Not Breaking This Fast

"When you lose all of your weight, you're going to be so gorgeous"... "Guys are going to fall at your feet when you lose all your weight".... "You are going to be turning down dates right and left once you've lost the weight".

I hear variations of this all the time. People can't wait to see what my love life will look like once I've attained this lifelong goal and how I'll be different. They believe that as soon as I come back from the Resort, I will suddenly be swarmed with men clamoring for my attention and begging for my hand in marriage. This is every girl's dream, they say. But... is it? Oh right, because when Prince Charming slipped the shoe onto Cinderella's foot he actually said "It's okay that you're a peasant in rags. I'm just glad you're not fat". The original storyteller must've forgotten to include that line.

I understand what people really mean when they say things like that. They just mean that I'll finally be confident and feeling beautiful within myself and that will be attractive. It'll make me shine and catch men's attention. This is so true and I already feel a million times more confident than I did back in February, which HAS in fact gotten me a little more attention than I'm used to. Is it nice to be admired? Sure! Is it nice to be complimented? Absolutely! But this is why I put my "Boy Fast" rule into place. I do not want to even consider dating while I'm focused on becoming healthy because I need to be sure that I do love myself first before I open up that door.

To be honest, I'm terrified of what will happen after I've reached my goal! I don't want guys who've known me forever to all the sudden call and ask me out. That would be weird! I've already learned how to relate to guys as just friends, I think it'd freak me out to have a man I've looked at as a brother change and begin to show interest. This is something that a few of my friends who've lost weight have pointed out to me. My brain has 24 years of obesity wired into it. I live my life as a girl who's had a thousand guy best friends and very few boyfriends, most of whom were not very kind. My primary focus when I meet new men is and will probably always be friendship because that is just what I've come to expect. And that's what's important.
I also have the fear that when I reach that goal line, I'll always have that as something to talk about with men. If I'm in a relationship that's starting to become serious, I WILL have to have an addict's talk with him and let him know 'Hey, I've struggled with food addiction and weight gain my whole life. I fought my way out of it but it's very likely that I could relapse. It will continue to be a lifelong battle. Are you okay with that?'... I don't want to have to have that talk. So even though I am being very strict and staying out of the dating or flirting scenes right now, part of me IS praying that I meet someone before. I want to be sure that the guy I'm with loves me for myself, personality and looks, just as I am now. So I'm conflicted!

Anyway... I know this is one of my more random blog topics but it's something that has been weighing on me the past few days. I guess the bottom line is, God already has this taken care of for me so I need to just let that worry go. Whoever He brings into my life, whether it be pre-weightloss or post-weightloss, will be the perfect one for me. Someone who appreciates me in all of my forms and is happy to talk to me when I'm having my crazy moments like this, ha ha.

When it all comes down to it, I'm confident in myself and what I have to offer. That's all that matters.

Who's Driving This Thing?

I was out with a big group last night and someone offered me fries. I said "No, thank you" and he kept trying to push me to eat some. Only me. Why is that? One of my friends eventually explained to him what I'm working towards and why I did not care to have any fries and the guy said "Well, if you're going to the Biggest Loser Resort, why are you even trying to lose weight now? This is an awesome opportunity to eat whatever you want!" I just laughed and told him that I'd like to not die before my month comes around.

You'd be shocked to know how often I'm told that exact thing when people find out about my Year of You. That I should take the time until December to just indulge and have fun since the BLR will help me work it off. While I understand their thought process, I can't help but think that the answer is obvious. Why would I want the resort to help me take weight BACK off that I didn't have to begin with? Why would I waste my month there by losing what I shouldn't have put on anyway? Then I'd just be right where I am now and no further down.

I think people assume that I'm guaranteed to lose all of my weight while at the resort. Like I'll magically go from whatever size I turn out as on December 2nd to 160 pounds in just a month. I wish it were that easy but no, friends... it's not humanly possible! If it were, I would absolutely be indulging in whatever I wanted without regards to my future but as it is, I want to be at my goal weight by January! So I have no choice but to start now and it actually makes me happy that I'm doing it mostly on my own. I'm so much stronger because of that and when I finish this year, I will have such a great sense of pride since I fought for it. All year long, I fought for what I wanted most.

