Eyes On the Horizon

In order to make sure my full attention is on my progress, I've decided to put some necessary rules in place. Most are about eating out and spending time with friends. I have to be careful what I eat when I'm out with people because I can be very easily swayed to push my calorie limit. Not by the friends, everyone is hugely supportive; I pressure myself because my entire body goes into crave mode just being in a restaurant and I find it hard to turn my brain off but I'm learning every day!

The real rule I had to enforce is something I'm no stranger to. I like to call it a "Boy Fast". Most of my close friends know about this weird quirk of mine but in case you're not familiar, I'll explain. A boy fast is a period of fasting from all things related to dating. For the allotted time I steer clear of anything romantic and just focus on whatever goal I'm trying to achieve. In the past, the goal has been school work, my faith, or just needing time for myself. This time, it's so I can have zero distractions from what I'm doing to change my life. My friend Anna put it best when she said that relationships are the easiest way to put weight back on. Generally because we're happy, we stop making time to take care of ourselves because we are engrossed in something else and we're comfortable in that. As Anna said, "When you're dating, you want to get ice cream with your boyfriend. You want to go to dinner. You want to get chocolates on Valentine's Day". I completely agree! But for me it's also more than that. It's pure distraction.

I can't even begin to explain how many times I've lost focus on a goal because of a guy. I think any girl who's struggled with weight can relate to that. See, in most cases, we don't get a lot of attention from men so when we do, it's a big deal. We're generally the girl who has tons of friends that are boys and not many boyfriends. There can be several factors that go into it but I know for me, my biggest issue has always been self-esteem. I have a hard time being open and being myself. I get nervous that whatever guy I'm interested in is judging me because I'm sitting there judging myself. Of course I sabotage relationships! It's because I get into my own head and talk myself out of anyone's interest. In my own mind, I don't feel good enough. So I run away from the good guys who are completely wonderful and accepting and decide to date the guys who are completely wrong for me but like to tell me I'm pretty. That, my friends, is a fat girl's kryptonite.

So... I decided it's time to make that lifestyle change as well. At some point in my life, I'd like to get married and have kids. At some point I'd like to be completely comfortable with the idea of trusting someone that much that I'll settle down. I'd like to love myself before I allow someone else to love me. At this current juncture, I'm not in the right place to even consider it. I want to get my life to a happy, confident place and have time to really focus on myself. Just myself! I have to find balance on my own. If I include feelings for someone into that equation, I see myself tipping the scale in the wrong direction.

At first I said I'd just continue this fast until August. At that time I'd have a firm grip on what I'm doing and (if all continues progressing as it should) have dropped 60 pounds so I'd be feeling more ready to handle the distraction. But to be completely honest, I think I need to make it last until January. What's the purpose of dating between now and then anyway? If there is a guy that comes into my life and is interested, he can surely wait a few months right? If 2012 is truly the year for me, then I need to take whatever steps necessary to ensure that my entire focus is just on achieving my goal. So that's what I have to do! Keep my eyes on one horizon.

I do look forward to the day that I meet someone and feel fully confident and know that I took the time to learn to love myself. Then my heart can be open. Finally!