I've been struggling the last few weeks and it has not been the easiest time for me to handle my emotional eating addiction. It generally shows when I'm struggling because I don't update my blog or page as frequently. So here I am... pouring out my feelings here... trying to get my motivation back. This is the hardest it's been for me in the 4 months I've been at it. I think that in dealing with all of the things that are going on in my life, it's just easier to slip back into old habits. There are a lot of changes happening and I've never been good with change.
1) I moved out of my apartment and am living with my parents for a few months to save money. I'm not sure where I'll be headed at the end of the summer but I knew that if I wanted to make a bigger move soon, I'd have to put something into my savings first. I couldn't afford that without my full-time job, since school let out. Being back with my parents is... different. Don't get me wrong, I love them both so much and it's nice to have people taking care of me. But I think that's the problem. When I'm here, I slip back into "kid" mode. It's just what naturally happens. I take less responsibility for myself and I find myself getting lazy which is the biggest motivation killer.
2) School ended. I miss my students. I miss my co-workers. I miss being on my feet for the majority of the day and not even thinking about it because I'm focused on my work. It was easy to shed pounds there because I was continually moving and I had a certain amount of time to eat, so meals were easier. When school let out, I thought 'This will be perfect because I'll have a good amount of time during the day where I can focus on exercise'. But it hasn't panned out that way so far. I'm tired much of the time and that's another motivation killer.
3) Drama. I'm letting other peoples' issues stress me out. When I began this journey, I made very specific guidelines about what and who I would allow to affect me. Negativity and stress were not invited to the party but like they tend to do... they crashed in anyway. I have to remember that this is MY year. I can't afford to be spending time with people who are going to make me lose focus. Maybe that's selfish but if it is, it's the first time in my life that I'm doing what's best for me and actually taking care of myself. This is something that I not only want... I need. If I don't take advantage of this time and opportunity, when will I ever do it? 2012 HAS to be my year. That's just the way it is.
4) Uncertainty. My future is really up in the air right now. I'm torn between my head and my heart on what the next steps are for me. My head wants me to do what is practical and good for me in the long run but my heart wants what will make me happy now. And I'm getting great advice to back up both sides! Some people say that since it's my year I should take the full time to just be still and get everything together before making any more changes. Others say that I'm young and should use this time to take risks and follow my heart. I believe both are true... so which do I follow? This is where my emotional eating really comes into play. I'm almost constantly feeling conflicted and my need to figure it out is becoming stressful. My reaction to the stress is to eat so I can feel those few minutes of comfort. I'm losing my grip and I need to get a better hold.
With all of that swirling around in my head, I'm definitely struggling to keep moving forward. I experienced my first real gain of the journey. Not anything that I can't bounce back from but it's still shaking me. So tonight, I'm renewing my vows. To the journey and to myself. I made a list of the reasons why I want and need this and I'm trying my best to remind myself of those over and over whenever I'm feeling the urge to abandon ship. That's not an option!!!
So I keep my list, I focus on what makes me happy, and I remember that every road has its bumps. I knew when I began that it would be the hardest thing I ever do. I signed up, ready to take it on and I need to woman up and conquer this obstacle. If this is the first real time that I'm stalled, then I count myself lucky. I can do this. Being healthy is what I've always wanted most in my life. Everything else can wait.
Starting now, I've got my fighter spirit back.
Keep your head up, anytime we work at something for a long time we will always hit plateaus, but continuing to push is how we get past them. Remember at the end of the day the only person you have to answer to is God and He already loves you, so don't let others drag you down. People that are miserable always want others that way so they don't feel as shitty about themselves. Push those people to the side and only associate with those looking to help you up when you're down. Remember it always seems darkest before the dawn.
ReplyDelete---jason