Left Kansas to find Dorothy...

I know, I know... of all people to crack a Wizard of Oz joke, I'm the last person most of you would expect. They're so cliche and, being from Kansas, I've heard them my entire life. But in this case it's the truth! Throughout my three weeks here at the Biggest Loser Resort, I've met several amazingly wonderful people who inspire me every day to fight harder and push myself to the limit. Each of them has taught me something new about myself and made me recognize my capabilities but there is one person that stands out above them all as the greatest influence... Dorothy.

Let me tell you a little bit about this incredible woman. She is a hike guide for the BLR... one of the best and most respected in the little army of yellow-jackets we have out here leading us on the trails. She is a former Marine and is basically the most hardcore girl I've ever met. I'm fairly certain she's hiding a Superwoman emblem under her clothes. I've seen her run trails that would make even the strongest men want to cry and push to the top of hills I'd rather die than climb without even breaking a sweat. But she's more than just the baddest chick in existence, she's also the most caring... in the tough love sense of the word.

From day one, Dorothy has been MY hike guide. I know she has a bunch of other people to look after and there are several that she reaches out to the same as she does to me but I think of her as someone sent specifically to help me. On my very first assessment hike, she was by my side the whole way. When I hurt my hip and felt like I couldn't take another step without doubling over in pain, she taught me how to push through. Usually you get different hike guides each day, depending on the trail and your level of experience. TJ, our hike coordinator, makes sure to rotate the guides so that you get to know more of them and they don't get stuck doing the same things over and over. I've hiked with just about all of them at some point or other but for some reason, I've gotten to stay with Dorothy almost every day.

Through the weeks, I've gotten to know her and vice versa. She knows my personality and how hard I'm willing to fight. She's seen me take on each mountain and been there with me, step for step, getting to the top. She's helped me move up from a low level experience van to an upper-intermediate level. On days when I haven't been in her group, I'm always excited to get back to the Resort and tell her how it went because I know that she's genuinely excited for me in becoming stronger. It's a blessing to have someone like that by my side. She makes me better. Always.

Earlier this week, we were out on a trail and I was kind of hanging towards the back of the group. It's not that I was intentionally being slow or taking it easy, I just wasn't in the mood to push as hard as I had been. As we reached the first rest point, she gave me this look... and I knew I was about to be in for it. We took a short break and then headed back out to the trail. As I hung back again to be at the back and take it slow, she stopped and looked around, asking everyone "Where's Kelly? Someone get Kelly". She saw me in the pack and locked in on me. The way a lion does on something it's about to devour. I cringed... knowing she was about to come after me. We met in the middle and she asked if my backpack was secure. I said yes very tentatively. Then she asked the question I'd been dreading... "Are you ready to run?"

NO! I don't RUN... are you crazy?! The only time I run is to chase down the ice-cream truck and I don't hear those magical bells anywhere out here in this valley of death you call a canyon. No ma'am, I will not do it. No... well... maybe... okay, fine... just this once!

Just like that, we started jogging. She kept me going all the way to the top of the hill by saying things like "You're a gazelle!" to make me laugh and having me chase Sarah, one of the other guides. I struggled through it because this was a hill I'd only ever walked before but we passed all the other people in the group and made our way to the front where I stayed for the rest of the hike. From that point on, every hill we hit... we ran. By the third hill, she didn't even have to push me or say anything. I started jogging of my own free will. Now, I can't lie and say that I loved it. Running is not my favorite thing. I'll walk all day long but run? Eh... not so much. But I did feel fantastic after. I knew that I'd just stepped it up even higher than I ever thought possible and I pushed farther than I would have on my own. It was Dorothy's motivation that got me to that point.

On another hike this past week, we went on a trail that I'd done before. I knew exactly how long it would take and I, unfortunately, knew exactly how steep and long the BIG hill would be. It's a killer... a real killer. The first time I did it, I was the last one up. I didn't stop on the incline but I definitely was trudging through so I anticipated it being a similar level of difficulty for the second round. We wound our way through the canyon and with each step that we took towards the main hill, I got more nervous. Finally, we reached the base. I looked up at what felt like was the stairway to my doom and then looked at Dorothy. I shook my head in a way that she knew exactly what I was thinking, which was 'Dear Lord, I'm about to die'. She laughed and said "Did you finish it once?"... I nodded... "Then you can finish it again. Come on, drama"... and she started up the hill. At that point there were a few people in front of me. I knew if I looked at them I'd freak myself out so I put my head down and just focused on the rocks directly ahead of me. I remembered everything Dorothy had taught me up to that point: Get deep breaths, pick a steady pace and you can make it all the way up, look up every ten seconds, take a sip of water everytime the path curves, etc. I focused on the things she always drills into my brain and you know what? Before I knew it, I was at the top. I'd passed everyone else on the hill without knowing it because I was only paying attention to each step. I was the first one up there. I did it.

And that was the last hill of the day... or so I thought. We took a few minutes to rest where Dorothy told me how well she thought I was doing. As we took off towards the end of the hike, I was right next to her at the front. She smiled at me and said "It's like you LIKE hiking now". I laughed, about to tell her otherwise but then I realized, I don't just like hiking. I LOVE hiking. Maybe not so much when I'm hitting those crazy inclines but every hill that I conquer is another mountain moved. It means that I just did what I thought was impossible and that is the best feeling in the world. So I agreed with her... yeah, I really do like hiking now. She smiled at me again, in her sly, Dorothy way, and asked how much energy I had left. Every last bit of me wanted to scream "NONE... I have zero energy left... take me back to the van and let me die!"... but I decided to be honest. I told her I still had some to spare, to which she instantly veered to the left, towards a trail I'd never gone on before.

I looked at where we were headed and it was directly up a rocky bluff. Definitely higher up than I'd ever been on any of my hikes thus far. I wanted to stop and turn around but at that point, an entire group was following me. Dorothy had something in mind for all of us and she was gauging whether or not the rest of the group was ready based on my energy level. She wanted to push me and in turn push everyone else which kind of inspired me. All of a sudden, I'm a leader too. Who knew I'd get to that point? Certainly not me! We climbed all the way up to the top of that cliff and it was just the two of us for a few minutes. She told me how proud she was of me. My response was "It's all you"... because she was absolutely the reason I pushed as hard as I did. To that she said "No. I'm not doing the work. You could stop at any point but you didn't. It's all YOU."

As I looked down at the trail I'd just come up and then around at the vastness of my surroundings, I felt like I was on top of the world. Like I'd just conquered everything. And I knew why she wanted me to get up there. I've never felt stronger. In this picture I took from the top, you can see a little bit of how far we came. If you look in the center of the valley, there's a little stream. That was the halfway point of our hike. Then, to the left of that, you can see the deadly hill we hiked up that I thought was going to kill me. There's a little white tepee that we rested at before she asked about my energy level. As high up as we were when I took this picture was all my extra climb. A view I never would've seen if she hadn't motivated me to get up there. It's breathtaking.

So... with one week left to go on this incredible journey, I can now say that I am at my strongest. It's because of people like Dorothy here that helped me find myself. Helped me fully realize and comprehend exactly what I'm capable of achieving and they make sure that I do. There is no failure when you have that kind of support.

I don't know if I'll get to be with her on my last few hikes that are assigned to me but I did ask her to take me on a private hike up to Sandstone Peak... the highest point in the Santa Monica mountains. This will be my true test of how hard I can push myself and how high I can climb. I've learned so far that I have no limits as long as I trust myself and believe that I can do it. I'm nervous to take on that kind of challenge but I'm ready... so ready!

With Dorothy there to get me through and motivate me to the top... I'm going to move yet another mountain this week. I can't wait!

Don't Flash the Trainers, Kelly Jo...

Don't worry everyone... the title is misleading. I didn't intentionally do anything unsavory out here in California. I'm still the sweet little midwestern girl! So for all of my friends and readers who may be offended by the idea of what this blog topic will entail... it's not what it seems... but maybe you should skip this particular entry. Because only those of you with as goofy a sense of humor as I will find this story amusing. So ponder that... and if you do not have an inappropriate sense of humor like me, please exit to the right because this rollercoaster is taking off.

