Do I want this or not? I've been thinking about that question over the past few days. My eating has been awful this past month. My working out has completely halted. I'm letting my old habits come back with a full force. Why??? If I continue down this path, the 55 pounds I spent over 5 months working so hard to lose will all come back. Then what will I have to say for myself and what I'm trying to do? All efforts will be lost.
So I've been tossing that question around in my head over the past few days. Am I willing to let stress and changes of life throw me off? NO! I have to remember the reasons why I want this so badly.
1) I don't want to just look better, I want to feel better
2) I want to accomplish something greater than anything I've ever done
3) I want to prove that I can overcome anything I set out to
4) I want to honor the life God has planned for me
5) I want to honor the body God gave me
6) I don't want to let down all of the people rooting for me
7) I don't want my family to think that they are the reason that I struggle with this
8) I want to take the opportunities given to me and live life to its fullest
9) I want to dance again
10) I need to save my own life
There are a million other reasons but over the past few days, those are the ones that are sticking out most in my mind. I keep going over them again and again, working my way up to this moment. The moment where I say that enough is enough. The time for walking lazily alongside the wagon is done and I'm ready to jump back up in full force again.
I don't care how hard I have to work and how long it takes me... this is my year. This is my time. I'm done wasting it! September is coming and I'm ready to own it.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Lost in the Wilderness
Wondering where I've been? Yeah... me too. Life has officially gotten in my way and thrown me way, way, WAY off track. I wish I had better news to report like... I don't know... I've lost 20 more pounds but the truth is, I'm stuck.
A few weeks ago I moved, started a strenuous series of rehearsals for the new theatre I'm working at, and went in search of a day job to pay the pills. Praise to God, I found a job and began training this past Monday! But my new daily schedule is jam packed from 6am all the way to midnight or later, with few opportunities for eating so by the time I can, I'm starving! Then I eat the first thing that's put in front of me which is usually unhealthy.
I know the rules... plan ahead. Pack lunches. Prioritize your meals. I know all of these rules to staying on track in a hectic schedule! But between the hours of midnight and 6am, when I have the opportunity to take time for myself, I'm faced with the difficult choice of which is more beneficial to me: a greater amount of sleep, or healthier food for tomorrow. Lately, I'm sad to say that sleep has been winning.
It's a tricky combination... finding the right balance of doing what you need to do to support yourself financially and what you need to support yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. It's a balance I haven't fully gotten the right combination to yet but I'm working on it.
The good news is that eating right and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is constantly at the back of my mind. With each unhealthy choice I make, I'm reminding myself that I need to retrain my appetite and soon. That means that I haven't completely lost my motivation and hope that I can pull forward in this. It's still there, I just need to figure it out!
When I find the right direction, I'll let you all know. In the meantime... send some prayers and good thoughts my way. This is still my year! I just need to get my mojo going again
A few weeks ago I moved, started a strenuous series of rehearsals for the new theatre I'm working at, and went in search of a day job to pay the pills. Praise to God, I found a job and began training this past Monday! But my new daily schedule is jam packed from 6am all the way to midnight or later, with few opportunities for eating so by the time I can, I'm starving! Then I eat the first thing that's put in front of me which is usually unhealthy.
I know the rules... plan ahead. Pack lunches. Prioritize your meals. I know all of these rules to staying on track in a hectic schedule! But between the hours of midnight and 6am, when I have the opportunity to take time for myself, I'm faced with the difficult choice of which is more beneficial to me: a greater amount of sleep, or healthier food for tomorrow. Lately, I'm sad to say that sleep has been winning.
It's a tricky combination... finding the right balance of doing what you need to do to support yourself financially and what you need to support yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. It's a balance I haven't fully gotten the right combination to yet but I'm working on it.
The good news is that eating right and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is constantly at the back of my mind. With each unhealthy choice I make, I'm reminding myself that I need to retrain my appetite and soon. That means that I haven't completely lost my motivation and hope that I can pull forward in this. It's still there, I just need to figure it out!
When I find the right direction, I'll let you all know. In the meantime... send some prayers and good thoughts my way. This is still my year! I just need to get my mojo going again
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Mile Marker 6
This month is different. This month everything changed. Instead of telling you where I succeeded and where I faltered, I just have one story to tell.
After thinking for years about moving back to Texas, the idea became a reality. Things fell into place for me. I wasn't seeking the opportunity or looking for ways to force it to happen. God just kept dropping things in my lap. A chance to develop something I'm so passionate about appeared and will be in the works to bring to Dallas. A random opportunity to join a theatre company just materialized in front of me and I was offered the job within days of discovering it. So within two weeks I had packed up and made the move from Kansas City to Dallas.
