In Need of Some Steam

I don't know what's been going on lately but I just cannot seem to keep this motivation going at full power! The good news is that when I cheat, I don't throw away the rest of my day. I continue to make my decisions as they come and conquer cravings as best I can. The bad news is that my energy for exercise and ability to power through when I'm feeling the need to stress-eat is lacking. No matter what I try, I can't seem to pick up that steam to full speed again from where it was.

I need help.

When I first started this journey and was doing SO well, I would frequently look to certain things for support. One of the best was the list I kept of people who voted for me during the Biggest Loser contest. In the span of two weeks, over 300 of my personal friends took the time to vote for me to change my life. Many of them even went beyond that and got tons of their friends to vote, most of whom having no idea who I was. Then there were the random acts of kind voters who just stumbled across my story and decided to support me. It's those votes that pushed me to start this process and kept me going! Knowing people were cheering for me not only provided motivation, it provided accountability. Something I desperately need.

So here's what I'd like to step out on a limb and ask of you who have been so encouraging. Wherever you read this from (whether you know me and are on my facebook pages or twitter, or if you just stumbled upon this blog by happenstance) I'd greatly appreciate this favor. If you could take a quick second and help remind me why I'm fighting for this, I think it'd really give me a boost. It's kind of awkward to ask for this kind of help from people and its taking me another step out of my comfort zone to admit that I need that extra shove but... here we are. So whatever you feel like doing- posting a smiley face in the comments, liking a status, tweeting something, or leaving an uplifting message- please go for it!

The greatest blessing I could've ever asked for has been having such wonderful people in my life to ensure that I succeed in this goal. Thank you all so much for following my journey and being such an integral part of it. This year is not just for me but for all of you. Love you guys :-)

I Remember This Road...

Something that people may not know about me is that I'm a dancer. A few months ago I would've said that I WAS a dancer but now, I'm beginning to say it again. I AM a dancer. When I first auditioned for the Biggest Loser, they asked me what my reason was for wanting to lose weight. I listed off several important reasons why but got choked up when I got to the point where I said, "I just want to dance again".

I took my first ballet class when I was three and instantly fell in love. I can still remember the day I got my first recital costume. I was a little mouse with a pink, sequined tutu and it was my favorite outfit of all time. I think I knew even then that dance was my chosen form of expression and that it'd be a huge part of my life. As I continued to grow and take more and more classes, I became obsessed. By the time I was 13 I was spending so much time in rehearsals and competitions that it was pretty much the only thing I did. I lived, breathed, ate, and slept dance. At one point my mom even found me sleep-walking in the living room, practicing the night before a competition. So when I'd say that I could do the dance routines in my sleep, it was a completely true statement!

When I was 14, I tried out for the high school dance team. I'd grown up in our town watching them perform, knowing that I wanted to be out there with them someday. The first morning of tryouts, I went to the coach and sat down with her to talk. At that point I'd already been struggling with my weight for about six years and though I was in shape, I was bigger than the other girls. I asked her if I even stood a chance at making the squad because I wasn't sure I'd fit the uniforms. She smiled at me, so kindly, and said "If you're good enough to make this team, we'll order the right size for you. Don't worry about the uniforms, just dance."

That's exactly what I did and a few days later when the list was posted, I was shocked and thrilled to find out that I had made the team. I was one of only three incoming freshmen to make it. It's been over 10 years and I can still remember how I felt at that moment. It was one of the best of my life, knowing that the coaches believed in me and thought that I was good enough and worth the extra effort they'd have to put into working with me. It was and still is an incredible gift. I danced on the team with so much joy that first year and loved every second of it. The girls became like sisters and though we didn't always agree, we stuck together and supported each other through everything. It was the best year.

Unfortunately, for me, things changed. The second year, my coach had to move away and leave us. I was crushed. This woman who'd given me so much and helped me grow was no longer there to keep us together. We got a new coach and all of the sudden things were completely different. She wanted a top-notch, competitive team that she could take to nationals and began training us with that mindset. We switched from afternoon practices to mornings where the primary focus became about conditioning and whipping us all into shape. If we were going to be at the level she expected us to get to, there could be no slacking. Girls began dropping left and right. People cracked under the pressure. But the one who cracked the most... was me.