Now... story time. As you all know, the purpose of being out here is to fulfill a lifelong goal of health. I wanted to learn what meals to eat, how to prepare them, how to exercise, how to love exercise, and yes... I absolutely wanted to lose weight. My hope when I began was that I'd see a big change by the end of the month and shock everyone with how different I'd look. Over my past two weeks here that goal has changed. It's no longer about how much my looks can change in a month, it's about completely changing my way of life. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't notice and appreciate the shrinking of several parts of my body.

Though this has been an incredible time and I definitely love the changes my body is going through... there is one area that I have been displeased by seeing diminish (Here's the part where you bail if you aren't comfortable with my humor... let it be known that I DID indeed warn you... twice). That area... I'm sad to say... is my chest. Now, I'm all about honesty here so let me continue by saying that I've always been very pleased with my general shape and curves. God has blessed me with a figure I actually do appreciate and yes, my chest has a lot to do with that. There's just something about being curvaceous that has always helped me enjoy my body, even if I wasn't content with the size of everything else. So I put a lot of stock into those areas.

The most unfortunate part of all of this is the way in which I discovered that my favorite curves had become less... curvy. When I came out here I brought one swimsuit with me. Partially because I was trying to save space in my suitcase and partially because it's the only one I had and they don't sell swimsuits in Kansas in the winter. We don't have much call for them, smack in the middle of the continent with not many options for swimming nearby. Plus I simply do not swim in public. It's just not something I've ever been comfortable with. So one swimsuit has always done just fine. Thanks to the exercise... not so much anymore. Here's how it all went down...

I went to pool for class, as usual, wearing my simple, black bathing suit. It had been about three days since I was last in my suit and as soon as I put it on, I noticed that something felt a little strange. Things were much more roomy around the middle but I couldn't figure out why. So I got into the water as I always do and waited for instruction. One of my favorite trainers, Joel, was leading pool class that day so I knew we'd be in for a pretty active workout... and he did not let me down.

Our first exercise was a side hop from one side of the pool to the other. This is usually something I enjoy so I went for it, full speed ahead, not giving my clearly loose swimsuit any thought. This, my friends... was a mistake. Water filled the top of my suit in a way that it is definitely not supposed to and as I went splashing to the side... suddenly it was colder. Something felt different than usual but I wasn't quite sure what it was. As I came down from the jump and into the water, I realized exactly what had gone wrong. Why I felt strange during that exercise. The entire top half of my swimsuit had been "readjusted" to the side because something had not been there to keep it in place. In a matter of seconds I clasped my arms tightly around my shoulders in the biggest self-bear-hug you could imagine and went crashing down under the water where, thankfully, I could position everything back in its proper place.

Now... whether or not anyone saw anything is not my issue. We're all friends here... things happen.... no judgment! My issue is that I'm losing weight in these various areas and things keep happening to show me how loose my clothes are getting.... uggggh.... such a burden ;-) Just kidding... I'm ECSTATIC! Don't get me wrong, I am indeed partially bummed that I've lost some weight in that particular area, but this also means that my stomach and waist had to have shrunk! My back muscles had to tighten. My overall core area becoming stronger is the cause and that's wonderful! Since that first day I've bought a new swim top to avoid any other instances like that and in the next few weeks I'll be well on my way to buying new jeans because all of my pants are beginning to slip. It's an incredible feeling! In just two and a half weeks I have seen these amazing changes and I'm so excited about the progress. I can't wait to see what it'll be at the end of my stay.

The moral of the story is this... though I am not an exhibitionist nor do I take joy in possibly exposing myself to people on accident... I'll take that risk anytime if it means that I'm succeeding. Though they may have to put a sign up at the pool reminding me to continue to pay attention to the fit of my top, I know for a fact that the Biggest Loser Resort staff is just as excited as I am about this particular problem.

So... don't flash the trainers, Kelly Jo. Just keep altering those clothes to fit your new body :-) You've worked hard for it!

The Medicine Man and the Meals

Whew... it has been a crazy ride so far out here! I've done things just in a week and a half that I never would have thought I was capable of but that's the point. You find out who you are and what you're made of out here. When you're pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and forcing change every single day, you'll be shocked at what you come across.

For example, some words that have been used to describe me over the past few days were: adventurous, overachiever, fighter, hardcore, inspirational, determined, and fearless. I have rarely heard these words in regards to me for this kind of circumstance. Usually if people use those to describe me it's for one specific action or achievement. Here... people use these regularly and it blows my mind every time. I have unlocked an entirely new dimension to the person I am and it's amazing what I'm finding that I never knew I had in me.

I have a million stories to tell just in my first 10 days of time here so it's kind of hard to focus on just one thing to talk about but here are a few new experiences that I've had. First... lets talk about Dr. Ray. Oh dear goodness... Dr. Ray. This man has magical healing hands. I don't know what kind of witchcraft he practices but it is WORKING! On Day 1, I pushed way too hard on the first hike and my hips completely rebelled against the rest of my body. I could barely walk for the next two days because they were so out of whack it was incredibly painful. I forced myself to push through the workouts but after each session I was just about doubled over in pain. I tried everything I could think of to make it better... time in the hot tub, extra stretch classes, a massage, and even icing them. Nothing was loosening these things up. So I made an appointment with the chiropractor on staff here. I've heard so many incredible stories about things he's helped people with that I thought I'd give it a try but, being me, I was still a little cynical. And when I met him for the first time, he knew it.

He wasted no time in getting started (each session is only 20 minutes long) and worked through basically every muscle group in my body. The first great thing about him is that he's very personable and knows how to make you instantly comfortable. I mean... anytime someone is shoving your leg up by your nose to stretch it out makes for a pretty solid icebreaker. Try it sometime. It works. Anyway, he pushed my right leg up as far as the tightness of the muscle would allow which, I'm sad to say, was no higher than my hip. He said "See where this is at right now? In a few minutes it's going to be by your head". I laughed at him and thought 'yeah right dude, I haven't been able to do that since I was 17 years old so good luck' but let him give it a shot anyway. He did his chiropractor thing, twisted me into a pretzel, popped some things into place, and pushed the same leg up again. You know how far it went this time? All the way to my head!!! What?! I was blown away. After a few more pops and adjustments, he had me walk around. I felt like a completely new person. The hips were still a little tight but nowhere near what they were before and the rest of me was definitely feeling the instantaneous effects. It was incredible! Needless to say, I'm going to see him each week that I'm here because it helps with my energy and overall ability so much.

Something else I've been doing while I'm here is trying every meal they put in front of me. I'm usually a somewhat picky eater and if something has one ingredient that I don't like, I have a hard time bringing myself to try it. But I wanted to be as open-minded as possible while I'm here so every plate of food that has been on the menu and given to me, I have tried. For the most part, I have liked every single thing that I've tasted! The nutritionists and chef here do a fantastic job of giving lots of different options and making the food taste delicious while still being healthy and under a certain calorie limit everyday. We get several options for breakfast and mine usually involves some kind of scrambled egg. Now... I love eggs... could eat them all day if I had to... so good... but usually I pair them with some kind of salty side like bacon or sausage. We don't really get that salty option here. So I found a new best friend and it's name is: Sriracha. Oh my goodness it livens up my eggs and wakes me up all at the same time! I have it most mornings and it is delicious. Another great thing are the desserts that we get every night after dinner. Usually it's some kind of fruit paired with a sweet sauce and sometimes... that sauce is chocolate. We had chocolate covered strawberries the second night that I was here and earlier this week we had chocolate covered bananas. It was to die for. SO GOOD!

Though most things are delicious and wonderful... I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have a few complaints. On Sunday, we're given a sack lunch since most guests leave that day and the stay-over guests go out to see the sights of LA or just be somewhere that's off the property. So this past Sunday our sack lunch included an apple, string cheese, cucumbers and carrots, pita bread... and hummus. Now, let me just say that I've never had hummus before. Never really wanted to. But I was keeping an open mind and decided to roll with it. When I opened it up and smelled it, I knew I was in for an experience... so I decided to document it. Here's how my first hummus tasting went:

Giving it a try...

I'm a little nervous...

Tastes a bit grimy and weird...

Yeah... I don't like this...

Maybe a second bite will be better?

Yeah, not so much...

Gotta wash that down with water...

LOTS OF WATER....

