And the Clouds Begin to Clear

What keeps us addicted to emotional eating? I haven't completely found the answer yet. There are so many inner-demons I've had to face in embarking on this journey. Fears, negativity, bad decisions, and memories. They all come back to haunt me whenever they find an opening into my thoughts. If for one second I let something slip through my positive barrier, a whole flood of emotion washes over me and my first reaction isn't to go cry. It's not to talk to someone and ask for help. It's food.

I was talking to one of my best friends recently about a guy I met a few weeks ago. I was telling her how awesome he seemed and all of the good things I thought about him. My sister is totally rolling her eyes right now, ha ha. Whatever, back to my story. After I told her the basics, I did what girls do best and analyzed every detail of the day to see if maybe he'd been interested in me as well. She thought so but rather than smile and agree with her, I began to come up with reasons why he'd never go for me. It wasn't that I was trying to put myself down, because I wasn't. I really do think I have a lot to offer and when I finally meet that right person, I think he'll be a lucky guy because I plan to be the world's coolest wife! So everything I was telling her about why I couldn't pursue this interest wasn't coming from a "woe was me" place. I was just trying to talk myself out of it. I was forcing my brain to overrule anything else because I didn't want to hope that I'd someday get to know this great guy.

After going round in circles about this for awhile, my wise and wonderful friend stopped and said... "Your problem is that you still don't believe that you deserve good things."

Well, color me shocked.

At first I was so taken aback by that, that I couldn't respond. I just sat there with my jaw dropped, letting those words soak in. I don't believe that I deserve good things. Wow.... Revelation. And the thing is... she was absolutely right! I just never realized it until someone practically slapped me in the face with it. How had I not noticed this before? And what does it mean? So I thought about it.

It's so strange to explain why I feel this way because it's not like I'm mad at myself. I mean, I haven't really done anything that bad in my life that would make me think I didn't deserve happiness. I try my hardest to be a good, honest, and caring person. I'm not perfect by any means but I try to live a life for Christ, in spite of being my liberal, tattooed, and cynical self. So why would I think that? After much soul-searching, the answer I came up with is that I had allowed my past to get under my skin. I've unknowingly let it soak into my system in a way that it creeps into my subconscious and just wreaks havoc.

There are times that I dwell on things people said, even though it was YEARS ago. I sit there and hear all of the hurtful insults over, and over again. When it happens so often in your younger years, it kind of becomes ingrained in your mind. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm beautiful, in the back of my head I can still hear the moos coming from some stupid kid in the hallway at school. I was bullied very much for my weight as a kid (I'll talk more about that some other time) and it is still something I work at letting go.

Then there is the abuse I have to still tend to. I've been to some really wonderful counselors who've helped me learn how to cope with that and I'm a million times better than I was even just a year ago but it's not an easy thing to recover from. You feel so low and worthless in that situation, like you're in it because you aren't good enough or you did something to warrant it. You get treated as if you're nothing so, after months of having that shoved into your psyche, you begin to wonder if you are truly nothing.

I remember when I finally gathered the strength to get myself out of that situation, I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone about it for over a year. At first it was just too fresh and I couldn't say the actual words and acknowledge it. I felt that if I didn't talk about it, maybe I could pretend it didn't happen. That I was fine. Then when I finally decided I needed to talk to someone and get help, I was actually embarrassed and ashamed. That makes me sad now to look back on. Why should I have been ashamed? It wasn't my actions that caused it, it was something evil within him. It wasn't my fault. But at the time I felt like damaged goods. It's an awful thing to question your own worth because of something someone else did or said. That's the biggest obstacle I've had to overcome in learning how to get past what happened. Remembering my own value. So when my friend pointed out that after all this time I still don't believe that I deserve good things, it opened up that floodgate and made me realize that I still struggle with feeling damaged.

But let me say this... to myself and to anyone who's ever been bullied, mocked, abused, or undervalued. We are worth SO much! I know it's hard sometimes because, no matter how much we try not to, we do care about what others think of us. But when it comes to chasing our dreams, we have to find a way to let go of the past and focus on the future. How can we see where we're going if we're constantly looking back? If we continue to believe that we're not worth the good that can come of this journey, we'll keep slipping back into emotional eating and we will undoubtedly waste so much precious time.

I have to remember the beauty and qualities within myself that I love and make me feel amazing. I know that I'm strong and I can do this. I know that this is my year because I'm CHOOSING to make it so. And above all, I do (just as we all do) deserve all of the wonderful things that life has to offer. That's why God put us on this earth. I will no longer waste it!