See, although our new coach was great at what she did, for me it was no longer fun. All of a sudden, I was hyper-aware of my weight and how it affected my dancing. I looked around at the new team and felt out of place and unwanted. The dancing became less like expression and more like work. I had to sacrifice other school commitments because I was so focused on trying to keep up. I slipped into depression and had no idea, at 15 years old, what was going on around me. I started blacking out at practices, stopped eating because I was stressed out over my weight, and couldn't concentrate at school so I began failing classes. Things were just not okay and I didn't understand why. So I did something that I wish I hadn't but at the time made the most sense. I walked away. I took a "sick leave" of sorts from the team and sat out of competition season. I thought that if I stayed, I'd bring the team down and make them look bad so I chose to sit and watch. That's when the binge and emotional eating really began.

By the time I came back to the team, I'd done a lot of damage to my body and it was very apparent that they were all at higher levels than I was. So when tryouts for my third year came around, I was cut. I was no longer a part of the team. That stung.... hard. The morning after the list went up and I learned that my time was done, I had to go to practice and teach a routine for our spring show. I remember fighting tears through the entire rehearsal, knowing that my teammates were disappointed in me. Knowing that I was disappointed in myself. One of the assistant coaches, who'd been there for both years and seen me at my best and worse, pulled me aside afterwards and told me exactly how she felt about the situation. She said that she understood what I'd been going through and she was proud of me. In spite of poor choices that I'd made, she still believed in me. I remember her begging me to not give up and let my passion fade but I was so upset that I didn't listen. My spirit felt a little broken.

After that, the weight gain became a serious problem. I continued to dance but only when it was for theatre and choir, never competitively again and never for self-expression as I had. In college, I had a similar experience happen again where I had to audition for the dancing ensemble in the musical every year. Each year I was kept until the end of the auditions, never cut, but was never put in the dancing ensemble. That too was something that just killed. It kept the pain of what I'd done to myself fresh in my mind. I felt completely lost with no way of getting back to where I'd been. At that point my weight had gotten so out of control that it was just torture watching others do what I so desperately wanted to but couldn't.

Now, fast forward to today. Over the past few years I've realized that I cannot go on living without dance in my life. It is truly one of my strongest passions so I found ways to get it back. I began to teach. Though it's not exactly as it was before, it's slowly worked its way back into my life and now is something I do regularly. I'm even blessed enough to have dancers who let me choreograph for them which is my greatest form of therapy. Though I'm making all of this progress... I'm still not quite there yet.

This journey to health is about so much more than my weight. It's about physical strength, absolutely, but it's also about emotional strength. The fact is that I need to be dancing again to be truly healthy. At the end of this process, I want to be so strong that I can begin auditioning as a dancer. I want to continue to choreograph but FINALLY be able to dance in my own pieces! That's something that's been missing for far too long and as I continue to move forward to a brighter future, that goal is another that I'm striving towards. Each day that I get stronger is another step closer to being a better version of the girl I once was and have been trying to find for so long. I feel it coming back.

I've got a dance that will be 6 months in the making. But it's the dance of my life and I can't wait to share it.

Mile Marker 5

There's no avoiding the total honesty this month guys. I screwed up. I had no idea when I relapsed a few weeks ago just how hard it was going to hit my progress. I thought that I could do whatever I wanted for a couple of days and it wouldn't affect me. I thought, and people kept telling me, that I'd earned it. What I didn't know when I went off the rails on a crazy train was that not only was I putting a few pounds back on and counteracting my success, I was also losing all of that progress I'd made in my exercise stamina. I became a big ol' blob of laziness and didn't care anymore. I lost my motivation and was standing at the edge, ready to jump. Why was that?


In keeping with my honesty, I guess it's time to admit something else that I struggle with. Something I'm sure most addicts struggle with. Anxiety. It's something I inherited and have dealt with it since I was a teenager. It's hard to describe how it affects me except that it comes out of nowhere and knocks me out with a full force. Most of the time, I can handle it and it doesn't generally affect my day to day life or personality which is a huge step up from where I used to be. In fact, I've gotten such a grip on it over time that it only really gets me maybe once or twice a year. But when something triggers that anxiety, it hits me like a tidal wave. It surges through my brain and there's no escaping the inner-destruction that inevitably follows. Then there's no telling when I'll get back to being myself again.