So... that one didn't work out so well for me. But since the hummus disaster of 2012, I've successfully enjoyed every other meal that I've received here. That's saying something! From one picky eater to the millions of others out there, you CAN eat healthy and have it taste delicious. Trust me, it's possible.

I'm out of time for today but as I said, I have so many stories to share so I'll do my best to keep them coming and update as often as I can! I'm only a week and a half in so there are plenty more experiences on the way to talk about as well. Thanks for the continued support whether it be words of encouragement, prayers, or just following my blog and videos. I'm so in awe of all the help everyone is willing to give to keep me strong throughout this journey. I'm forever grateful!

Moving the Mountain...

Oh goodness… I’m EXHAUSTED… but in all the best ways! I’m on Day 3 of 28 here at the Biggest Loser Resort in Malibu, California and let me just say that it is absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever done. For those that always ask what my secret to weight loss is, the answer is this: HARD WORK! There is no magical pill you can take that will make it come off with no effort. You get out what you put in and if what you’re putting in is nothing? That’s exactly what you get. You have to be willing to do the work to get the results. It’s not easy. It’s not supposed to be! It hurts, it’s a struggle, it sucks, it makes me feel like crying… and it’s completely worth it.

So let me back up and tell you a bit about the first day. The first hike of my time here was INSANE. I started out feeling really confident… a little too confident. I had lots of energy, was pumped, and ready to rock it out. For the first little bit, that’s exactly what I did. I was at the head of the pack, putting everything I had into it. We didn’t have much incline so I was feeling fairly certain that I’d keep a pretty great pace. Then we rounded a corner and BAM… the steepest hill I’ve seen in recent memory. This didn’t shake my determination though. I pushed myself as hard as I could and kept up with the hiking guide. Step for step and breath for breath, I was right there with her. We hit the top and I felt like I just conquered the world! The view was incredible! I had a minute to stop and take it in and take pride in being the first to the top.

We headed back down and I was still feeling pretty pumped, knowing that the hardest part was over. Then our guide stopped, waited for the rest of the group to catch up, looked at me and asked “You feeling good?”… I smiled and said “Yeah, I’m great!” completely ready to head off back to the Resort. She just smirked and said “Okay, lets go back up”…. and my face looked like this (:-O)

My cockiness came back to bite me. I’d used up all my steam trying to prove that I was the best and could endure the most. So I got a little ego check and after 4.5 more miles with other inclines, I found myself at the back of the pack. Blisters started creeping up on me. There was intense pain in my hip. My body was not having it. At several moments I actually considered stopping and taking breaks… but that’s not why I’m here. I’m not here to take it easy, I’m here to work and work harder than I ever have. So I reminded myself that it’s not about being first and it’s not about being the strongest. It’s about never stopping.

For the last quarter mile of the hike we were all pretty much wiped out. Everyone had been giving their all and we were just ready for the 2 hours to be done so we could sit down. Our other guide had us stop and do tricep dips before we got back and once those were done she said, “Now run. If you want to run… if you can take more... run”. My initial reaction involved a slew of curse words being said in my head which I shall not repeat… I’m a lady. But after a second, without thinking, I took off. As I was running I kept thinking ‘Stop. Ouch. This hurts. Why are you doing this? Ouch. Stop’… but I kept pushing. And because I did that, I ended towards the front of the group. Now, I was certainly not the best or the strongest. We had a girl in our group who is in the Air Force and barely even broke a sweat during the whole thing. But I held my own and proved to myself just what I’m capable of. If I can get through THAT being completely out of shape and in painful shoes on my first day… I’m fairly certain I can do anything. That’s not to say this will be easy. None of this will be easy. I will want to collapse so many times while I’m here, I can already tell. But I’m not going to. When your brain and body say that you can’t take anymore that’s when you have to push the hardest. That's when change happens. That's when you find yourself.

I feel like a warrior already.

More to come later!

Reaching the Mountain Top

Well, my friends... this is it. When I began this blog it was all leading up to this moment. Tomorrow morning, I leave for my one month stay at the Biggest Loser Resort in Malibu, California. It's been a LONG time coming. A year to be exact. I can't believe that after waiting that time and holding on during this roller-coaster ride of a journey, I'm finally on my way to the best part. When else in my life will I get an opportunity like this? When else will I have an entire 30 days to myself to get professional and personal attention in one of the most beautiful places in the world? Never! I feel so blessed and so EXCITED to get out there. It's time. I can't wait.

This update won't be very long since I'll have several more in the coming weeks. I just wanted to take the moments to say thank you and share a bit about what I hope to achieve in the next month. Firstly, I must say the biggest thank you to every single person who took the time to vote for me during the Year of You contest. Whether you voted each day or just once, whether you voted on your own or you went out and recruited others, whether you were doing it for me or you just felt like being kind, whether you know me personally or know my family and friends... no matter what the case may be, I THANK YOU!!! From the bottom of my heart, I couldn't have gotten into the finals without each of you and I will never forget it. You are as much a part of saving me as anyone and it's something that I take very seriously. I owe you all my life.

Secondly, I have to take a moment a share a story/goal. A few weeks ago, a very sweet friend surprised me with a gift. She has recently been successful in a huge weight loss journey and has been a constant encouragement since we met. When I opened the gift, I found an adorable t-shirt that I immediately wanted to wear... but it was too small. It was a size medium. At first I was confused but then my friend explained. When she began her journey, someone gave this shirt to her. They told her that as she progressed along the way she could keep track of how she was doing and feeling by using the shirt. When she fit into the medium, she'd have that reminder of all the great things she'd accomplished because it'd been with her the whole time. Now that she'd reached her goal and gone even beyond, she wanted to pass the shirt on to someone who needed it. And she chose me :-) I tried on the medium for the first time today... here's how that went:

It was tight and didn't go all the way over every curve... but I got it on and didn't hate it! Go figure!


So when I come back from the Biggest Loser, checking how I fit into this shirt will be one of my first orders of business. I'm incredibly curious to see how it fits! Then, as soon as I do reach my ultimate goal of 130 lbs lost, I'll make sure and follow my friend's good deed and pass it on to someone who can use it. What a great way to pay it forward. I'm so thankful she let me use it for the motivation. I will be a medium! That's crazy!

Finally, I want to keep you all included on how this month will go as far as updates. I know it's going to be frustrating... I hated it when the other winners did this to me, haha... but it'll be worth it in the end! For the entire month, I'm not going to share or upload any pictures of myself. I'm not going to let you all know of the numbers I'm losing. I want 30 days of just focus and sharing the experience. I'll post pictures of what I'm getting to do, details of the incredible adventures, and any other fun things I can come up with to keep you entertained. But I want the final outcome to be a surprise!

Who knows what this month will bring? I sure don't. What I do know is this... I'm going to push harder than I've ever pushed before. I'm going to commit to putting everything I have into every day. I'm going to fight like hell to end each workout thinking that I can't take anymore then get up and go again. I'm going to put all of my focus on success. Failure is not an option. I will do this and be ten times as strong on the other side. I will be incredible. Because it's who I deserve to be.

When you want to succeed as badly as you want to breathe... that's when success will happen. I want it. I'm going to get it. My new life begins now.

Who Stole My Map???

Well... I think it's pretty apparent what's been going on in my life since I last updated. It's been almost two months since I've written anything. There were several times that I've sat down and made attempts but all of the words that came out felt fake. I know that I've always preached honesty. "Be real about it when you falter, don't hide that it's a struggle, this journey is a tough one, it's okay to have a few setbacks as long as you keep getting back up, etc, etc." What I wasn't completely honest about was when I sunk so low that I had no willpower to get back up. So instead of facing it, holding myself accountable, and asking for help like I'd done earlier on... I just hid. I ignored this blog, my page, my support groups, and friends who'd been pushing me onward and I turned my back on what was best for me. Why? Because I allowed myself to lose sight of what I need. What I deserve.

Back towards the beginning of this Year of You process, I wrote about the primary reason I struggled with weight which is the emotional aspect. I've always had a hard time believing that I deserve good things. It didn't click in my head until someone came right out and said it but it's absolutely true. Somewhere along the line of my life, I decided that I wasn't worthy. That maybe God gave me this body because it was my cross to bear. People do treat you differently when you're overweight. I wish that weren't the case but it just is. So I decided that I deserved exactly what I got. But that couldn't be farther from the truth!