When I first won the contest and found out that I was going to be the last person to go, of course I was a little bit bummed. I'd been so motivated to go out and take on the 7 hour exercise days that when Amanda said December, I just thought 'Aw man... I have to wait almost a year to get started'. Then there were the people who were upset for me saying how horrible it was that I had to wait, how I should call back and complain, that I should demand an earlier month, and it's not fair that I have to go last. It was actually those people, speaking out in frustration for me, that made me realize what a gift I'd been given. Going last is not a curse! Far from it! I don't have to wait to get started and it's actually been a huge blessing.

See, most of the other 10 winners got the gift of a kick start. They get to go earlier, so they have the opportunity to learn first, lose a good chunk to begin with, and then take what they learned home. Not so different from contestants on the regular show. That's a great blessing to them but then they do have to go home and finish on their own, figuring out how to make the continued progress work into their lives. Those of us that are going towards the end of the year got the gift of the final push. We all got the amazing opportunity to watch the others go enjoy their months. We get to learn from their struggles, see what it takes to survive a month out there, and even hear the great tips they're getting that can help us while we're fighting for it at home. Then once we get out there, whatever we've lost prior to going is a huge bonus! Because it's likely that we will all definitely be close to our goal weight by January. I have the motivation of knowing my month is waiting for me and it keeps me pushing forward. It keeps me going!

For me, the problem has never been starting. When I get it in my mind to start a diet or a new meal plan, I'm generally excited and think 'Yeah! This time it's going to work. This new weight loss fad is really going to help me do it this time!'... fast forward two weeks and I'm sitting on the couch, eating an entire package of Oreos and ordering pizza, already given up on it. Nothing ever stuck. My problem has always been keeping the motivation and energy up to continue. So I don't know how the resort decided what order we go in or why but I think that God had a hand in it. He shuffled the deck in my favor and knew that going last was the best thing for me because it IS my time to complete this lifelong goal. I didn't need the kick start, I needed the final push. That's what I've been given!

So please don't be offended if over the next five months, I don't indulge the way I could. I'd love to eat fries all the time with my friends but the truth is... I don't feel the need to anymore. Knowing where I'll be in January if I keep working on it now is the light at the end of this long tunnel, constantly drawing me forward. I may slow down at times, I may stumble along the way, but I will always get back up and keep moving towards that light. All you need is that reminder of why you're chasing your dream. Having that in mind has made all the difference.

Before I go, I do have a quick story from when I took a few crazy days off last week. I fell of the wagon hard! Thankfully, I got back up and the weight I gained is now gone again but I had some serious food addict relapsing issues. Here's what happened:
(I was driving home from a friend's house and REALLY craving, fighting the urge to go to the drive-thru. So I called my mom for support. No answer. I come home later with a bag of take-out)
Me: I did something bad
Mom: Why'd you do that?
Me: I called you to talk me home so I didn't go crazy but you didn't answer! So I took it as a sign that I should get food
Mom: You could've called someone else!
Me: Well, I thought about calling Tracy but I knew the odds of her giving in and telling me I could go ahead and eat it were not looking good

:-) My poor mom. Now she knows my secret and the next time the addict in me decides to go a little nuts, mom will conference call in my drill sergeant sister! But hey... ya gotta do what ya gotta do to keep me in check!

Who Stole My Compass?

I've been struggling the last few weeks and it has not been the easiest time for me to handle my emotional eating addiction. It generally shows when I'm struggling because I don't update my blog or page as frequently. So here I am... pouring out my feelings here... trying to get my motivation back. This is the hardest it's been for me in the 4 months I've been at it. I think that in dealing with all of the things that are going on in my life, it's just easier to slip back into old habits. There are a lot of changes happening and I've never been good with change.

1) I moved out of my apartment and am living with my parents for a few months to save money. I'm not sure where I'll be headed at the end of the summer but I knew that if I wanted to make a bigger move soon, I'd have to put something into my savings first. I couldn't afford that without my full-time job, since school let out. Being back with my parents is... different. Don't get me wrong, I love them both so much and it's nice to have people taking care of me. But I think that's the problem. When I'm here, I slip back into "kid" mode. It's just what naturally happens. I take less responsibility for myself and I find myself getting lazy which is the biggest motivation killer.