So around the end of May, the trigger was pulled. I don't know for sure what caused it but my best guess is all of the change, which I've mentioned before in previous blogs. All at once it seemed that every constant around me completely changed. I didn't know how to handle it and I was thrown into some kind of crazy tail spin that I couldn't control. Instead of trusting that everything would work out, I did what I do best. I ran.


Obviously, I'm not talking about physical running. If I were, we'd be having a very different conversation about my progress this month. What I mean is that I mentally checked out. Was I still able to laugh and pretend that everything was normal? Sure! Sometimes even better than normal. I'm very well-rehearsed in pretending. I even have a degree in theatre to prove it! By masking all of that anxiety, I was able to retreat into the deepest parts of my brain where I could stop caring. I didn't care what I ate, how it affected me, how it made me feel, or the consequences I'd have to face for those actions. I chose to shut myself away and hold on to whatever made me feel good. Which, of course, was food.


So then came the rollercoaster. Gain, drop, gain, drop, happy, sad, motivated, unmotivated, hopeful, doubtful, brave, terrified. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach the ejector button to get myself off the dang ride! I could feel myself falling deeper into the dive but everything I did to get myself turned around would just result in more anxiety because I didn't have control. And that, if you know me well, is what scares me most. On the few times a year that I experience this, I usually find that it's because I'm lacking something. This time it was trust. Trust in myself that I can be strong in what I'm doing and trust in God that He has got everything taken care of for me.


As I was realizing this, two things clicked into place. The first was a text from my friend Allison that read "Not once in the Bible does it say 'Figure it out'. But over and over it says 'Trust God'. He's already got it figured out". Well... little did Allison know when she sent me that, that it was exactly what I needed a reminder of. I'd been praying so much about the next steps in my life and thinking I'd allowed God to lead but in actuality I was still fighting to have some control. I'm not good at letting go. I'm not good at turning my brain off and believing that what's supposed to happen will come in its own time. I needed confirmation and I wasn't fully getting it. And that all comes back to trust.


The second thing that happened came when I was introduced to a new song. It's strange because at first I was just listening to hear the vocals. But then, something about the lyrics struck a chord with me. They said, "You are peace when my fear is crippling. You are true even in my wandering. You are joy. You're the reason that I sing. You are life. Even death has lost its sting. And oh, I'm running to Your arms. The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace. Light of the world, forever reign. You are more than my words will ever say. You are Lord, all creation will proclaim. You are here. In your presence I'm made whole. You are God, of all else I'm letting go."


Those words really pierced through the fear and brought me back. I'll be honest that my faith isn't always what I wish it would be. I always love God and know that I owe my blessings to Him but I'm one of those people that has a hard time finding the connection. My way of relating to God is when I sing or dance to worship and I've been missing that connection. I needed to find it again. As I listened to that song, I felt that bond re-form and it seemed like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I went to sleep repeating those words to myself and woke up SO refreshed! Seriously, this morning felt like my slate had been wiped clean. I was back to that moment on January 31st, on the phone with the Biggest Loser Resort, hearing that I'd been given a second chance at life! It reminded me of how truly motivated I am and dug it out from within. Now I feel ready to attack and continue chasing this dream. Chase it until I've poured everything I have into it!


At this point, you may be wondering what any of this has to do with my weight loss. Friends, it has EVERYTHING to do with it! Like I've talked about before, I needed the reminder that I deserve good things. I deserve this chance to change my life. How can I be physically healthy if I'm not healthy in all other aspects? The reason I write these blogs is to chronicle my journey and recovery from addiction. Last month was a major relapse in all senses of the word and I had to crawl my way back out. I'd slipped so far down that I truly needed some divine intervention to get up to the top again. And thankfully I've gotten there!


The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was work out because I actually wanted to! I had a healthy breakfast because I craved something nourishing. Then I prayed. And prayed. And continued praying because I needed replenishing. I know not all of my friends or readers believe in God and that's okay! I'm not trying to gush or slam anyone in the face with my spirituality. I'm simply being honest about what works for me and what's best to maintain this progress. My faith is one of the biggest factors of who I am and what keeps me going. I need to have it in place in order to be successful. Today I finally feel complete. I feel like the girl who started this thing and is absolutely determined to finish strong!