I'll never know why God gave me the specific struggles that He did. I suspect that it was to form my personality into what it has become. Because one thing that I've come to appreciate about my weight issues is that I can acknowledge what I've got to offer as a person. There are so many things that I love about myself that I don't know if I'd have the opportunity to if I'd looked different. I love that I have a sense of humor, that I'm not afraid to try things, that I don't walk into a room with arrogance, that I know who my real friends are, that I'm resilient, that I'm a fighter, and most importantly... that I'm strong. You can't fight your way out of being overweight and NOT be strong.

Whenever I go through phases, like the two month slump I just dragged myself through, it's rarely because I couldn't do it. It's because I lose focus. I let myself get caught up in wanting what makes me feel good in that moment and forget what's best for me in the grand scheme of my life. My focus has been on other things that I look back on and wonder why I let myself get distracted. How could I have been so silly as to give up the greatest opportunity of my life for something that felt right for a minute? Because now I'm kicking myself, thinking of where I'd be if I'd just kept my mind on track. Two months is a split second in the story of my life. It's something that I gave up on and I can't believe that I didn't find a way out of it.

HOWEVER, it's never too late. I don't regret that time that I fell. Regrets are mistakes that you don't learn from. What I learned from my faltered steps is that things don't always go as planned. Life will beat me down time and time again but if I shut down and give up... what's my purpose here? The only way to do good in the world and live your life to its fullest is to continue to get back up. Look your fears and failures in the face, say "nice try", and keep moving forward. Have the courage and the commitment to want what's best for yourself and go out and FIGHT for it. Fight like hell!

I leave for the Biggest Loser Resort in approximately 16 days. This experience has been almost a year in the making and it's finally here! I'm not going to lie... I'm terrified... but I cannot wait to see who I become through this incredible opportunity. I can't wait to see all that I can achieve. I know that I can do this. I will do this and show everyone who stood in my way that I'm so much stronger than they ever realized. Never underestimate what I'm capable of. That's what I've learned. That's what matters.

I've found my worth again. I deserve this. I'm going to get it.

A Few Steps Forward...

Maybe this is only in the female mind but have you ever noticed that the way you see your reflection changes from day to day? Everything is the same as the day before, your body, your face, your skin, your clothes, your mirror itself. The only difference is your eyes. What you're seeing can be distorted based on how you're feeling or what you think you're supposed to look like.

For many women, this plays a huge part in eating disorders. Our eyes see something different than what's actually there so it causes us to go to extremes to change it. Then, even when we've put our bodies through abuse to get our image to match our minds, we're still unsatisfied. Most people assume that this only happens to very thin girls who've lost a grip on reality. I know I did. What I didn't realize, until recently, is that I struggle with this issue.

My mirror is not my friend. There are days that I look at myself and think 'Hey... it's a great day'. The hair is doing good things, my eyes are looking more defined, my smile is brighter, my waist looks smaller, my jeans fit better, etc. But then something happens and a switch gets flipped. All of the sudden, I see nothing but flaws. My hair is waving where I don't want it to, my eyes look tired, my smile isn't white enough, my jeans are way too tight, and my entire body just looks... huge. Disproportionate. Disgraceful.

So what happens between Point A- looking great and Point B- feeling awful? I'm still the same person between those two areas. I don't physically change in the time that I'm away from the mirror. So why do I see two completely different people whenever I decide to look?

It's because my emotion has changed. My mental clarity has morphed. Dealing with the stresses and issues of everyday life alters my perception in ways that I have a difficult time controlling. When I'm happy and well-rested I see the beautiful woman that I know is there. When I'm tired and emotional, that beautiful woman is replaced by a facade that I put in front of me instead. Then I get to begin tearing her down, piece by piece, until all that's left is a broken girl who relives every bad decision that's ever led her to this weight.

Lately, unfortunately, I've been seeing a whole lot more of the distorted image than the real one. Maybe it's because I'm still reeling from the changes I've made. I haven't really had a second to slow down and process what my new life is like. Maybe it's because I'm lonely. All of the fantastic new friends in the world can't keep me from missing the ones I left behind. All of the male attention can't make up for the one I lost. Maybe it's because I'm doing what I swore that I wouldn't and am not putting myself first.

In all honesty, I think it comes down to the latter. When I was chosen for the Biggest Loser Resort back in January, I made a pact with myself that this year was going to be all about me. It was titled Year of You for a reason, wasn't it? Because it's my time to focus on what I need to do to be better in all aspects. So I vowed that no matter what happened, I'd finally take the time to stop worrying about everyone else and take care of myself for a change. For six months it was working just fine! I lost those 55 pounds and felt better than ever. Then I just lost sight of it. I fell... hard... and now it's a huge struggle to get back up.

What I need is to force myself back to the forefront of my thoughts. Forget about everything else that's holding me down. Let go of the baggage that's causing me to be distracted. Drop it all and just rise up. This is MY year. No one else can tell me any differently. No one has the power to alter my reality but me. My reality is this: I am a beautiful woman at any weight. In any reflection. I want to be a healthy one to match. In order to get that back I have to be willing to force myself out into the unknown and just trust that whatever I need is waiting to catch me. Step out onto the water and know that my strength is there to guide me.

I did it once... I'll do it again.

Mile Marker 7

Pressure. It can make you or break you. At the beginning of this journey (exactly 7 months ago) I was using the pressure as a constant motivator. I knew people had high expectations of me, the Biggest Loser had higher expectations, and most importantly I had the highest expectations of myself. Just having come off the contest, knowing how many people were rallying for me to do well at this journey made it unbelievably easy for me to change my habits completely. If you look back at my earliest blog posts, you can see the determination in my writing. I quit eating sugar altogether, focused on my water intake, put more fruits and veggies into my daily diet, and spent lots of time preparing my weekly meals. I woke up at 5am before work every day to get my exercise in early. I made sure and had dinner before 6pm every night and did an evening exercise to keep my metabolism going throughout the night. With dedication like that, it’s no wonder I lost 55 pounds! I was riding high and feeling fantastic.

I miss that.

At some point along the way, the pressure changed. I started to feel guilty for not updating my blog or facebook page enough. My eating began to change as I added sugar back into my lifestyle. Exercise became a chore so I slowed it down. Life got in the way and I decided that I was tired. Tired of constantly pushing myself. Though it had been the best time of my life in feeling healthy, the numbers began to come off more slowly than they had at the beginning. I knew that would happen and mentally prepared myself for it! But when it came down to it, I was still so frustrated that I just wanted to give up. Eating whatever I want may not make me feel better but it’s easier. I wanted easy.

The thing about that though… I’m not a quitter. Not now when I’ve come so far.

A year from now when I look back at the months of July and August and see how lazy I let myself get, I’m going to remember it as the only dark time in my weight loss journey. If I allow myself to crumble under this pressure, then I haven’t really changed myself. The woman that began this journey is still here. She just got tired.

I try to think of this process as a long walk. It starts out fast and forceful, leaving everyone behind in the dust. Old ways are forgotten because you’re excited to get where you’re going. As you go on you begin to slow down. Hills pop up and the climb makes you tired. You reach the peak of a hill and are thrilled by how far you’ve come but you’re exhausted. You just want to take a moment of rest. Once you sit, it’s hard to get back up. But you sit and know that if you don’t get back up, you’ll never get where you’re going. You’ll stay stuck in that holding place until you force yourself to stand.

Well… I’m standing. From this moment until I reach my goal, I will not let anything overtake me. The rest was nice and sure, maybe even necessary but my time is up. I NEED to be near my goal weight by January. I have a life to live and it can’t really start until I make this happen! So here’s the new goal. Between now, September 3^rd and when I leave for the Biggest Loser on December 2^nd, I WILL lose 30 more pounds. That averages to about 10 pounds a month. Prior to my break, I was losing about 8 a month. It’s completely doable if I’m diligent. If I fight. I often complain about lack of time and energy. Well, it’s time to suck it up and stop making excuses for myself. If I don’t ever make time, I will never have the time.