If you've read any of the previous blogs, you know that change is my kryptonite. I don't handle it well. Anything that leaves me feeling uncertain causes me to stress which then causes me to hide in my comfort zone. I didn't stop fighting but I wasn't fighting as hard as I could have. I didn't fight as hard as I should have. As has been my problem for the past few months, I was struggling to find a constant motivator. Without that pushing me onward, I've been wandering around half-asleep. So God gave me a huge wake-up call.
A few days ago I was driving to my rehearsal at the theatre I now work for. If you're from or have been to Dallas recently, you know that basically every major roadway is under construction and can be very difficult to navigate. Especially at evening rush hour, which is when I have to brave the roads and get to my job. This particular day was actually one of the smoother drives I've had. Everyone in traffic seemed to be cooperating with each other and merging well which is completely out of character for Dallas drivers. I couldn't help but think 'Wow, this is a great day for traffic. It's running so smoothly'. Just before reaching my exit, I entered a portion of the interstate that had been forced down to 2 lanes and had concrete barriers on both sides. As soon as I got past the point of no return, those barriers became a death trap.
I saw the car just ahead and on my left hit the side of the concrete with their front corner. Because of the angle they connected at and the speed they were moving, the car just became a spinning top. It ricocheted over to the other side of concrete, which put them directly in front me, and then spun the car twice before coming to a stop in the dead center of the two lanes. Because it happened so fast and the rest of us were still driving at highway speeds, there was no way for any of us to brake in time. This car was a sitting duck and the person in place to hit it was me.
I like to think of myself as a driver who's good under pressure and has the skills to handle a situation like that but to be honest, I thought that my death was inevitable. So I didn't even turn my wheel. I had slammed down my brakes as soon as I saw the initial impact but the position in which this car landed provided no path around it. There was nothing for me to do but collide, head first into the other person. Nothing I could do to stop it.
You always hear about people facing near-death experiences and seeing their lives flash before their eyes. I always thought it was just a figure of speech and in some ways it is but now I can understand exactly what they mean. They don't mean that you see your entire life played out as a movie in the blink of an eye. They mean that your mind shows you the people that make up your life. The people who matter to you and remind you what it is to be alive. I just thought of my family and what they mean to me. That was the life I was certain I was about to leave behind. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of terror but then it was quickly replaced with a prayer. There were no words to this prayer, just an understanding between myself and God that this was up to Him. I released all control.
Now, I can't explain or understand what happened next. Though I didn't turn my wheel, my car suddenly veered to the right. Though my foot was already pressing down on the brakes, my car screeched and shuddered even further without my efforts. It turned at just the right angle and slowed to just the right point that I came to a stop alongside the front of the other car, instead of slammed together at the nose. My car rested for a second while I registered the fact that I was still alive and everything became a blur. Once I realized that I was okay, I jumped out to help the girl in the other car who'd basically totaled it. Miraculously, no one was hurt. Not even a scratch on anyone involved. We looked at our cars... they'd ended only a few inches apart, narrowly avoiding what would've surely been deadly for both of us. The police came and we helped clear the crashed vehicle out of the road and then they sent the rest of us on our way. This whole accident happened within about 4 seconds and then was solved and cleared away in about 15 minutes.
The first thing I did was call my mom. The shock of it all still hadn't quite sunken in so I told her the story as if it was my trip to the grocery store. I think I was just glad to be able to talk to her and if I let it actually get to me that I had come within inches of death, I'd freak out. I went to rehearsal, kept business as usual, came home to my aunt and uncle's house, talked with them a bit about it, and then went to bed. It wasn't until I was lying awake and re-living the whole incident that I truly realized what had happened.
I don't know how I was spared. I don't know why. There's no logical explanation for how my car moved itself out of the way when I wasn't controlling it. I should've died that day but I didn't. I'm still here, able to type this blog post about my weight loss journey. All I know is that God wasn't ready for me yet. It must not have been my time. He still has plans for me here that I've yet to fulfill. That knowledge has given me an entirely new perspective, not only on who I am but what I'm doing. I needed that wake-up call to be reminded of what it is I'm fighting for... my life.
So this month I'm not doing a true update. I'm not telling you the stats of my weight or whether or not I missed or hit my goal because that's not what's important. All that matters is that I'm here and able to continue this journey. Continue fighting for a healthy life that can honor whatever God has in store for me. This month is going to be a completely new and exciting start because I'm so thankful for every moment!