So all of that back story for the month of June leads me to the overall purpose of the blog. The update. Now don't get crazy on me y'all... but here's how it turned out.
June 2nd: 260 lbs
July 1st: 259 lbs


But before you get bummed for me, lemme break this down real quick! It may look like I only lost a pound this month, yes. You don't have to be a rocket scientist, math wiz, or rainman to see that those are the actual stats. But when I went off course, I gained all the way back to 267 pounds! YIKES BIKES! With the weight I kept putting back on and taking off, I actually lost a total of 8 pounds this month, which IS average for me on this journey. And you know what? I'm so proud of that! The fact that I went through all of that craziness and STILL managed to come out of the month with any kind of loss is a medical miracle! That's the moment when you drop to your knees, kiss the ground, and eat a big old slice of (healthy) humble pie.


However... July is going to be different. I can feel it! Just call me Stella because I've got my groove back and I'm ready to fight for this. So here's what's going to happen. This month I'm going to defy the odds. I'm going to stay dedicated, keep my head down, and focus so that I can reach this next goal. I want to see if I can get myself back on schedule so I'm shooting for.... 12 pounds!


Goal:
July 1st: 259 lbs
August 1st: 247 lbs


Can I do it? Is it possible? Will I defy all the odds and achieve this goal? Well... guess you'll have to stay tuned and find out :-)

Not Breaking This Fast

"When you lose all of your weight, you're going to be so gorgeous"... "Guys are going to fall at your feet when you lose all your weight".... "You are going to be turning down dates right and left once you've lost the weight".

I hear variations of this all the time. People can't wait to see what my love life will look like once I've attained this lifelong goal and how I'll be different. They believe that as soon as I come back from the Resort, I will suddenly be swarmed with men clamoring for my attention and begging for my hand in marriage. This is every girl's dream, they say. But... is it? Oh right, because when Prince Charming slipped the shoe onto Cinderella's foot he actually said "It's okay that you're a peasant in rags. I'm just glad you're not fat". The original storyteller must've forgotten to include that line.

I understand what people really mean when they say things like that. They just mean that I'll finally be confident and feeling beautiful within myself and that will be attractive. It'll make me shine and catch men's attention. This is so true and I already feel a million times more confident than I did back in February, which HAS in fact gotten me a little more attention than I'm used to. Is it nice to be admired? Sure! Is it nice to be complimented? Absolutely! But this is why I put my "Boy Fast" rule into place. I do not want to even consider dating while I'm focused on becoming healthy because I need to be sure that I do love myself first before I open up that door.

To be honest, I'm terrified of what will happen after I've reached my goal! I don't want guys who've known me forever to all the sudden call and ask me out. That would be weird! I've already learned how to relate to guys as just friends, I think it'd freak me out to have a man I've looked at as a brother change and begin to show interest. This is something that a few of my friends who've lost weight have pointed out to me. My brain has 24 years of obesity wired into it. I live my life as a girl who's had a thousand guy best friends and very few boyfriends, most of whom were not very kind. My primary focus when I meet new men is and will probably always be friendship because that is just what I've come to expect. And that's what's important.
I also have the fear that when I reach that goal line, I'll always have that as something to talk about with men. If I'm in a relationship that's starting to become serious, I WILL have to have an addict's talk with him and let him know 'Hey, I've struggled with food addiction and weight gain my whole life. I fought my way out of it but it's very likely that I could relapse. It will continue to be a lifelong battle. Are you okay with that?'... I don't want to have to have that talk. So even though I am being very strict and staying out of the dating or flirting scenes right now, part of me IS praying that I meet someone before. I want to be sure that the guy I'm with loves me for myself, personality and looks, just as I am now. So I'm conflicted!

Anyway... I know this is one of my more random blog topics but it's something that has been weighing on me the past few days. I guess the bottom line is, God already has this taken care of for me so I need to just let that worry go. Whoever He brings into my life, whether it be pre-weightloss or post-weightloss, will be the perfect one for me. Someone who appreciates me in all of my forms and is happy to talk to me when I'm having my crazy moments like this, ha ha.