One of the things that stressed me the most about my “rest” was that I was terrified of gaining weight back. After all my hard work, I knew that I may have just blown it and taken steps backwards. Thank the Lord, He knew I needed help. By some miracle, when I weighed myself for the first time in a month, I hadn’t gained! I hadn’t lost either but the important thing is that I didn’t move backward. I was just stalled. So I’m happy to report these stats for you all:

August 2^nd: 255 lbs

September 2^nd: 255 lbs

NO GAIN!!! That’s something to celebrate! For a girl who started at over 300, that’s pretty incredible actually.

So with this new goal in mind, instead of setting a certain number to hit for the month I’m just going to take each monthly loss away from my total of 30 pounds between now and December.

Goal:

September 2^nd: 255 lbs

December 2^nd: 225 lbs

Lets do this thing.

Full Speed Ahead

Do I want this or not? I've been thinking about that question over the past few days. My eating has been awful this past month. My working out has completely halted. I'm letting my old habits come back with a full force. Why??? If I continue down this path, the 55 pounds I spent over 5 months working so hard to lose will all come back. Then what will I have to say for myself and what I'm trying to do? All efforts will be lost.

So I've been tossing that question around in my head over the past few days. Am I willing to let stress and changes of life throw me off? NO! I have to remember the reasons why I want this so badly.

1) I don't want to just look better, I want to feel better
2) I want to accomplish something greater than anything I've ever done
3) I want to prove that I can overcome anything I set out to
4) I want to honor the life God has planned for me
5) I want to honor the body God gave me
6) I don't want to let down all of the people rooting for me
7) I don't want my family to think that they are the reason that I struggle with this
8) I want to take the opportunities given to me and live life to its fullest
9) I want to dance again
10) I need to save my own life

There are a million other reasons but over the past few days, those are the ones that are sticking out most in my mind. I keep going over them again and again, working my way up to this moment. The moment where I say that enough is enough. The time for walking lazily alongside the wagon is done and I'm ready to jump back up in full force again.

I don't care how hard I have to work and how long it takes me... this is my year. This is my time. I'm done wasting it! September is coming and I'm ready to own it.

Lost in the Wilderness

Wondering where I've been? Yeah... me too. Life has officially gotten in my way and thrown me way, way, WAY off track. I wish I had better news to report like... I don't know... I've lost 20 more pounds but the truth is, I'm stuck.

A few weeks ago I moved, started a strenuous series of rehearsals for the new theatre I'm working at, and went in search of a day job to pay the pills. Praise to God, I found a job and began training this past Monday! But my new daily schedule is jam packed from 6am all the way to midnight or later, with few opportunities for eating so by the time I can, I'm starving! Then I eat the first thing that's put in front of me which is usually unhealthy.

I know the rules... plan ahead. Pack lunches. Prioritize your meals. I know all of these rules to staying on track in a hectic schedule! But between the hours of midnight and 6am, when I have the opportunity to take time for myself, I'm faced with the difficult choice of which is more beneficial to me: a greater amount of sleep, or healthier food for tomorrow. Lately, I'm sad to say that sleep has been winning.

It's a tricky combination... finding the right balance of doing what you need to do to support yourself financially and what you need to support yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. It's a balance I haven't fully gotten the right combination to yet but I'm working on it.

The good news is that eating right and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is constantly at the back of my mind. With each unhealthy choice I make, I'm reminding myself that I need to retrain my appetite and soon. That means that I haven't completely lost my motivation and hope that I can pull forward in this. It's still there, I just need to figure it out!

When I find the right direction, I'll let you all know. In the meantime... send some prayers and good thoughts my way. This is still my year! I just need to get my mojo going again

Mile Marker 6

This month is different. This month everything changed. Instead of telling you where I succeeded and where I faltered, I just have one story to tell.

After thinking for years about moving back to Texas, the idea became a reality. Things fell into place for me. I wasn't seeking the opportunity or looking for ways to force it to happen. God just kept dropping things in my lap. A chance to develop something I'm so passionate about appeared and will be in the works to bring to Dallas. A random opportunity to join a theatre company just materialized in front of me and I was offered the job within days of discovering it. So within two weeks I had packed up and made the move from Kansas City to Dallas.

If you've read any of the previous blogs, you know that change is my kryptonite. I don't handle it well. Anything that leaves me feeling uncertain causes me to stress which then causes me to hide in my comfort zone. I didn't stop fighting but I wasn't fighting as hard as I could have. I didn't fight as hard as I should have. As has been my problem for the past few months, I was struggling to find a constant motivator. Without that pushing me onward, I've been wandering around half-asleep. So God gave me a huge wake-up call.

A few days ago I was driving to my rehearsal at the theatre I now work for. If you're from or have been to Dallas recently, you know that basically every major roadway is under construction and can be very difficult to navigate. Especially at evening rush hour, which is when I have to brave the roads and get to my job. This particular day was actually one of the smoother drives I've had. Everyone in traffic seemed to be cooperating with each other and merging well which is completely out of character for Dallas drivers. I couldn't help but think 'Wow, this is a great day for traffic. It's running so smoothly'. Just before reaching my exit, I entered a portion of the interstate that had been forced down to 2 lanes and had concrete barriers on both sides. As soon as I got past the point of no return, those barriers became a death trap.

I saw the car just ahead and on my left hit the side of the concrete with their front corner. Because of the angle they connected at and the speed they were moving, the car just became a spinning top. It ricocheted over to the other side of concrete, which put them directly in front me, and then spun the car twice before coming to a stop in the dead center of the two lanes. Because it happened so fast and the rest of us were still driving at highway speeds, there was no way for any of us to brake in time. This car was a sitting duck and the person in place to hit it was me.

I like to think of myself as a driver who's good under pressure and has the skills to handle a situation like that but to be honest, I thought that my death was inevitable. So I didn't even turn my wheel. I had slammed down my brakes as soon as I saw the initial impact but the position in which this car landed provided no path around it. There was nothing for me to do but collide, head first into the other person. Nothing I could do to stop it.

You always hear about people facing near-death experiences and seeing their lives flash before their eyes. I always thought it was just a figure of speech and in some ways it is but now I can understand exactly what they mean. They don't mean that you see your entire life played out as a movie in the blink of an eye. They mean that your mind shows you the people that make up your life. The people who matter to you and remind you what it is to be alive. I just thought of my family and what they mean to me. That was the life I was certain I was about to leave behind. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of terror but then it was quickly replaced with a prayer. There were no words to this prayer, just an understanding between myself and God that this was up to Him. I released all control.

Now, I can't explain or understand what happened next. Though I didn't turn my wheel, my car suddenly veered to the right. Though my foot was already pressing down on the brakes, my car screeched and shuddered even further without my efforts. It turned at just the right angle and slowed to just the right point that I came to a stop alongside the front of the other car, instead of slammed together at the nose. My car rested for a second while I registered the fact that I was still alive and everything became a blur. Once I realized that I was okay, I jumped out to help the girl in the other car who'd basically totaled it. Miraculously, no one was hurt. Not even a scratch on anyone involved. We looked at our cars... they'd ended only a few inches apart, narrowly avoiding what would've surely been deadly for both of us. The police came and we helped clear the crashed vehicle out of the road and then they sent the rest of us on our way. This whole accident happened within about 4 seconds and then was solved and cleared away in about 15 minutes.

The first thing I did was call my mom. The shock of it all still hadn't quite sunken in so I told her the story as if it was my trip to the grocery store. I think I was just glad to be able to talk to her and if I let it actually get to me that I had come within inches of death, I'd freak out. I went to rehearsal, kept business as usual, came home to my aunt and uncle's house, talked with them a bit about it, and then went to bed. It wasn't until I was lying awake and re-living the whole incident that I truly realized what had happened.

I don't know how I was spared. I don't know why. There's no logical explanation for how my car moved itself out of the way when I wasn't controlling it. I should've died that day but I didn't. I'm still here, able to type this blog post about my weight loss journey. All I know is that God wasn't ready for me yet. It must not have been my time. He still has plans for me here that I've yet to fulfill. That knowledge has given me an entirely new perspective, not only on who I am but what I'm doing. I needed that wake-up call to be reminded of what it is I'm fighting for... my life.

So this month I'm not doing a true update. I'm not telling you the stats of my weight or whether or not I missed or hit my goal because that's not what's important. All that matters is that I'm here and able to continue this journey. Continue fighting for a healthy life that can honor whatever God has in store for me. This month is going to be a completely new and exciting start because I'm so thankful for every moment!