2) School ended. I miss my students. I miss my co-workers. I miss being on my feet for the majority of the day and not even thinking about it because I'm focused on my work. It was easy to shed pounds there because I was continually moving and I had a certain amount of time to eat, so meals were easier. When school let out, I thought 'This will be perfect because I'll have a good amount of time during the day where I can focus on exercise'. But it hasn't panned out that way so far. I'm tired much of the time and that's another motivation killer.

3) Drama. I'm letting other peoples' issues stress me out. When I began this journey, I made very specific guidelines about what and who I would allow to affect me. Negativity and stress were not invited  to the party but like they tend to do... they crashed in anyway. I have to remember that this is MY year. I can't afford to be spending time with people who are going to make me lose focus. Maybe that's selfish but if it is, it's the first time in my life that I'm doing what's best for me and actually taking care of myself. This is something that I not only want... I need. If I don't take advantage of this time and opportunity, when will I ever do it? 2012 HAS to be my year. That's just the way it is.

4) Uncertainty. My future is really up in the air right now. I'm torn between my head and my heart on what the next steps are for me. My head wants me to do what is practical and good for me in the long run but my heart wants what will make me happy now. And I'm getting great advice to back up both sides! Some people say that since it's my year I should take the full time to just be still and get everything together before making any more changes. Others say that I'm young and should use this time to take risks and follow my heart. I believe both are true... so which do I follow? This is where my emotional eating really comes into play. I'm almost constantly feeling conflicted and my need to figure it out is becoming stressful. My reaction to the stress is to eat so I can feel those few minutes of comfort. I'm losing my grip and I need to get a better hold.

With all of that swirling around in my head, I'm definitely struggling to keep moving forward. I experienced my first real gain of the journey. Not anything that I can't bounce back from but it's still shaking me. So tonight, I'm renewing my vows. To the journey and to myself. I made a list of the reasons why I want and need this and I'm trying my best to remind myself of those over and over whenever I'm feeling the urge to abandon ship. That's not an option!!!

So I keep my list, I focus on what makes me happy, and I remember that every road has its bumps. I knew when I began that it would be the hardest thing I ever do. I signed up, ready to take it on and I need to woman up and conquer this obstacle. If this is the first real time that I'm stalled, then I count myself lucky. I can do this. Being healthy is what I've always wanted most in my life. Everything else can wait.

Starting now, I've got my fighter spirit back.

And the Clouds Begin to Clear

What keeps us addicted to emotional eating? I haven't completely found the answer yet. There are so many inner-demons I've had to face in embarking on this journey. Fears, negativity, bad decisions, and memories. They all come back to haunt me whenever they find an opening into my thoughts. If for one second I let something slip through my positive barrier, a whole flood of emotion washes over me and my first reaction isn't to go cry. It's not to talk to someone and ask for help. It's food.

I was talking to one of my best friends recently about a guy I met a few weeks ago. I was telling her how awesome he seemed and all of the good things I thought about him. My sister is totally rolling her eyes right now, ha ha. Whatever, back to my story. After I told her the basics, I did what girls do best and analyzed every detail of the day to see if maybe he'd been interested in me as well. She thought so but rather than smile and agree with her, I began to come up with reasons why he'd never go for me. It wasn't that I was trying to put myself down, because I wasn't. I really do think I have a lot to offer and when I finally meet that right person, I think he'll be a lucky guy because I plan to be the world's coolest wife! So everything I was telling her about why I couldn't pursue this interest wasn't coming from a "woe was me" place. I was just trying to talk myself out of it. I was forcing my brain to overrule anything else because I didn't want to hope that I'd someday get to know this great guy.

After going round in circles about this for awhile, my wise and wonderful friend stopped and said... "Your problem is that you still don't believe that you deserve good things."

Well, color me shocked.

At first I was so taken aback by that, that I couldn't respond. I just sat there with my jaw dropped, letting those words soak in. I don't believe that I deserve good things. Wow.... Revelation. And the thing is... she was absolutely right! I just never realized it until someone practically slapped me in the face with it. How had I not noticed this before? And what does it mean? So I thought about it.