When it all comes down to it, I'm confident in myself and what I have to offer. That's all that matters.

Who's Driving This Thing?

I was out with a big group last night and someone offered me fries. I said "No, thank you" and he kept trying to push me to eat some. Only me. Why is that? One of my friends eventually explained to him what I'm working towards and why I did not care to have any fries and the guy said "Well, if you're going to the Biggest Loser Resort, why are you even trying to lose weight now? This is an awesome opportunity to eat whatever you want!" I just laughed and told him that I'd like to not die before my month comes around.

You'd be shocked to know how often I'm told that exact thing when people find out about my Year of You. That I should take the time until December to just indulge and have fun since the BLR will help me work it off. While I understand their thought process, I can't help but think that the answer is obvious. Why would I want the resort to help me take weight BACK off that I didn't have to begin with? Why would I waste my month there by losing what I shouldn't have put on anyway? Then I'd just be right where I am now and no further down.

I think people assume that I'm guaranteed to lose all of my weight while at the resort. Like I'll magically go from whatever size I turn out as on December 2nd to 160 pounds in just a month. I wish it were that easy but no, friends... it's not humanly possible! If it were, I would absolutely be indulging in whatever I wanted without regards to my future but as it is, I want to be at my goal weight by January! So I have no choice but to start now and it actually makes me happy that I'm doing it mostly on my own. I'm so much stronger because of that and when I finish this year, I will have such a great sense of pride since I fought for it. All year long, I fought for what I wanted most.

When I first won the contest and found out that I was going to be the last person to go, of course I was a little bit bummed. I'd been so motivated to go out and take on the 7 hour exercise days that when Amanda said December, I just thought 'Aw man... I have to wait almost a year to get started'. Then there were the people who were upset for me saying how horrible it was that I had to wait, how I should call back and complain, that I should demand an earlier month, and it's not fair that I have to go last. It was actually those people, speaking out in frustration for me, that made me realize what a gift I'd been given. Going last is not a curse! Far from it! I don't have to wait to get started and it's actually been a huge blessing.

See, most of the other 10 winners got the gift of a kick start. They get to go earlier, so they have the opportunity to learn first, lose a good chunk to begin with, and then take what they learned home. Not so different from contestants on the regular show. That's a great blessing to them but then they do have to go home and finish on their own, figuring out how to make the continued progress work into their lives. Those of us that are going towards the end of the year got the gift of the final push. We all got the amazing opportunity to watch the others go enjoy their months. We get to learn from their struggles, see what it takes to survive a month out there, and even hear the great tips they're getting that can help us while we're fighting for it at home. Then once we get out there, whatever we've lost prior to going is a huge bonus! Because it's likely that we will all definitely be close to our goal weight by January. I have the motivation of knowing my month is waiting for me and it keeps me pushing forward. It keeps me going!

For me, the problem has never been starting. When I get it in my mind to start a diet or a new meal plan, I'm generally excited and think 'Yeah! This time it's going to work. This new weight loss fad is really going to help me do it this time!'... fast forward two weeks and I'm sitting on the couch, eating an entire package of Oreos and ordering pizza, already given up on it. Nothing ever stuck. My problem has always been keeping the motivation and energy up to continue. So I don't know how the resort decided what order we go in or why but I think that God had a hand in it. He shuffled the deck in my favor and knew that going last was the best thing for me because it IS my time to complete this lifelong goal. I didn't need the kick start, I needed the final push. That's what I've been given!

So please don't be offended if over the next five months, I don't indulge the way I could. I'd love to eat fries all the time with my friends but the truth is... I don't feel the need to anymore. Knowing where I'll be in January if I keep working on it now is the light at the end of this long tunnel, constantly drawing me forward. I may slow down at times, I may stumble along the way, but I will always get back up and keep moving towards that light. All you need is that reminder of why you're chasing your dream. Having that in mind has made all the difference.