In Need of Some Steam

I don't know what's been going on lately but I just cannot seem to keep this motivation going at full power! The good news is that when I cheat, I don't throw away the rest of my day. I continue to make my decisions as they come and conquer cravings as best I can. The bad news is that my energy for exercise and ability to power through when I'm feeling the need to stress-eat is lacking. No matter what I try, I can't seem to pick up that steam to full speed again from where it was.

I need help.

When I first started this journey and was doing SO well, I would frequently look to certain things for support. One of the best was the list I kept of people who voted for me during the Biggest Loser contest. In the span of two weeks, over 300 of my personal friends took the time to vote for me to change my life. Many of them even went beyond that and got tons of their friends to vote, most of whom having no idea who I was. Then there were the random acts of kind voters who just stumbled across my story and decided to support me. It's those votes that pushed me to start this process and kept me going! Knowing people were cheering for me not only provided motivation, it provided accountability. Something I desperately need.

So here's what I'd like to step out on a limb and ask of you who have been so encouraging. Wherever you read this from (whether you know me and are on my facebook pages or twitter, or if you just stumbled upon this blog by happenstance) I'd greatly appreciate this favor. If you could take a quick second and help remind me why I'm fighting for this, I think it'd really give me a boost. It's kind of awkward to ask for this kind of help from people and its taking me another step out of my comfort zone to admit that I need that extra shove but... here we are. So whatever you feel like doing- posting a smiley face in the comments, liking a status, tweeting something, or leaving an uplifting message- please go for it!

The greatest blessing I could've ever asked for has been having such wonderful people in my life to ensure that I succeed in this goal. Thank you all so much for following my journey and being such an integral part of it. This year is not just for me but for all of you. Love you guys :-)

I Remember This Road...

Something that people may not know about me is that I'm a dancer. A few months ago I would've said that I WAS a dancer but now, I'm beginning to say it again. I AM a dancer. When I first auditioned for the Biggest Loser, they asked me what my reason was for wanting to lose weight. I listed off several important reasons why but got choked up when I got to the point where I said, "I just want to dance again".

I took my first ballet class when I was three and instantly fell in love. I can still remember the day I got my first recital costume. I was a little mouse with a pink, sequined tutu and it was my favorite outfit of all time. I think I knew even then that dance was my chosen form of expression and that it'd be a huge part of my life. As I continued to grow and take more and more classes, I became obsessed. By the time I was 13 I was spending so much time in rehearsals and competitions that it was pretty much the only thing I did. I lived, breathed, ate, and slept dance. At one point my mom even found me sleep-walking in the living room, practicing the night before a competition. So when I'd say that I could do the dance routines in my sleep, it was a completely true statement!

When I was 14, I tried out for the high school dance team. I'd grown up in our town watching them perform, knowing that I wanted to be out there with them someday. The first morning of tryouts, I went to the coach and sat down with her to talk. At that point I'd already been struggling with my weight for about six years and though I was in shape, I was bigger than the other girls. I asked her if I even stood a chance at making the squad because I wasn't sure I'd fit the uniforms. She smiled at me, so kindly, and said "If you're good enough to make this team, we'll order the right size for you. Don't worry about the uniforms, just dance."

That's exactly what I did and a few days later when the list was posted, I was shocked and thrilled to find out that I had made the team. I was one of only three incoming freshmen to make it. It's been over 10 years and I can still remember how I felt at that moment. It was one of the best of my life, knowing that the coaches believed in me and thought that I was good enough and worth the extra effort they'd have to put into working with me. It was and still is an incredible gift. I danced on the team with so much joy that first year and loved every second of it. The girls became like sisters and though we didn't always agree, we stuck together and supported each other through everything. It was the best year.

Unfortunately, for me, things changed. The second year, my coach had to move away and leave us. I was crushed. This woman who'd given me so much and helped me grow was no longer there to keep us together. We got a new coach and all of the sudden things were completely different. She wanted a top-notch, competitive team that she could take to nationals and began training us with that mindset. We switched from afternoon practices to mornings where the primary focus became about conditioning and whipping us all into shape. If we were going to be at the level she expected us to get to, there could be no slacking. Girls began dropping left and right. People cracked under the pressure. But the one who cracked the most... was me.

See, although our new coach was great at what she did, for me it was no longer fun. All of a sudden, I was hyper-aware of my weight and how it affected my dancing. I looked around at the new team and felt out of place and unwanted. The dancing became less like expression and more like work. I had to sacrifice other school commitments because I was so focused on trying to keep up. I slipped into depression and had no idea, at 15 years old, what was going on around me. I started blacking out at practices, stopped eating because I was stressed out over my weight, and couldn't concentrate at school so I began failing classes. Things were just not okay and I didn't understand why. So I did something that I wish I hadn't but at the time made the most sense. I walked away. I took a "sick leave" of sorts from the team and sat out of competition season. I thought that if I stayed, I'd bring the team down and make them look bad so I chose to sit and watch. That's when the binge and emotional eating really began.

By the time I came back to the team, I'd done a lot of damage to my body and it was very apparent that they were all at higher levels than I was. So when tryouts for my third year came around, I was cut. I was no longer a part of the team. That stung.... hard. The morning after the list went up and I learned that my time was done, I had to go to practice and teach a routine for our spring show. I remember fighting tears through the entire rehearsal, knowing that my teammates were disappointed in me. Knowing that I was disappointed in myself. One of the assistant coaches, who'd been there for both years and seen me at my best and worse, pulled me aside afterwards and told me exactly how she felt about the situation. She said that she understood what I'd been going through and she was proud of me. In spite of poor choices that I'd made, she still believed in me. I remember her begging me to not give up and let my passion fade but I was so upset that I didn't listen. My spirit felt a little broken.

After that, the weight gain became a serious problem. I continued to dance but only when it was for theatre and choir, never competitively again and never for self-expression as I had. In college, I had a similar experience happen again where I had to audition for the dancing ensemble in the musical every year. Each year I was kept until the end of the auditions, never cut, but was never put in the dancing ensemble. That too was something that just killed. It kept the pain of what I'd done to myself fresh in my mind. I felt completely lost with no way of getting back to where I'd been. At that point my weight had gotten so out of control that it was just torture watching others do what I so desperately wanted to but couldn't.

Now, fast forward to today. Over the past few years I've realized that I cannot go on living without dance in my life. It is truly one of my strongest passions so I found ways to get it back. I began to teach. Though it's not exactly as it was before, it's slowly worked its way back into my life and now is something I do regularly. I'm even blessed enough to have dancers who let me choreograph for them which is my greatest form of therapy. Though I'm making all of this progress... I'm still not quite there yet.

This journey to health is about so much more than my weight. It's about physical strength, absolutely, but it's also about emotional strength. The fact is that I need to be dancing again to be truly healthy. At the end of this process, I want to be so strong that I can begin auditioning as a dancer. I want to continue to choreograph but FINALLY be able to dance in my own pieces! That's something that's been missing for far too long and as I continue to move forward to a brighter future, that goal is another that I'm striving towards. Each day that I get stronger is another step closer to being a better version of the girl I once was and have been trying to find for so long. I feel it coming back.

I've got a dance that will be 6 months in the making. But it's the dance of my life and I can't wait to share it.

Mile Marker 5

There's no avoiding the total honesty this month guys. I screwed up. I had no idea when I relapsed a few weeks ago just how hard it was going to hit my progress. I thought that I could do whatever I wanted for a couple of days and it wouldn't affect me. I thought, and people kept telling me, that I'd earned it. What I didn't know when I went off the rails on a crazy train was that not only was I putting a few pounds back on and counteracting my success, I was also losing all of that progress I'd made in my exercise stamina. I became a big ol' blob of laziness and didn't care anymore. I lost my motivation and was standing at the edge, ready to jump. Why was that?


In keeping with my honesty, I guess it's time to admit something else that I struggle with. Something I'm sure most addicts struggle with. Anxiety. It's something I inherited and have dealt with it since I was a teenager. It's hard to describe how it affects me except that it comes out of nowhere and knocks me out with a full force. Most of the time, I can handle it and it doesn't generally affect my day to day life or personality which is a huge step up from where I used to be. In fact, I've gotten such a grip on it over time that it only really gets me maybe once or twice a year. But when something triggers that anxiety, it hits me like a tidal wave. It surges through my brain and there's no escaping the inner-destruction that inevitably follows. Then there's no telling when I'll get back to being myself again.


