking off.

Now... story time. As you all know, the purpose of being out here is to fulfill a lifelong goal of health. I wanted to learn what meals to eat, how to prepare them, how to exercise, how to love exercise, and yes... I absolutely wanted to lose weight. My hope when I began was that I'd see a big change by the end of the month and shock everyone with how different I'd look. Over my past two weeks here that goal has changed. It's no longer about how much my looks can change in a month, it's about completely changing my way of life. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't notice and appreciate the shrinking of several parts of my body.

Though this has been an incredible time and I definitely love the changes my body is going through... there is one area that I have been displeased by seeing diminish (Here's the part where you bail if you aren't comfortable with my humor... let it be known that I DID indeed warn you... twice). That area... I'm sad to say... is my chest. Now, I'm all about honesty here so let me continue by saying that I've always been very pleased with my general shape and curves. God has blessed me with a figure I actually do appreciate and yes, my chest has a lot to do with that. There's just something about being curvaceous that has always helped me enjoy my body, even if I wasn't content with the size of everything else. So I put a lot of stock into those areas.

The most unfortunate part of all of this is the way in which I discovered that my favorite curves had become less... curvy. When I came out here I brought one swimsuit with me. Partially because I was trying to save space in my suitcase and partially because it's the only one I had and they don't sell swimsuits in Kansas in the winter. We don't have much call for them, smack in the middle of the continent with not many options for swimming nearby. Plus I simply do not swim in public. It's just not something I've ever been comfortable with. So one swimsuit has always done just fine. Thanks to the exercise... not so much anymore. Here's how it all went down...

I went to pool for class, as usual, wearing my simple, black bathing suit. It had been about three days since I was last in my suit and as soon as I put it on, I noticed that something felt a little strange. Things were much more roomy around the middle but I couldn't figure out why. So I got into the water as I always do and waited for instruction. One of my favorite trainers, Joel, was leading pool class that day so I knew we'd be in for a pretty active workout... and he did not let me down.

Our first exercise was a side hop from one side of the pool to the other. This is usually something I enjoy so I went for it, full speed ahead, not giving my clearly loose swimsuit any thought. This, my friends... was a mistake. Water filled the top of my suit in a way that it is definitely not supposed to and as I went splashing to the side... suddenly it was colder. Something felt different than usual but I wasn't quite sure what it was. As I came down from the jump and into the water, I realized exactly what had gone wrong. Why I felt strange during that exercise. The entire top half of my swimsuit had been "readjusted" to the side because something had not been there to keep it in place. In a matter of seconds I clasped my arms tightly around my shoulders in the biggest self-bear-hug you could imagine and went crashing down under the water where, thankfully, I could position everything back in its proper place.

Now... whether or not anyone saw anything is not my issue. We're all friends here... things happen.... no judgment! My issue is that I'm losing weight in these various areas and things keep happening to show me how loose my clothes are getting.... uggggh.... such a burden ;-) Just kidding... I'm ECSTATIC! Don't get me wrong, I am indeed partially bummed that I've lost some weight in that particular area, but this also means that my stomach and waist had to have shrunk! My back muscles had to tighten. My overall core area becoming stronger is the cause and that's wonderful! Since that first day I've bought a new swim top to avoid any other instances like that and in the next few weeks I'll be well on my way to buying new jeans because all of my pants are beginning to slip. It's an incredible feeling! In just two and a half weeks I have seen these amazing changes and I'm so excited about the progress. I can't wait to see what it'll be at the end of my stay.

The moral of the story is this... though I am not an exhibitionist nor do I take joy in possibly exposing myself to people on accident... I'll take that risk anytime if it means that I'm succeeding. Though they may have to put a sign up at the pool reminding me to continue to pay attention to the fit of my top, I know for a fact that the Biggest Loser Resort staff is just as excited as I am about this particular problem.

So... don't flash the trainers, Kelly Jo. Just keep altering those clothes to fit your new body :-) You've worked hard for it!

The Medicine Man and the Meals

Whew... it has been a crazy ride so far out here! I've done things just in a week and a half that I never would have thought I was capable of but that's the point. You find out who you are and what you're made of out here. When you're pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and forcing change every single day, you'll be shocked at what you come across.