It's so strange to explain why I feel this way because it's not like I'm mad at myself. I mean, I haven't really done anything that bad in my life that would make me think I didn't deserve happiness. I try my hardest to be a good, honest, and caring person. I'm not perfect by any means but I try to live a life for Christ, in spite of being my liberal, tattooed, and cynical self. So why would I think that? After much soul-searching, the answer I came up with is that I had allowed my past to get under my skin. I've unknowingly let it soak into my system in a way that it creeps into my subconscious and just wreaks havoc.

There are times that I dwell on things people said, even though it was YEARS ago. I sit there and hear all of the hurtful insults over, and over again. When it happens so often in your younger years, it kind of becomes ingrained in your mind. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm beautiful, in the back of my head I can still hear the moos coming from some stupid kid in the hallway at school. I was bullied very much for my weight as a kid (I'll talk more about that some other time) and it is still something I work at letting go.

Then there is the abuse I have to still tend to. I've been to some really wonderful counselors who've helped me learn how to cope with that and I'm a million times better than I was even just a year ago but it's not an easy thing to recover from. You feel so low and worthless in that situation, like you're in it because you aren't good enough or you did something to warrant it. You get treated as if you're nothing so, after months of having that shoved into your psyche, you begin to wonder if you are truly nothing.

I remember when I finally gathered the strength to get myself out of that situation, I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone about it for over a year. At first it was just too fresh and I couldn't say the actual words and acknowledge it. I felt that if I didn't talk about it, maybe I could pretend it didn't happen. That I was fine. Then when I finally decided I needed to talk to someone and get help, I was actually embarrassed and ashamed. That makes me sad now to look back on. Why should I have been ashamed? It wasn't my actions that caused it, it was something evil within him. It wasn't my fault. But at the time I felt like damaged goods. It's an awful thing to question your own worth because of something someone else did or said. That's the biggest obstacle I've had to overcome in learning how to get past what happened. Remembering my own value. So when my friend pointed out that after all this time I still don't believe that I deserve good things, it opened up that floodgate and made me realize that I still struggle with feeling damaged.

But let me say this... to myself and to anyone who's ever been bullied, mocked, abused, or undervalued. We are worth SO much! I know it's hard sometimes because, no matter how much we try not to, we do care about what others think of us. But when it comes to chasing our dreams, we have to find a way to let go of the past and focus on the future. How can we see where we're going if we're constantly looking back? If we continue to believe that we're not worth the good that can come of this journey, we'll keep slipping back into emotional eating and we will undoubtedly waste so much precious time.

I have to remember the beauty and qualities within myself that I love and make me feel amazing. I know that I'm strong and I can do this. I know that this is my year because I'm CHOOSING to make it so. And above all, I do (just as we all do) deserve all of the wonderful things that life has to offer. That's why God put us on this earth. I will no longer waste it!

Mile Marker 4

Can you believe I've now been at this for 4 months??? WHAT?! Who am I? That's insane to me! Prior to winning the Year of You and getting to be a part of the Biggest Loser family, I had only ever stuck to a "diet" for a few weeks at a time before giving up and going back to eating whatever I wanted. Now, I've been at this lifestyle change steadily for 4 entire months! I am the most proud of myself that I've ever been and beyond thrilled with my progress!

So March was the month of the plateau, April was the month of the yo-yo, and hallelujah, praise Jehovah, May was the month of the MELT! I was shocked by how quickly things just started moving. For last month's update I had missed my goal by 3 pounds. Two days later, for whatever reason, those 3 pounds were gone and never to be seen again! I'm not sure what exactly kicked into gear for the month but I think it must have to do with the kickboxing.