So around the end of May, the trigger was pulled. I don't know for sure what caused it but my best guess is all of the change, which I've mentioned before in previous blogs. All at once it seemed that every constant around me completely changed. I didn't know how to handle it and I was thrown into some kind of crazy tail spin that I couldn't control. Instead of trusting that everything would work out, I did what I do best. I ran.


Obviously, I'm not talking about physical running. If I were, we'd be having a very different conversation about my progress this month. What I mean is that I mentally checked out. Was I still able to laugh and pretend that everything was normal? Sure! Sometimes even better than normal. I'm very well-rehearsed in pretending. I even have a degree in theatre to prove it! By masking all of that anxiety, I was able to retreat into the deepest parts of my brain where I could stop caring. I didn't care what I ate, how it affected me, how it made me feel, or the consequences I'd have to face for those actions. I chose to shut myself away and hold on to whatever made me feel good. Which, of course, was food.


So then came the rollercoaster. Gain, drop, gain, drop, happy, sad, motivated, unmotivated, hopeful, doubtful, brave, terrified. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach the ejector button to get myself off the dang ride! I could feel myself falling deeper into the dive but everything I did to get myself turned around would just result in more anxiety because I didn't have control. And that, if you know me well, is what scares me most. On the few times a year that I experience this, I usually find that it's because I'm lacking something. This time it was trust. Trust in myself that I can be strong in what I'm doing and trust in God that He has got everything taken care of for me.


As I was realizing this, two things clicked into place. The first was a text from my friend Allison that read "Not once in the Bible does it say 'Figure it out'. But over and over it says 'Trust God'. He's already got it figured out". Well... little did Allison know when she sent me that, that it was exactly what I needed a reminder of. I'd been praying so much about the next steps in my life and thinking I'd allowed God to lead but in actuality I was still fighting to have some control. I'm not good at letting go. I'm not good at turning my brain off and believing that what's supposed to happen will come in its own time. I needed confirmation and I wasn't fully getting it. And that all comes back to trust.


The second thing that happened came when I was introduced to a new song. It's strange because at first I was just listening to hear the vocals. But then, something about the lyrics struck a chord with me. They said, "You are peace when my fear is crippling. You are true even in my wandering. You are joy. You're the reason that I sing. You are life. Even death has lost its sting. And oh, I'm running to Your arms. The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace. Light of the world, forever reign. You are more than my words will ever say. You are Lord, all creation will proclaim. You are here. In your presence I'm made whole. You are God, of all else I'm letting go."


Those words really pierced through the fear and brought me back. I'll be honest that my faith isn't always what I wish it would be. I always love God and know that I owe my blessings to Him but I'm one of those people that has a hard time finding the connection. My way of relating to God is when I sing or dance to worship and I've been missing that connection. I needed to find it again. As I listened to that song, I felt that bond re-form and it seemed like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I went to sleep repeating those words to myself and woke up SO refreshed! Seriously, this morning felt like my slate had been wiped clean. I was back to that moment on January 31st, on the phone with the Biggest Loser Resort, hearing that I'd been given a second chance at life! It reminded me of how truly motivated I am and dug it out from within. Now I feel ready to attack and continue chasing this dream. Chase it until I've poured everything I have into it!


At this point, you may be wondering what any of this has to do with my weight loss. Friends, it has EVERYTHING to do with it! Like I've talked about before, I needed the reminder that I deserve good things. I deserve this chance to change my life. How can I be physically healthy if I'm not healthy in all other aspects? The reason I write these blogs is to chronicle my journey and recovery from addiction. Last month was a major relapse in all senses of the word and I had to crawl my way back out. I'd slipped so far down that I truly needed some divine intervention to get up to the top again. And thankfully I've gotten there!


The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was work out because I actually wanted to! I had a healthy breakfast because I craved something nourishing. Then I prayed. And prayed. And continued praying because I needed replenishing. I know not all of my friends or readers believe in God and that's okay! I'm not trying to gush or slam anyone in the face with my spirituality. I'm simply being honest about what works for me and what's best to maintain this progress. My faith is one of the biggest factors of who I am and what keeps me going. I need to have it in place in order to be successful. Today I finally feel complete. I feel like the girl who started this thing and is absolutely determined to finish strong!


So all of that back story for the month of June leads me to the overall purpose of the blog. The update. Now don't get crazy on me y'all... but here's how it turned out.
June 2nd: 260 lbs
July 1st: 259 lbs


But before you get bummed for me, lemme break this down real quick! It may look like I only lost a pound this month, yes. You don't have to be a rocket scientist, math wiz, or rainman to see that those are the actual stats. But when I went off course, I gained all the way back to 267 pounds! YIKES BIKES! With the weight I kept putting back on and taking off, I actually lost a total of 8 pounds this month, which IS average for me on this journey. And you know what? I'm so proud of that! The fact that I went through all of that craziness and STILL managed to come out of the month with any kind of loss is a medical miracle! That's the moment when you drop to your knees, kiss the ground, and eat a big old slice of (healthy) humble pie.


However... July is going to be different. I can feel it! Just call me Stella because I've got my groove back and I'm ready to fight for this. So here's what's going to happen. This month I'm going to defy the odds. I'm going to stay dedicated, keep my head down, and focus so that I can reach this next goal. I want to see if I can get myself back on schedule so I'm shooting for.... 12 pounds!


Goal:
July 1st: 259 lbs
August 1st: 247 lbs


Can I do it? Is it possible? Will I defy all the odds and achieve this goal? Well... guess you'll have to stay tuned and find out :-)

Not Breaking This Fast

"When you lose all of your weight, you're going to be so gorgeous"... "Guys are going to fall at your feet when you lose all your weight".... "You are going to be turning down dates right and left once you've lost the weight".

I hear variations of this all the time. People can't wait to see what my love life will look like once I've attained this lifelong goal and how I'll be different. They believe that as soon as I come back from the Resort, I will suddenly be swarmed with men clamoring for my attention and begging for my hand in marriage. This is every girl's dream, they say. But... is it? Oh right, because when Prince Charming slipped the shoe onto Cinderella's foot he actually said "It's okay that you're a peasant in rags. I'm just glad you're not fat". The original storyteller must've forgotten to include that line.

I understand what people really mean when they say things like that. They just mean that I'll finally be confident and feeling beautiful within myself and that will be attractive. It'll make me shine and catch men's attention. This is so true and I already feel a million times more confident than I did back in February, which HAS in fact gotten me a little more attention than I'm used to. Is it nice to be admired? Sure! Is it nice to be complimented? Absolutely! But this is why I put my "Boy Fast" rule into place. I do not want to even consider dating while I'm focused on becoming healthy because I need to be sure that I do love myself first before I open up that door.

To be honest, I'm terrified of what will happen after I've reached my goal! I don't want guys who've known me forever to all the sudden call and ask me out. That would be weird! I've already learned how to relate to guys as just friends, I think it'd freak me out to have a man I've looked at as a brother change and begin to show interest. This is something that a few of my friends who've lost weight have pointed out to me. My brain has 24 years of obesity wired into it. I live my life as a girl who's had a thousand guy best friends and very few boyfriends, most of whom were not very kind. My primary focus when I meet new men is and will probably always be friendship because that is just what I've come to expect. And that's what's important.
I also have the fear that when I reach that goal line, I'll always have that as something to talk about with men. If I'm in a relationship that's starting to become serious, I WILL have to have an addict's talk with him and let him know 'Hey, I've struggled with food addiction and weight gain my whole life. I fought my way out of it but it's very likely that I could relapse. It will continue to be a lifelong battle. Are you okay with that?'... I don't want to have to have that talk. So even though I am being very strict and staying out of the dating or flirting scenes right now, part of me IS praying that I meet someone before. I want to be sure that the guy I'm with loves me for myself, personality and looks, just as I am now. So I'm conflicted!