For example, some words that have been used to describe me over the past few days were: adventurous, overachiever, fighter, hardcore, inspirational, determined, and fearless. I have rarely heard these words in regards to me for this kind of circumstance. Usually if people use those to describe me it's for one specific action or achievement. Here... people use these regularly and it blows my mind every time. I have unlocked an entirely new dimension to the person I am and it's amazing what I'm finding that I never knew I had in me.

I have a million stories to tell just in my first 10 days of time here so it's kind of hard to focus on just one thing to talk about but here are a few new experiences that I've had. First... lets talk about Dr. Ray. Oh dear goodness... Dr. Ray. This man has magical healing hands. I don't know what kind of witchcraft he practices but it is WORKING! On Day 1, I pushed way too hard on the first hike and my hips completely rebelled against the rest of my body. I could barely walk for the next two days because they were so out of whack it was incredibly painful. I forced myself to push through the workouts but after each session I was just about doubled over in pain. I tried everything I could think of to make it better... time in the hot tub, extra stretch classes, a massage, and even icing them. Nothing was loosening these things up. So I made an appointment with the chiropractor on staff here. I've heard so many incredible stories about things he's helped people with that I thought I'd give it a try but, being me, I was still a little cynical. And when I met him for the first time, he knew it.

He wasted no time in getting started (each session is only 20 minutes long) and worked through basically every muscle group in my body. The first great thing about him is that he's very personable and knows how to make you instantly comfortable. I mean... anytime someone is shoving your leg up by your nose to stretch it out makes for a pretty solid icebreaker. Try it sometime. It works. Anyway, he pushed my right leg up as far as the tightness of the muscle would allow which, I'm sad to say, was no higher than my hip. He said "See where this is at right now? In a few minutes it's going to be by your head". I laughed at him and thought 'yeah right dude, I haven't been able to do that since I was 17 years old so good luck' but let him give it a shot anyway. He did his chiropractor thing, twisted me into a pretzel, popped some things into place, and pushed the same leg up again. You know how far it went this time? All the way to my head!!! What?! I was blown away. After a few more pops and adjustments, he had me walk around. I felt like a completely new person. The hips were still a little tight but nowhere near what they were before and the rest of me was definitely feeling the instantaneous effects. It was incredible! Needless to say, I'm going to see him each week that I'm here because it helps with my energy and overall ability so much.

Something else I've been doing while I'm here is trying every meal they put in front of me. I'm usually a somewhat picky eater and if something has one ingredient that I don't like, I have a hard time bringing myself to try it. But I wanted to be as open-minded as possible while I'm here so every plate of food that has been on the menu and given to me, I have tried. For the most part, I have liked every single thing that I've tasted! The nutritionists and chef here do a fantastic job of giving lots of different options and making the food taste delicious while still being healthy and under a certain calorie limit everyday. We get several options for breakfast and mine usually involves some kind of scrambled egg. Now... I love eggs... could eat them all day if I had to... so good... but usually I pair them with some kind of salty side like bacon or sausage. We don't really get that salty option here. So I found a new best friend and it's name is: Sriracha. Oh my goodness it livens up my eggs and wakes me up all at the same time! I have it most mornings and it is delicious. Another great thing are the desserts that we get every night after dinner. Usually it's some kind of fruit paired with a sweet sauce and sometimes... that sauce is chocolate. We had chocolate covered strawberries the second night that I was here and earlier this week we had chocolate covered bananas. It was to die for. SO GOOD!

Though most things are delicious and wonderful... I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have a few complaints. On Sunday, we're given a sack lunch since most guests leave that day and the stay-over guests go out to see the sights of LA or just be somewhere that's off the property. So this past Sunday our sack lunch included an apple, string cheese, cucumbers and carrots, pita bread... and hummus. Now, let me just say that I've never had hummus before. Never really wanted to. But I was keeping an open mind and decided to roll with it. When I opened it up and smelled it, I knew I was in for an experience... so I decided to document it. Here's how my first hummus tasting went:

Giving it a try...