Holy cow, my friends. If you have ever wanted an amazing workout that targets all areas of your body and is fun, kickboxing is the way to go. I've absolutely loved my time so far with AmeriKick, learning how to put all of my energy into an hour long, intense cardio session. The workout is done in circuits so you only have to do things for 3 minutes max. So if I don't like a certain circuit, all I have to do is give it my best for a few minutes and then I get to move on. I know it's cliche but it's so true that we can do anything for 3 minutes. Seriously... we can. I've found that it's those circuits that I don't like that actually fuel me to push harder. I just want to get it over with and I'm mad that I'm doing it so I punch and kick as hard as I possibly can to finish it up quickly! It really works. And if you recall from one of my first blog posts, one of the items in my reverse bucket list was to throw a solid, strong punch. As of this past Thursday, I can now say that I have a killer right hook. So go ahead and check yes to that!

In other news, last night I went to see my favorite group, Starkid, in concert. It was a BLAST and I stood and jumped and danced for six hours. Talk about a workout but it was absolutely worth it. So much fun! But the best part was when I decided to get a tank top as a souvenir. My friend and I went to the merchandise counter and were looking at what they had. I nervously asked if I could see the sizes because I haven't bought shirts in quite awhile now. Not in the last few months anyway. So the cashier held up the sizes of Large and X-Large for me to look at. I will admit to you all that in the past six years, I have almost always worn a XX-Large. I don't know why but this time I felt the need to just see if I could fit into a smaller one. When the girl held up both of the sizes for me to see, I was overcome with this courage that I can't remember ever having before. With determination in my heart, I said "I'll take the large". And with that my fate was sealed. I'd get home and will that size large to fit and if it didn't, then in July I'd try again. It was one of the bolder decisions I've made on this journey but I felt empowered.

So this morning when I got up for my weigh-in, I put on the size large Starkid tank top. And wouldn't you know it... IT FITS!!! I'M OFFICIALLY WEARING SMALLER SIZED CLOTHES! I just wanted to jump and run out into the streets of my neighborhood yelling "Look at my body!"... but that probably wouldn't have made many friends with the neighbors. Or maybe it would... I don't know their ways. But the point is, I was just ecstatic and I'm still kind of reeling from the rush of knowing that I'm 2 sizes down from where I was in January of this year. I can't believe it!

Before I share the official weigh-in of the month, I wanted to do a quick re-cap of the progress. So here's how the months have gone so far:
December- 304 lbs
January-296 lbs
February- 288 lbs
March- 277 lbs
April- 270 lbs

Pretty crazy, huh? It shocks me when I stack up the numbers like that with what I have accomplished. Now, I'm ready to add May to that list. Here we go!
May 2nd: 270 lbs
June 2nd: 260 lbs


That is 10 pounds lost for the month of May!!! That makes a total of 44 pounds down so far! WOO HOO!!! How exciting is that? In just a few weeks, I'll be down 50 pounds from my heaviest. That's nuts! If you had told me back in January that this is where I'd be today, I would've cried because I wouldn't have been able to believe you. It's just astounding what we can do if we push ourselves out of our comfort zones and really commit to leading healthier lifestyles. Anyone can do this! All it takes is the first step to eating the right kind of foods and knowing that you need to nourish your body, instead of punishing it. If I can make this change, a serious food addict with a major laziness problem, anyone can do it. Trust. It works!

For the month of June I'm shooting for an 8 lb loss. I had a big month so I need to make sure and set realistic, attainable goals. So by July 2nd, I should be at 252 lbs. That's the goal! I'm gonna make it happen.

And as another bonus... photo time! I wasn't able to take the weekly loss pictures because I was out of town a lot of the month BUT I can share some new clothing photos. Here ya go! The first is of my new smaller sized tank top. I'm in love with it. I may never take it off!

And this next one is of a dress I wore the other day. I bought it two years ago and couldn't wear it because I was too self-conscious. It fit way too tightly and I didn't like the way it made my hips look. So now, two years later, I decided to give it another try. Not only does it fit now, it's a little baggy! I love that!

I'm still a little self-conscious about my arms so showing these is another move of bravery for me. Thanks so, so much to everyone who's been encouraging and supporting me. One of my favorite things about doing this is getting messages and texts from people saying that I'm helping them and my putting all of this out there is giving them motivation to do it too. I absolutely love that. Seriously you guys, keep it up! You bring so much joy into my life when I hear that! Y'all are wonderful and together, we can all make this the year of us. Thanks for the amazing support! I love you!