Before I go, I do have a quick story from when I took a few crazy days off last week. I fell of the wagon hard! Thankfully, I got back up and the weight I gained is now gone again but I had some serious food addict relapsing issues. Here's what happened:
(I was driving home from a friend's house and REALLY craving, fighting the urge to go to the drive-thru. So I called my mom for support. No answer. I come home later with a bag of take-out)
Me: I did something bad
Mom: Why'd you do that?
Me: I called you to talk me home so I didn't go crazy but you didn't answer! So I took it as a sign that I should get food
Mom: You could've called someone else!
Me: Well, I thought about calling Tracy but I knew the odds of her giving in and telling me I could go ahead and eat it were not looking good

:-) My poor mom. Now she knows my secret and the next time the addict in me decides to go a little nuts, mom will conference call in my drill sergeant sister! But hey... ya gotta do what ya gotta do to keep me in check!

Who Stole My Compass?

I've been struggling the last few weeks and it has not been the easiest time for me to handle my emotional eating addiction. It generally shows when I'm struggling because I don't update my blog or page as frequently. So here I am... pouring out my feelings here... trying to get my motivation back. This is the hardest it's been for me in the 4 months I've been at it. I think that in dealing with all of the things that are going on in my life, it's just easier to slip back into old habits. There are a lot of changes happening and I've never been good with change.

1) I moved out of my apartment and am living with my parents for a few months to save money. I'm not sure where I'll be headed at the end of the summer but I knew that if I wanted to make a bigger move soon, I'd have to put something into my savings first. I couldn't afford that without my full-time job, since school let out. Being back with my parents is... different. Don't get me wrong, I love them both so much and it's nice to have people taking care of me. But I think that's the problem. When I'm here, I slip back into "kid" mode. It's just what naturally happens. I take less responsibility for myself and I find myself getting lazy which is the biggest motivation killer.

2) School ended. I miss my students. I miss my co-workers. I miss being on my feet for the majority of the day and not even thinking about it because I'm focused on my work. It was easy to shed pounds there because I was continually moving and I had a certain amount of time to eat, so meals were easier. When school let out, I thought 'This will be perfect because I'll have a good amount of time during the day where I can focus on exercise'. But it hasn't panned out that way so far. I'm tired much of the time and that's another motivation killer.

3) Drama. I'm letting other peoples' issues stress me out. When I began this journey, I made very specific guidelines about what and who I would allow to affect me. Negativity and stress were not invited  to the party but like they tend to do... they crashed in anyway. I have to remember that this is MY year. I can't afford to be spending time with people who are going to make me lose focus. Maybe that's selfish but if it is, it's the first time in my life that I'm doing what's best for me and actually taking care of myself. This is something that I not only want... I need. If I don't take advantage of this time and opportunity, when will I ever do it? 2012 HAS to be my year. That's just the way it is.

4) Uncertainty. My future is really up in the air right now. I'm torn between my head and my heart on what the next steps are for me. My head wants me to do what is practical and good for me in the long run but my heart wants what will make me happy now. And I'm getting great advice to back up both sides! Some people say that since it's my year I should take the full time to just be still and get everything together before making any more changes. Others say that I'm young and should use this time to take risks and follow my heart. I believe both are true... so which do I follow? This is where my emotional eating really comes into play. I'm almost constantly feeling conflicted and my need to figure it out is becoming stressful. My reaction to the stress is to eat so I can feel those few minutes of comfort. I'm losing my grip and I need to get a better hold.

With all of that swirling around in my head, I'm definitely struggling to keep moving forward. I experienced my first real gain of the journey. Not anything that I can't bounce back from but it's still shaking me. So tonight, I'm renewing my vows. To the journey and to myself. I made a list of the reasons why I want and need this and I'm trying my best to remind myself of those over and over whenever I'm feeling the urge to abandon ship. That's not an option!!!

So I keep my list, I focus on what makes me happy, and I remember that every road has its bumps. I knew when I began that it would be the hardest thing I ever do. I signed up, ready to take it on and I need to woman up and conquer this obstacle. If this is the first real time that I'm stalled, then I count myself lucky. I can do this. Being healthy is what I've always wanted most in my life. Everything else can wait.

Starting now, I've got my fighter spirit back.

And the Clouds Begin to Clear

What keeps us addicted to emotional eating? I haven't completely found the answer yet. There are so many inner-demons I've had to face in embarking on this journey. Fears, negativity, bad decisions, and memories. They all come back to haunt me whenever they find an opening into my thoughts. If for one second I let something slip through my positive barrier, a whole flood of emotion washes over me and my first reaction isn't to go cry. It's not to talk to someone and ask for help. It's food.