After thinking for years about moving back to Texas, the idea became a reality. Things fell into place for me. I wasn't seeking the opportunity or looking for ways to force it to happen. God just kept dropping things in my lap. A chance to develop something I'm so passionate about appeared and will be in the works to bring to Dallas. A random opportunity to join a theatre company just materialized in front of me and I was offered the job within days of discovering it. So within two weeks I had packed up and made the move from Kansas City to Dallas.
If you've read any of the previous blogs, you know that change is my kryptonite. I don't handle it well. Anything that leaves me feeling uncertain causes me to stress which then causes me to hide in my comfort zone. I didn't stop fighting but I wasn't fighting as hard as I could have. I didn't fight as hard as I should have. As has been my problem for the past few months, I was struggling to find a constant motivator. Without that pushing me onward, I've been wandering around half-asleep. So God gave me a huge wake-up call.
A few days ago I was driving to my rehearsal at the theatre I now work for. If you're from or have been to Dallas recently, you know that basically every major roadway is under construction and can be very difficult to navigate. Especially at evening rush hour, which is when I have to brave the roads and get to my job. This particular day was actually one of the smoother drives I've had. Everyone in traffic seemed to be cooperating with each other and merging well which is completely out of character for Dallas drivers. I couldn't help but think 'Wow, this is a great day for traffic. It's running so smoothly'. Just before reaching my exit, I entered a portion of the interstate that had been forced down to 2 lanes and had concrete barriers on both sides. As soon as I got past the point of no return, those barriers became a death trap.
I saw the car just ahead and on my left hit the side of the concrete with their front corner. Because of the angle they connected at and the speed they were moving, the car just became a spinning top. It ricocheted over to the other side of concrete, which put them directly in front me, and then spun the car twice before coming to a stop in the dead center of the two lanes. Because it happened so fast and the rest of us were still driving at highway speeds, there was no way for any of us to brake in time. This car was a sitting duck and the person in place to hit it was me.
I like to think of myself as a driver who's good under pressure and has the skills to handle a situation like that but to be honest, I thought that my death was inevitable. So I didn't even turn my wheel. I had slammed down my brakes as soon as I saw the initial impact but the position in which this car landed provided no path around it. There was nothing for me to do but collide, head first into the other person. Nothing I could do to stop it.
You always hear about people facing near-death experiences and seeing their lives flash before their eyes. I always thought it was just a figure of speech and in some ways it is but now I can understand exactly what they mean. They don't mean that you see your entire life played out as a movie in the blink of an eye. They mean that your mind shows you the people that make up your life. The people who matter to you and remind you what it is to be alive. I just thought of my family and what they mean to me. That was the life I was certain I was about to leave behind. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of terror but then it was quickly replaced with a prayer. There were no words to this prayer, just an understanding between myself and God that this was up to Him. I released all control.
Now, I can't explain or understand what happened next. Though I didn't turn my wheel, my car suddenly veered to the right. Though my foot was already pressing down on the brakes, my car screeched and shuddered even further without my efforts. It turned at just the right angle and slowed to just the right point that I came to a stop alongside the front of the other car, instead of slammed together at the nose. My car rested for a second while I registered the fact that I was still alive and everything became a blur. Once I realized that I was okay, I jumped out to help the girl in the other car who'd basically totaled it. Miraculously, no one was hurt. Not even a scratch on anyone involved. We looked at our cars... they'd ended only a few inches apart, narrowly avoiding what would've surely been deadly for both of us. The police came and we helped clear the crashed vehicle out of the road and then they sent the rest of us on our way. This whole accident happened within about 4 seconds and then was solved and cleared away in about 15 minutes.
The first thing I did was call my mom. The shock of it all still hadn't quite sunken in so I told her the story as if it was my trip to the grocery store. I think I was just glad to be able to talk to her and if I let it actually get to me that I had come within inches of death, I'd freak out. I went to rehearsal, kept business as usual, came home to my aunt and uncle's house, talked with them a bit about it, and then went to bed. It wasn't until I was lying awake and re-living the whole incident that I truly realized what had happened.
I don't know how I was spared. I don't know why. There's no logical explanation for how my car moved itself out of the way when I wasn't controlling it. I should've died that day but I didn't. I'm still here, able to type this blog post about my weight loss journey. All I know is that God wasn't ready for me yet. It must not have been my time. He still has plans for me here that I've yet to fulfill. That knowledge has given me an entirely new perspective, not only on who I am but what I'm doing. I needed that wake-up call to be reminded of what it is I'm fighting for... my life.
So this month I'm not doing a true update. I'm not telling you the stats of my weight or whether or not I missed or hit my goal because that's not what's important. All that matters is that I'm here and able to continue this journey. Continue fighting for a healthy life that can honor whatever God has in store for me. This month is going to be a completely new and exciting start because I'm so thankful for every moment!
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