I'm a little nervous...

Tastes a bit grimy and weird...

Yeah... I don't like this...

Maybe a second bite will be better?

Yeah, not so much...

Gotta wash that down with water...

LOTS OF WATER....

So... that one didn't work out so well for me. But since the hummus disaster of 2012, I've successfully enjoyed every other meal that I've received here. That's saying something! From one picky eater to the millions of others out there, you CAN eat healthy and have it taste delicious. Trust me, it's possible.

I'm out of time for today but as I said, I have so many stories to share so I'll do my best to keep them coming and update as often as I can! I'm only a week and a half in so there are plenty more experiences on the way to talk about as well. Thanks for the continued support whether it be words of encouragement, prayers, or just following my blog and videos. I'm so in awe of all the help everyone is willing to give to keep me strong throughout this journey. I'm forever grateful!

Moving the Mountain...

Oh goodness… I’m EXHAUSTED… but in all the best ways! I’m on Day 3 of 28 here at the Biggest Loser Resort in Malibu, California and let me just say that it is absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever done. For those that always ask what my secret to weight loss is, the answer is this: HARD WORK! There is no magical pill you can take that will make it come off with no effort. You get out what you put in and if what you’re putting in is nothing? That’s exactly what you get. You have to be willing to do the work to get the results. It’s not easy. It’s not supposed to be! It hurts, it’s a struggle, it sucks, it makes me feel like crying… and it’s completely worth it.

So let me back up and tell you a bit about the first day. The first hike of my time here was INSANE. I started out feeling really confident… a little too confident. I had lots of energy, was pumped, and ready to rock it out. For the first little bit, that’s exactly what I did. I was at the head of the pack, putting everything I had into it. We didn’t have much incline so I was feeling fairly certain that I’d keep a pretty great pace. Then we rounded a corner and BAM… the steepest hill I’ve seen in recent memory. This didn’t shake my determination though. I pushed myself as hard as I could and kept up with the hiking guide. Step for step and breath for breath, I was right there with her. We hit the top and I felt like I just conquered the world! The view was incredible! I had a minute to stop and take it in and take pride in being the first to the top.

We headed back down and I was still feeling pretty pumped, knowing that the hardest part was over. Then our guide stopped, waited for the rest of the group to catch up, looked at me and asked “You feeling good?”… I smiled and said “Yeah, I’m great!” completely ready to head off back to the Resort. She just smirked and said “Okay, lets go back up”…. and my face looked like this (:-O)

My cockiness came back to bite me. I’d used up all my steam trying to prove that I was the best and could endure the most. So I got a little ego check and after 4.5 more miles with other inclines, I found myself at the back of the pack. Blisters started creeping up on me. There was intense pain in my hip. My body was not having it. At several moments I actually considered stopping and taking breaks… but that’s not why I’m here. I’m not here to take it easy, I’m here to work and work harder than I ever have. So I reminded myself that it’s not about being first and it’s not about being the strongest. It’s about never stopping.

For the last quarter mile of the hike we were all pretty much wiped out. Everyone had been giving their all and we were just ready for the 2 hours to be done so we could sit down. Our other guide had us stop and do tricep dips before we got back and once those were done she said, “Now run. If you want to run… if you can take more... run”. My initial reaction involved a slew of curse words being said in my head which I shall not repeat… I’m a lady. But after a second, without thinking, I took off. As I was running I kept thinking ‘Stop. Ouch. This hurts. Why are you doing this? Ouch. Stop’… but I kept pushing. And because I did that, I ended towards the front of the group. Now, I was certainly not the best or the strongest. We had a girl in our group who is in the Air Force and barely even broke a sweat during the whole thing. But I held my own and proved to myself just what I’m capable of. If I can get through THAT being completely out of shape and in painful shoes on my first day… I’m fairly certain I can do anything. That’s not to say this will be easy. None of this will be easy. I will want to collapse so many times while I’m here, I can already tell. But I’m not going to. When your brain and body say that you can’t take anymore that’s when you have to push the hardest. That's when change happens. That's when you find yourself.

I feel like a warrior already.

More to come later!