I was talking to one of my best friends recently about a guy I met a few weeks ago. I was telling her how awesome he seemed and all of the good things I thought about him. My sister is totally rolling her eyes right now, ha ha. Whatever, back to my story. After I told her the basics, I did what girls do best and analyzed every detail of the day to see if maybe he'd been interested in me as well. She thought so but rather than smile and agree with her, I began to come up with reasons why he'd never go for me. It wasn't that I was trying to put myself down, because I wasn't. I really do think I have a lot to offer and when I finally meet that right person, I think he'll be a lucky guy because I plan to be the world's coolest wife! So everything I was telling her about why I couldn't pursue this interest wasn't coming from a "woe was me" place. I was just trying to talk myself out of it. I was forcing my brain to overrule anything else because I didn't want to hope that I'd someday get to know this great guy.

After going round in circles about this for awhile, my wise and wonderful friend stopped and said... "Your problem is that you still don't believe that you deserve good things."

Well, color me shocked.

At first I was so taken aback by that, that I couldn't respond. I just sat there with my jaw dropped, letting those words soak in. I don't believe that I deserve good things. Wow.... Revelation. And the thing is... she was absolutely right! I just never realized it until someone practically slapped me in the face with it. How had I not noticed this before? And what does it mean? So I thought about it.

It's so strange to explain why I feel this way because it's not like I'm mad at myself. I mean, I haven't really done anything that bad in my life that would make me think I didn't deserve happiness. I try my hardest to be a good, honest, and caring person. I'm not perfect by any means but I try to live a life for Christ, in spite of being my liberal, tattooed, and cynical self. So why would I think that? After much soul-searching, the answer I came up with is that I had allowed my past to get under my skin. I've unknowingly let it soak into my system in a way that it creeps into my subconscious and just wreaks havoc.

There are times that I dwell on things people said, even though it was YEARS ago. I sit there and hear all of the hurtful insults over, and over again. When it happens so often in your younger years, it kind of becomes ingrained in your mind. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm beautiful, in the back of my head I can still hear the moos coming from some stupid kid in the hallway at school. I was bullied very much for my weight as a kid (I'll talk more about that some other time) and it is still something I work at letting go.

Then there is the abuse I have to still tend to. I've been to some really wonderful counselors who've helped me learn how to cope with that and I'm a million times better than I was even just a year ago but it's not an easy thing to recover from. You feel so low and worthless in that situation, like you're in it because you aren't good enough or you did something to warrant it. You get treated as if you're nothing so, after months of having that shoved into your psyche, you begin to wonder if you are truly nothing.

I remember when I finally gathered the strength to get myself out of that situation, I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone about it for over a year. At first it was just too fresh and I couldn't say the actual words and acknowledge it. I felt that if I didn't talk about it, maybe I could pretend it didn't happen. That I was fine. Then when I finally decided I needed to talk to someone and get help, I was actually embarrassed and ashamed. That makes me sad now to look back on. Why should I have been ashamed? It wasn't my actions that caused it, it was something evil within him. It wasn't my fault. But at the time I felt like damaged goods. It's an awful thing to question your own worth because of something someone else did or said. That's the biggest obstacle I've had to overcome in learning how to get past what happened. Remembering my own value. So when my friend pointed out that after all this time I still don't believe that I deserve good things, it opened up that floodgate and made me realize that I still struggle with feeling damaged.

But let me say this... to myself and to anyone who's ever been bullied, mocked, abused, or undervalued. We are worth SO much! I know it's hard sometimes because, no matter how much we try not to, we do care about what others think of us. But when it comes to chasing our dreams, we have to find a way to let go of the past and focus on the future. How can we see where we're going if we're constantly looking back? If we continue to believe that we're not worth the good that can come of this journey, we'll keep slipping back into emotional eating and we will undoubtedly waste so much precious time.

I have to remember the beauty and qualities within myself that I love and make me feel amazing. I know that I'm strong and I can do this. I know that this is my year because I'm CHOOSING to make it so. And above all, I do (just as we all do) deserve all of the wonderful things that life has to offer. That's why God put us on this earth. I will no longer waste it!