Anyway... I know this is one of my more random blog topics but it's something that has been weighing on me the past few days. I guess the bottom line is, God already has this taken care of for me so I need to just let that worry go. Whoever He brings into my life, whether it be pre-weightloss or post-weightloss, will be the perfect one for me. Someone who appreciates me in all of my forms and is happy to talk to me when I'm having my crazy moments like this, ha ha.

When it all comes down to it, I'm confident in myself and what I have to offer. That's all that matters.

Who's Driving This Thing?

I was out with a big group last night and someone offered me fries. I said "No, thank you" and he kept trying to push me to eat some. Only me. Why is that? One of my friends eventually explained to him what I'm working towards and why I did not care to have any fries and the guy said "Well, if you're going to the Biggest Loser Resort, why are you even trying to lose weight now? This is an awesome opportunity to eat whatever you want!" I just laughed and told him that I'd like to not die before my month comes around.

You'd be shocked to know how often I'm told that exact thing when people find out about my Year of You. That I should take the time until December to just indulge and have fun since the BLR will help me work it off. While I understand their thought process, I can't help but think that the answer is obvious. Why would I want the resort to help me take weight BACK off that I didn't have to begin with? Why would I waste my month there by losing what I shouldn't have put on anyway? Then I'd just be right where I am now and no further down.

I think people assume that I'm guaranteed to lose all of my weight while at the resort. Like I'll magically go from whatever size I turn out as on December 2nd to 160 pounds in just a month. I wish it were that easy but no, friends... it's not humanly possible! If it were, I would absolutely be indulging in whatever I wanted without regards to my future but as it is, I want to be at my goal weight by January! So I have no choice but to start now and it actually makes me happy that I'm doing it mostly on my own. I'm so much stronger because of that and when I finish this year, I will have such a great sense of pride since I fought for it. All year long, I fought for what I wanted most.

When I first won the contest and found out that I was going to be the last person to go, of course I was a little bit bummed. I'd been so motivated to go out and take on the 7 hour exercise days that when Amanda said December, I just thought 'Aw man... I have to wait almost a year to get started'. Then there were the people who were upset for me saying how horrible it was that I had to wait, how I should call back and complain, that I should demand an earlier month, and it's not fair that I have to go last. It was actually those people, speaking out in frustration for me, that made me realize what a gift I'd been given. Going last is not a curse! Far from it! I don't have to wait to get started and it's actually been a huge blessing.

See, most of the other 10 winners got the gift of a kick start. They get to go earlier, so they have the opportunity to learn first, lose a good chunk to begin with, and then take what they learned home. Not so different from contestants on the regular show. That's a great blessing to them but then they do have to go home and finish on their own, figuring out how to make the continued progress work into their lives. Those of us that are going towards the end of the year got the gift of the final push. We all got the amazing opportunity to watch the others go enjoy their months. We get to learn from their struggles, see what it takes to survive a month out there, and even hear the great tips they're getting that can help us while we're fighting for it at home. Then once we get out there, whatever we've lost prior to going is a huge bonus! Because it's likely that we will all definitely be close to our goal weight by January. I have the motivation of knowing my month is waiting for me and it keeps me pushing forward. It keeps me going!

For me, the problem has never been starting. When I get it in my mind to start a diet or a new meal plan, I'm generally excited and think 'Yeah! This time it's going to work. This new weight loss fad is really going to help me do it this time!'... fast forward two weeks and I'm sitting on the couch, eating an entire package of Oreos and ordering pizza, already given up on it. Nothing ever stuck. My problem has always been keeping the motivation and energy up to continue. So I don't know how the resort decided what order we go in or why but I think that God had a hand in it. He shuffled the deck in my favor and knew that going last was the best thing for me because it IS my time to complete this lifelong goal. I didn't need the kick start, I needed the final push. That's what I've been given!

So please don't be offended if over the next five months, I don't indulge the way I could. I'd love to eat fries all the time with my friends but the truth is... I don't feel the need to anymore. Knowing where I'll be in January if I keep working on it now is the light at the end of this long tunnel, constantly drawing me forward. I may slow down at times, I may stumble along the way, but I will always get back up and keep moving towards that light. All you need is that reminder of why you're chasing your dream. Having that in mind has made all the difference.

Before I go, I do have a quick story from when I took a few crazy days off last week. I fell of the wagon hard! Thankfully, I got back up and the weight I gained is now gone again but I had some serious food addict relapsing issues. Here's what happened:
(I was driving home from a friend's house and REALLY craving, fighting the urge to go to the drive-thru. So I called my mom for support. No answer. I come home later with a bag of take-out)
Me: I did something bad
Mom: Why'd you do that?
Me: I called you to talk me home so I didn't go crazy but you didn't answer! So I took it as a sign that I should get food
Mom: You could've called someone else!
Me: Well, I thought about calling Tracy but I knew the odds of her giving in and telling me I could go ahead and eat it were not looking good

:-) My poor mom. Now she knows my secret and the next time the addict in me decides to go a little nuts, mom will conference call in my drill sergeant sister! But hey... ya gotta do what ya gotta do to keep me in check!

Who Stole My Compass?

I've been struggling the last few weeks and it has not been the easiest time for me to handle my emotional eating addiction. It generally shows when I'm struggling because I don't update my blog or page as frequently. So here I am... pouring out my feelings here... trying to get my motivation back. This is the hardest it's been for me in the 4 months I've been at it. I think that in dealing with all of the things that are going on in my life, it's just easier to slip back into old habits. There are a lot of changes happening and I've never been good with change.

1) I moved out of my apartment and am living with my parents for a few months to save money. I'm not sure where I'll be headed at the end of the summer but I knew that if I wanted to make a bigger move soon, I'd have to put something into my savings first. I couldn't afford that without my full-time job, since school let out. Being back with my parents is... different. Don't get me wrong, I love them both so much and it's nice to have people taking care of me. But I think that's the problem. When I'm here, I slip back into "kid" mode. It's just what naturally happens. I take less responsibility for myself and I find myself getting lazy which is the biggest motivation killer.

2) School ended. I miss my students. I miss my co-workers. I miss being on my feet for the majority of the day and not even thinking about it because I'm focused on my work. It was easy to shed pounds there because I was continually moving and I had a certain amount of time to eat, so meals were easier. When school let out, I thought 'This will be perfect because I'll have a good amount of time during the day where I can focus on exercise'. But it hasn't panned out that way so far. I'm tired much of the time and that's another motivation killer.

3) Drama. I'm letting other peoples' issues stress me out. When I began this journey, I made very specific guidelines about what and who I would allow to affect me. Negativity and stress were not invited  to the party but like they tend to do... they crashed in anyway. I have to remember that this is MY year. I can't afford to be spending time with people who are going to make me lose focus. Maybe that's selfish but if it is, it's the first time in my life that I'm doing what's best for me and actually taking care of myself. This is something that I not only want... I need. If I don't take advantage of this time and opportunity, when will I ever do it? 2012 HAS to be my year. That's just the way it is.

4) Uncertainty. My future is really up in the air right now. I'm torn between my head and my heart on what the next steps are for me. My head wants me to do what is practical and good for me in the long run but my heart wants what will make me happy now. And I'm getting great advice to back up both sides! Some people say that since it's my year I should take the full time to just be still and get everything together before making any more changes. Others say that I'm young and should use this time to take risks and follow my heart. I believe both are true... so which do I follow? This is where my emotional eating really comes into play. I'm almost constantly feeling conflicted and my need to figure it out is becoming stressful. My reaction to the stress is to eat so I can feel those few minutes of comfort. I'm losing my grip and I need to get a better hold.

With all of that swirling around in my head, I'm definitely struggling to keep moving forward. I experienced my first real gain of the journey. Not anything that I can't bounce back from but it's still shaking me. So tonight, I'm renewing my vows. To the journey and to myself. I made a list of the reasons why I want and need this and I'm trying my best to remind myself of those over and over whenever I'm feeling the urge to abandon ship. That's not an option!!!

So I keep my list, I focus on what makes me happy, and I remember that every road has its bumps. I knew when I began that it would be the hardest thing I ever do. I signed up, ready to take it on and I need to woman up and conquer this obstacle. If this is the first real time that I'm stalled, then I count myself lucky. I can do this. Being healthy is what I've always wanted most in my life. Everything else can wait.

Starting now, I've got my fighter spirit back.